What if no one offers to throw me a shower?

moen · November 2009

I was wondering, what if no friends of mine offer to throw me a shower... do I not have one then?

I was married in June and my friend threw me a bridal shower, not sure those same close friend will be up to throwing me a baby shower, since I got prego the day after our wedding. I am nervous that no one will offer.

All my family lives out of state and my husbands family has offered a small shower out of town, but only for one side of the family.

How should Ihandle this is the other side of his family is not invited or no one offers to throw a friends shower?

Can I host something myself or mention it to a friend? I do nto want to seem greedy or rude. But its my first baby and I am concerned.

mrsmegs06 · November 2009

If you are going to have a shower from your DH's family I'd think waiting for your friends to say something is best. I know you said it may be small shower for the one side of the family, but that's okay. I wouldn't worry too much.

EastCoastBride · November 2009

"Concerned"? You may it sound like if you don't have a shower, something will be wrong w/ the baby, or your pregnancy.

Look- I get the desire for a shower. I do. But they are not a "right". If no one offers, then no, you don't have one. However, at the same time, people WILL still give you gifts. TRUST ME on this. My shower was very small, but even so, a lot of people not invited still got me gifts when DS was born.

If friends or your famil yask about a shower, all you say is "I don't know if one is being planned. I haven't heard anything.".

From that, if they choose to plan one, then they will. But you don't ask.

jiffy-pop · November 2009

I worry about this too. I know I'll get a shower from my side of the family and church friends but I can't invite DH's whole family b/c that would be way too many people in our church's fellowship hall. For the wedding, I had to get someone else who was in our community (who wanted to throw us a shower from the community) to mention going in with her on throwing me a shower to DH's side b/c no one was stepping up. I know it might sound quirky to do that but if I couldn't invite them to the church's shower and his aunts might have felt bad that they didn't get invited to a shower, I had to do something short of begging.

scubaspot · November 2009

I don't get what the big concern or worry is about not having a shower. I understand that they are fun and a sort of "right of passage" but they are also a gift and not a required one.

What are you concerned about? Not having other people purchase things you want for YOUR child?

If no one gives you a shower you can throw a meet the baby party after the baby arrives.

You need to remember that a shower is a large undertaking and a gift. No one is obligated to give you one. Would it be disappointing not to have the celebration side? Yes, but I wouldn't be concerned about not getting any gifts and that is how you sound right now.

krissyh21 · November 2009

Kind of sad when you have to beg for a shower isn't it... Seriously, step back and look at it for a second. Me personally, I would rather go without one!

kimfoley88 · November 2009

Having a baby shower is always nice, especially for a first baby.. But people are going to buy you stuff anyways, baby shower or not.. So if no one does throw you one, just plan a little meet and greet for when your LO gets here.

barnwife · November 2009

You don't have a right to a shower. You shouldn't throw your own - that's tacky. The purpose of a shower is to "shower the mother/father" with gifts. Throwing your own is essentially saying "I'm greedy! Buy me stuff!"

Honestly, you need to wait for people to offer. And if they don't, that's okay! All it means is you don't get a shower.

CKLee1107 · November 2009

Sounds like you've got one shower in the works already for the IL side. So it doesn't sound to me like you aren't having one at all anyways.

You are correct about if no one offers that you 'just don't have one'. Its pretty much how it goes. If people ask about the shower situation, answer honestly. I haven't heard about anything in the works except a small family one on DH's side.

I am not having a friends shower at all, it wasn't offered and just didn't seem like a big deal to me either.

(And completely off topic, your ticker confused me originally and I had to reread your post to check that you were pg at all and worried about a shower...)

hopefulmom · November 2009

You know, there ARE women who never had a shower at all. At least you are getting one!

blancanyc69 · November 2009

I'm sorry but I just don't think there is anything wrong with having your own shower. Just thinking about someone else paying money for a venue, food, drinks and things like that in this economy I just don't think it's right. DH and I are doing our own shower today matter of fact, I found out Thursday during the nor'easter we have that alot of my family is coming down but they don't know my co-workers down here and the truth is they really couldn't afford it. It's up to you if you think you have the type of friends that would say something about you hosting your own shower don't do it, if your friends aren't like that then do it.

It's your first baby and you want to celebrate it with people.

mrs_sisco · November 2009

Okay people, stop flaming the poor girl. She was only asking a question, not looking for everyone's complaining.....I can totally understand where she is coming from. She is not upset b/c she doesn't get to be "celebrated" or whatever, she is worried that she will not be able to financially afford all the items that her LO will NEED. So please stop with the holier than thou attitudes...

barnwife · November 2009

mrs_sisco:
Okay people, stop flaming the poor girl. She was only asking a question, not looking for everyone's complaining.....I can totally understand where she is coming from. She is not upset b/c she doesn't get to be "celebrated" or whatever, she is worried that she will not be able to financially afford all the items that her LO will NEED. So please stop with the holier than thou attitudes...

I don't remember the op saying anything about this. She was concerned about not having a shower.

And, if this is the case, that still doesn't mean she has a right to a shower. I would have a hard time believing it's her family or friends fault if she is financially unprepared for a baby.

They do NOT have to throw a shower, whether or not she is financially prepared. A shower is a gift.

I did not try to flame her. I gave my opinion. I'll repeat it: Asking for gifts is tacky. That is what you are doing when hosting your own shower (since the purpose of a shower is to "shower" someone with gifts). Therefore, I wouldn't do it, nor would I attend such a shower. That is just me though.

She can do what she wants.

jenny1980 · November 2009

mrs_sisco:
Okay people, stop flaming the poor girl. She was only asking a question, not looking for everyone's complaining.....I can totally understand where she is coming from. She is not upset b/c she doesn't get to be "celebrated" or whatever, she is worried that she will not be able to financially afford all the items that her LO will NEED. So please stop with the holier than thou attitudes...

Uh, it's the parents' responsibility to provide necessities. Getting pregnant banking on family/friends picking up the tab is a bad plan.

hopefulmom · November 2009

The only thing you can actually host yourself without looking greedy is a "welcome baby party" once your baby has arrived. You are already having a shower thrown by your DH's family. So if you host a Welcome Baby Party people will come to see you and baby and bring gifts (without you asking for them...which is what it would be if you hosted your own shower). This way you can invite who you want...friends, family, etc.

marykaybride · November 2009

barnwife:
You don't have a right to a shower. You shouldn't throw your own - that's tacky. The purpose of a shower is to "shower the mother/father" with gifts. Throwing your own is essentially saying "I'm greedy! Buy me stuff!"

Honestly, you need to wait for people to offer. And if they don't, that's okay! All it means is you don't get a shower.

I guess it really depends on your set of friends/family and what part of the country you live in. We had a housewarming party earlier this year and I was appalled and the number of people who asked if we were registered somewhere! Who does that? I just wanted people to come see our house! But the retailers have made registering for every life event such a novelty that people are starting to expect gifts for every accomplishment or milestone. And some people these days throw their own showers and nobody thinks anything about it. I would never do that personally, but I certainly know of people who have.

marinabrideny · November 2009

mrs_sisco:
Okay people, stop flaming the poor girl. She was only asking a question, not looking for everyone's complaining.....I can totally understand where she is coming from. She is not upset b/c she doesn't get to be "celebrated" or whatever, she is worried that she will not be able to financially afford all the items that her LO will NEED. So please stop with the holier than thou attitudes...

This! I mean she really doesn't need the flaming people. I think it is absolutely normal for people to wonder if a shower is in the works. A lot of people ask and some are willing to host if they find out they aren't having one. The problem is how would they know if they don't ask. I find a lot of people just assume that something is being done already. I agree with the PP who mentioned telling people the truth when they ask you about the shower. It doesn't sound like begging and someone may then decide to throw one.

And, while I never knew someone who specifically threw their own shower. I know several people who were very involved (to a point they might as well throw their own). So relax and see what happens. If your friends aren't the type to stress over etiquette, then by all means do a small get together at your house or something.

northtamarack · November 2009

jenny1980:

mrs_sisco:
Okay people, stop flaming the poor girl. She was only asking a question, not looking for everyone's complaining.....I can totally understand where she is coming from. She is not upset b/c she doesn't get to be "celebrated" or whatever, she is worried that she will not be able to financially afford all the items that her LO will NEED. So please stop with the holier than thou attitudes...
Uh, it's the parents' responsibility to provide necessities. Getting pregnant banking on family/friends picking up the tab is a bad plan.

Its posts like these that make me realize why there is so much fundraising for this, that and every other thing. Parents continue to expect other people to pay the way for their child well after the shower.

Jennifer2008 · November 2009

hopefulmom:
You know, there ARE women who never had a shower at all.? At least you are getting one!

?

Oh my word. I so hope this is made up. ?

Jennifer2008 · November 2009

Oh no! I quoted the wrong person -- I was referring to the girl who said she and her husband were throwing their own shower, trying to couch it in some rationale about the economy as an explanation for that kind of tactless gift-grabbing.?

lindsay.lou · November 2009

I don't really get the flaming. The OP never suggested she intended to rely on her family/friends to support/raise her child. She's bummed/worried because her side of the family (& friends) might not get to attend a shower for her. I'd be bummed, too.

That said, I would highly suggest against throwing your own shower (not that OP ever said she would).

I might casually mention the situation to some of your closer friends just so they're aware in case they do want to step up. (I threw a last minute shower for a work friend of mine when she was like 38 wks pregnant because I found out (from her fiance) that she hadn't had one. She never told me because she was embarassed. I would've offered earlier if I had known!) I wouldn't harass them about it, but I'd make them aware of the situation (if they're good friends).

Best suggestion, though, was already mentioned: Welcome Home Baby party. You can host it yourself, everyone gets to meet the babe, and you'll get gifts.

Sunsh1ne · November 2009

Just give it some time. I thought no one would throw me a shower and then I had multiple friends ask! So two of them are co-hosting my shower I would feel sad also if no one offered. You can't throw your own, no. But I'll bet some friends will offer when they realize no one else has taken the lead.

I felt sad when I didn't think anyone would throw me a wedding shower. And then I ended up having three separate showers.

I'll bet one or more of your friends will step up if you give it time...

rcausey · November 2009

Personally, I didn't see it as she was asking for gifts, but that she was asking everyone's opinion on the etiquete of baby showers. As a first time mother, she probably didn't know all the "rules" of baby showers. I asked my mother and friends if I should register b/c I didn't know if its 'the norm' for me to have one since this is technically my second child, although its been 6 years since I've had a baby in the house. All my friends and family said that, yes, its ok to have a shower for a second child b/c most people want to contribute knowing that we don't still have all the baby items from the first one. Everything is about etiquete these days and I think she was just asking what the most pc thing was to do. I don't think she needed to be bombarded with insults for being "greedy" and "tacky".

tickled_pickle · November 2009

the only baby shower i've ever been to was hosted by the mom-to-be herself. i had no idea at the time that this was considered tacky at all - i knew that baby showers were had when a baby was expected, and i knew they were expecting. that's it. it wasn't until i started planning my wedding on the knot that i learned that hosting your own shower is considered rude. i think a lot of people just don't know - and frankly, i wouldn't care if someone hosted their own shower. regardless of who is hosting it, if it's a friend of mine i would want to go to a baby shower for her and bring her a gift. who cares how that came about?

flygirl152 · November 2009

I have been to showers hosted by the mom to be before and really thought nothing of it. I am going to be hosting my own shower this coming weekend! I am a planning type of person and I just decided I'd do it rather than putting it on someone else. This way I get to invite who I want to invite, plan and pay for the food, and I get to choose the date without having to wait until someone offers to throw me a shower. All my family lives in another province and the only one attending will be my mom and I wanted to make sure she was able to fly in for the weekend. My MIL lives in the same city but she has neither the space nor the money to through any sort of party. None of my friends really have the space either in their place to do it. I don't really have much space either and it will be crowded in my appartment with 15 or so people, but I would rather host my own shower.

Go ahead and flame me people, I don't care! If you don't like it when a mom takes on the shower herself then all I can say is don't go if you are offended.

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