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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
engaged678
member
ex-SIL infuriates me (long)
engaged678
member
SIL and BIL are getting divorced. SIL is a paraplegic and has been since 2 weeks after my niece was born. BIL works alot and they are in agreement that SIL keeps niece at her home and BIL takes her when he can.
MIL went into SIL's home today and said it was absolutely disgusting. SIL self-catheterizes and wears depends etc. and MIL said that there was no toilet paper for niece (who is almost 4) to use in the bathroom, there were used depends laying all over the house, not in the trash, and cath tubes everywhere. MIL is not the cleanest individual and does not keep a clean house by any means (or by my standards anyways) and she even said that it was disgusting. There were no cleaning supplies in the house at all. MIL went to the grocery store and spent $100 on the basics. SIL is 22 years old and likes to party on the weekends. While partying, she dumps niece on MIL and FIL to care for all weekend. They don't mind this because then they know that she's eating, being bathed and loved and attended to. SIL has a large house that has been paid for and upgraded to accomodate her and her disability.
I'm disturbed after MIL's phone conversation today and the more I think about it the more angry I get. They live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone else and I'm not sure that anyone would report SIL if it needed to happen.
I'm 2 provinces away and don't know if I can do anything but if she gets taken away from SIL, she comes to us. This scares the hell out of me because a) we're not in the greatest position to take in another child, and b) I fear for the amount of time and work that she'd need, the complete change in routine that this child would go through when she got here... structure is something that she doesn't see... ever.
I don't know what to do. Is this something that you'd hope the child is mildly used to and doesn't know any better and shrug off or do I speak up and risk having this little girl ripped away from the family and life that she knows?
*torn*
This discussion has been closed.
Re: ex-SIL infuriates me (long)
I'm confused as to how SIL is supposed to clean her house. Is there someone who is supposed to be doing it for her? Is she in a wheelchair? With a 4 year old almost all the time?
I don't see how it's fair for BIL not to have 50/50. It sounds like it was his choice, since he works "all the time." It seems like this must be a lot of work for your ex SIL.
She's had her house modified ($98 000 worth) to fit her every need. Counters lowered, revolving shelves, wider doorways...
She can do it all, she was made to prove it after all reno's were done. It was a necessary step to sign off the contract.
She's not at any disadvantage in this situation.
I think basic hygiene and sanitation cannot be overlooked in any situation.
How does she take the trash out?
your sil became a paralegic at the age of 18 after giving birth to your niece? how did it happen birth related? I ask because birth related injuries are a fear of mine.
Not birth related. She was in a car accident 2 weeks after baby. Not wearing a seatbelt.
She's got a garbage chute and MIL comes over weekly to take it to the curb.
Honestly, I'd love half of the gadgets that she's been equipped with in this house.
Even if she can't take the trash out, she can at least hit the garbage can with her used catheters and Depends. Sounds very unsanitary.
But if she lost custody, wouldn't her exH get custody before you?
this was decided by both parents when niece was born. It's more about the battle of the grandparents in this case. We're neutral territory.
longstoryshort... he doesn't have a permanent residence.
I personally think she is at a major disadvantage, she is 22.
She was married had a kid at the age of 18
She became a paralegic 2 weeks later
Her husband worked all the time and now divorced her
She has a house/bills to keep up with
She can barely take care of herself much less her house or her kid
All at the age of 22. At 22 I was in college and planning a wedding there is no way I would of been able to handle all of that that young.
She sounds like she needs alot of help.
ETA: I TOTALLY AGREE ITS UNSANITARY
But I think it sounds like she needs a nurse or maid or something.
I'm not one for dads who take a backseat, which is what it seems like your BIL is doing. How can he be so uninvolved?
She is his daughter. It seems like he should have her at least 50/50 if not more because of SIL's disability.
I would defintley say something. Thats not a sanitary environment for anyone especially a child.
I have to respectfully disagree. I think that if she needed help (ie, a visiting nurse, home health aide) she would ask for it. She has a child, she needs to put the child's safety and well being first. If she can't take care of her, she needs to say so. This didn't happen yesterday, so I would imagine that she's had time to adjust and let it all sink in. Time to do what's best for her child.
I agree with this
I would think it would be time for her parents or someone to step in.
OBVIOUSLY she cant take care of herself so I think someone needs to step in to help.
If that means caring for the child then so be it but she needs some sort of help.
Look at the situation she is in.
he works alot to pay rent/child support. SIL kicked him out because he didn't want another baby. He thought it was enough work as it is to maintain this lifestyle. He's not uninvolved, just not a 50/50 situation. He's a good daddy.
I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming her solely but she's very naive and immature. She's been offered housekeeping services but keeps such odd hours on the internet and phone that she would never be responsible enough to let them in once a week. Her disability is definitely a disadvantage but she's been cleared to live on her own by the provincial govt standards. She's not in it alone by any means.
Engaged- what if you stopped over for a surprise visit and check it out for yourself, maybe MIL was exagerating or maybe it was a off day but if it is in fact a pigpen I would just tell her you are really concerned about your niece and ask her if she needs some sort of help (Not you, but a medical professional)
Explain the severity of the situation , maybe she doesnt "get" it.
I've tried the pep talk "kids come first always, #1 priority = daughter" but it hasn't sunk in.
I agree, she needs help but refuses alot of it.
This is why it's frustrating.
You are letting your brother off way to easy in this situation. I don't care what they agreed to. It's obviously not working so he needs to grow up and make some changes. Like for one finding a permanent residence.
Just because she was required to show that all the changes worked/work doesn't mean it is easy for her. Why is she expected to grow up but not your brother?
I'm 12 hours away. I don't doubt that it's messy but I don't know that she's that concerned. I talk to her often but she's not one to put others needs first, even if that other is her child.
Exactly.
Well, they both should. But he's got a daughter who is not being taken care of. It's time for him to man up.
in this situation, BIL left because she kicked him out. He's living at MIL's but can't use that as a permanent residence.
I don't think that divorce is easy on anyone.
Put yourself in my shoes. WWYD?
(record... he's not my brother, I'm not picking a favorite in this case)
ITA but growing up in a less-than clean house, I don't think he sees the severity of it either.
It's crappy.
Why can't he use MIL's house as his residence? Is there a room set up there for the niece?
I agree w/pp who said SIL sounds depressed. I'm not sure how you can address that. I'm suggesting for the sake of the girl that BIL should get at least 50/50 physical custody and have her at MIL/BIL's home more often. That might cause SIL to spiral further in her depression or mean that she's going to be even worse of a housekeeper.
I do think someone needs to be checking in on the home more frequently to make sure it's kept clean and that there are groceries there.
SIL needs some housekeeping help. Can BIL/MIL/the family chip in for a Christmas gift of a maid service?
i don't care if your BIL NEVER sees/supports the kid. there are plenty of single moms out there who maintain sanitary homes for their kids. disabled or not. putting your depends in the trash is a basic step.
and a lot of you are acting like shes really bogged down with all the responsibility. if that was the case how on earth is she out partying every weekend? in a wheelchair no less.... that blows my mind.
both parents sound like gems. that poor poor girl. i'll take her!
Well your right it is frustrating for you
If shes refusing help especially.
But the whole situation is honestly really messed up there is alot of people that should be held accountable....
I dont think living by herself when she is required to take care of another person is ideal or for the best. She might be able to handle it if its just taking care of herself but who knows.
Can you imaging cathing youself and wearing depends while taking care of a l/o and going through a divorce and dealing with you own disability?
The girl needs help its too much for anyone, let alone someone who is 22.
no. no i can't. and i'm sure she needs help. she also needs to not be out partying. there are services that will help if she needs it and she needs to step up and do that. it doesn't sound so much like an issue of her needing help, but more that she is a slob who doesn't care. cath tubes and depends on the floor?!?! not ok. not ever. i don't care if you have two heads and no legs, you clean up your depends.
i read an article of a mom who had a mental disability and had the education level of a 7 year old and raised a child in a clean home, kept a stable job, and the daughter was an honor roll student. sometimes life is hard, but you get through. she asked for help, and the SIL needs to do the same.
I agree I think it should be forced help really
I read that article too, I think it was in people? Mom worked and MCD's? Anyways didnt social services step in and say in order to keep her daughter she had to get help? Maybe thats what needs to happen in this case too. Maybe someone does need to contact and FORCE the help.
it was people! that's where i get all of my hard hitting news!!! i think you're right. perhaps social services do need to be contacted. i'm all for parents keeping their kids. sometimes they just need some help. that def sounds like the case here.
thank you!
Custody/support/disability or not, I'm ultimately concerned regarding the safety and care of my niece.