Religion and your LO.

emiannie · November 2009

I know Miles is still a little guy, but I'm so torn about religion myself that I'm having a hard time deciding what approach to take with him. I'm adamant about letting him decide for himself how he believes, but I know from personal experience that unless you're introduced to a specific religion you can't choose it because you don't know anything about it. "Faith" is a hard thing for me...always has been. I was raised by two parents who worked LONG hours and the weekend was family time and did not involve going to church. Plus the area I grew up in was radical as far as religion went...scary even. So I didn't get into it.

I really, really want him to have a choice in the matter, but I'm not sure how we should go about making all the options available or when we should start. I don't want to force Christianity on him, but I also don't want him to not have that chance. We don't belong to a church. The ones in our area are no good and just for show on Sundays and that's certainly NOT what I want him to think church is about.

What do you do?

TakYelgif · November 2009

Well faith in GOD not "religion" is a central part of our family and is also the foundation of my marriage so for us it is a bit different.

I will say that while there are some specific complaints I have about my church, the community as a whole is good and the church is very well rounded in the sense that it stands behind and defends what they believe.

My point is that our church has a good strong foundation so I trust it overall when raising my son in the faith DH and I share.

Our rule in our household is that unless DS is sick he will attend church with us on a weekly basis until he is 14 at that time if he chooses to not go that is fine. We will also involve him in church youth related activities so he can form friendships etc with the other children.

We don't view requiring him to go to church with us as forcing "religion" on him since our faith is the central part of our family.

RoxBride · November 2009

My daughter is a Baptized Lutheran (ELCA) and has attended church pretty much every Sunday but one since she was 2 weeks old. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Have I "chosen" her religion for her? Yes. But what's wrong with that? When she's older, she can make informed choices, but until then, I'm informing her of what we beleive in and giving her information.

I see it this way. If it is important to me, I teach DD things now. I consider good manners important, so I teach her those. Same with the golden rule, same with being kind, same with math and english and all that good stuff. I don't wait for her to grow up and choose to speak English. A relationship with God is an important life skill, so I teach her about it now.

For what it is worth, she loves church. Our community prayed for our IVF success. They rallied the troops when I ended up on endless hospital bedrest. They scream and clapped with delight when her birth was announced on Christmas Eve. She smiles and claps when we arrive at church, collects hugs and smiles and cute faces from all the congregation, and generally considers it the happiest place on earth.

emiannie · November 2009

RoxBride:

Have I "chosen" her religion for her? Yes. But what's wrong with that?

I don't want anyone to misunderstand. I'm not judging anyone for doing anything in one particular way. I may have worded that poorly. I'm happy for people who know what they believe and are confident in it. I have never, ever been confident in my faith. I've come a LONG way from where I was, but I'm still not set. So I guess what I'm asking advice on is how to avoid my lack of committment to one faith screwing up his chance to believe in something. And the fact that I'm not set in one direction personally makes it important to me to not overly encourage one faith or another. Does that make sense?

RoxBride · November 2009

Oh, when I said 'what's wrong with that' it sounds defensive, and it wasn't supposed to be, it is more of a question, one to be answered, because honestly I don't 'get' the notion that choosing something for your child when they are tiny is a problem.

RoxBride · November 2009

I honestly don't know the answer to your question. I think the odds of a child finding a comfortable place for them in their faith as they grow are diminished if it isn't part of their growing up experience. So without the parents seeking out and finding a 'home', it is tricky.

If you can find a church home, or a way to live your faith as your child grows, you can always, when the time is right, visit other churches, explore other faiths, and introduce them to all kinds of notions when they are older.

emiannie · November 2009

I don't think that choosing something for your child when they're tiny is a problem if you know what you want for them.

Nevermind. I guess this isn't the right venue for this type of question. I wasn't looking for a debate or someone to tell me what to do. I wanted to know what others do to see how others handle it.

emmyloustu · November 2009

Em, I so hear you on this one. Dh and I are really struggling with this same issue. I am not going to hijack your post with all my own issues surrounding this, but we should chat about it...No easy answers.

emiannie · November 2009

Thanks Em. I'll send you an email.

rockvillebride · November 2009

I just wanted to say that I sympathize as we struggle with the same thing. You're not alone. It's even more in the forefront of my mind with the holidays coming up!

kammy · November 2009

I think about this too. I grew up a fundamentalist Christian, and now really don't know what I believe. Primarily I don't feel right anymore thinking one way is the only way to God and all other religions are wrong.

Sometimes I think about attending a Unitarian church because I think they use teachings from many religions.

fwiw, I think you just do the best you can for your kids, and they will figure it out for themselves as they grow up. My parents raised us in their faith, but now neither of us are still a part of it, so it can go either way.

BoxTer · November 2009

I could have written something like this. DH and I are an interfaith couple, but I am completely nonpracticing (Jewish) and am not really interested in religion. I can't really say what I believe, which is hard sometimes but I don't really dwell on it. DH goes to church fairly regularly and takes N with him. She goes to the nursery so it's more of a way to give me a little quiet time at home but he definitely wants to raise her in the church. I'm mostly OK with it because his church is nice and moderate and I think anything she'd learn there would back up the priniciples we will be teaching her at home. I think she'll make some nice friends there and they do fun activities, from what I can see. I rarely ever go to church with him because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I wonder how this will play out as she gets older and can ask why mommy doesn't go to church too. Will I have to start going too? My dad would like her to have some exposure to Judaism, which she does get at her preschool, but not much from me. I guess I'm rambling. I think we'll just do the best we can in raising her to be a moral, honest, trustworthy person and leading by example. How her religion will figure into that I'm not quite sure yet. I guess I'd like her to have a foundation in some religion because it might make her life easier, but I really can't say for sure that I entirely believe it. It's a tough issue and I'm sorry for taking over your post!

emiannie · November 2009

You guys are definitely not taking over my post! I'm glad I'm not the only one. After the first few responses I felt like maybe I should delete it...but it seems I'm not the only one out there. So thanks for sharing your stories...that's what I was hoping for.

AvaLikeLava · November 2009

Like you, I wasn't raised in a family that practiced anything, nor did we ever attend church. Like you, I am interested in finding a religion to call my own, but haven't identified myself with anything as of yet. DH was raised Baptist, but doesn't associate himself as Christian, and also does not attend services. We were married by my best friend who got her certification through the ULC.

I would like G to make his own choices when it comes to spirituality.

With that said, I don't intend to take him to services on a regular basis. We will discuss God and what I believe and what Daddy and other people believe when he's old enough to ask about it.

I'm also hoping that our friends, of various faiths will invite us to attend service with them. That way we'll all get the exposure to different practices. Also, if G asks me to go to church, we will to whichever one he'd like to attend.

Will I be making choices for him? Invariably, because until he's old enough to ask, I have to for him. NOT going to church is a choice too. I recognize this.

But yeah, that's my plan so far.

I'm sorry that you feel that this isn't the right venue to ask. It's a hot issue for many that have already made the choice for themselves. Everyone struggles for confirmation that what they're doing is the right things, which is why it's so hard.

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