LGBT Parenting

need to be prepared in all the close-mindedness

 Well I guess I should say first how good it has been to find this site.  I am enjoying reading the posts and plan on contributing some throughout  our process.  My partner and I are in the planning stages of parenting, but cant wait to be mommies as well as get to know all of you and share this journey together.

 We will be going for our first Appt with a fertility specialist and Im kinda freakin out!  First off let me say that we live in a very close minded community in Tennessee and we are not sure if they will throw us out as soon as we mention our family plan.   Its kind of confusing so let me describe what we will have to do and any info or advice from you all is very much appreciated.

My partner just had a hysterectomy, but her ovaries were not removed.  It was her decision and after alot of thought, we kept them so we could have a child.  Ideally we want to take her egg and sperm from an already chosen donor, and I will be carrying the baby.  Its all sorts of confusing.

We did choose to go to a bigger city that is close by, but like I said its our first appt and we are not even sure how to go about it, because we dont know anything about the procedures, laws or anything.  I want to go into this appointment as prepared as I can be. We have done a bit of research about it and think that it may be some sort of gestational surrogacy?  Am I along the right lines here with this?  Have any of you all been down this road before?  Any suggestions as to where I might be able to get some more info.  Im just scared that because of where we live and how LGBT relationships are viewed here, that it is going to be a heck of a ride, and am not sure all of this is possible.

 

Re: need to be prepared in all the close-mindedness

  • Hello and welcome!

    If anyone has resources it will be Mrs._F - she's a wealth of knowledge!

    I think most REs have seen ever family combo possible. If they are professional and knowledgable they will guide the coversation. They will check out your insurance and tell you exactly what is and isn't covered.  We looked into using my wife's egg but me carrying.  Actually the RE threw it out there as one of our options.  Our only cost at the time would have been the sperm and $1,000 for the embryo transfer.  But we decided to stick with my eggs so I never learned more about this option.

    I would suggest checking with a lawyer in your state to find out who the child would legally belong (sorry, lack of better word at the moment) when he/she is born.  In NY for example the birth mother is automatically the legal mom regardless of the egg.  Other states it's the biological mother regardless of who carried.  You'll need to know this in order to do the proper paperwork and file for 2nd parent adoption (if that's an option in TN) and or any other legal paperwork you'll need.

    Good luck - hope you stick around and join in the conversations!

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  • LOL, thanks Two!

    Welcome to the board!  I definitely second Two's suggestion of getting in touch with a local lgbt-experienced lawyer (check out your local pink pages or ask the gay and lesbian community center if you need help finding one).  The good news is that a quick search on HRC.org (go here and choose TN) reveals that TN does not have any restrictions on unmarried women using donor sperm (some states still actually don't allow that), and they do allow adoption by lgbt people.  However, there isn't any evidence of second-parent adoption (click here) in TN - it's not officially on the books, but that doesn't mean it hasn't ever been granted in a court - this is where a lawyer will be crucial.  You'll need to know what legal hurdles may stand in the way of you and your partner both having full parental rights over your child.

    Since there don't seem to be laws barring unmarried women from fertility treatments, the only thing you'd have to worry about is the attitude of the particular doc you see.  If you find him/her to be unaccepting of you or unwilling to work with you - ask for someone else.  But like Two said - fertility doc's shouldn't be too shocked to see a female couple.

    The idea of you carrying with your partner's egg shouldn't be a new one to a fertility doc either - people definitely do that.

    I always recommend general ttc resources to people: Rachel Pepper and Stephanie Brill both have books (The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians and the New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception Pregnancy and Birth). Both books are great overviews of ttc for female couples, and answer most of the basic "how" "where" etc questions.  I don't think that either book goes into detail about the procedure that you are planning on - but I'm sure they at least touch upon it and are great general resources (my wife and I conceived through iui - so it's possible I just don't remember the books talking about using one partner's egg in the other's womb because it wasn't the part that was most important for me).

    Hope some of that is helpful, and look forward to seeing you on the board!

    Mrs._F
    sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer

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  • Welcome!

    The other ladies have it pretty much covered, but if you havent already done so and are looking for a little reassurance prior to your meeting, I'd recommend calling the RE's office to specifically ask if they have experience with same sex couples.  I'd bet a fair amount of $$ that they do, but it might just be nice for you to know for sure going in.

  • Wow *Two you were not kidding when you said that Mrs_F is a wealth of knowledge!   Thank you all for the help and suggestions.

    Mrs_F I actually just ordered both of those books a few days ago after reading it on another post of yours. Im looking forward to reading them, and  I thank you for posting those links to HRC.  The previous information I had on the subject of unmarried women using donor sperm was a little off.  These are just the types of resources I was looking to find.

    We just found an lgbt experienced attorney and have scheduled to meet with her, only problem is is that any lgbt friendly or experienced poeple are not very local for us.  So im curious to see how things will be done through different counties and things.  

    All of this this makes me wanna move lol

    Thanks so much for the help and suggestions!

  • Oh good - I'm so glad that the info was helpful!  Let us know how it goes with the lawyer (bummer you have to travel for that)!
    Mrs._F
    sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer

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  • Welcome and good luck on your info gathering, lawyer meeting and RE visit!
    Met 07/07/05, Wedding 07/07/07, Legal Marriage Ceremony 12/9/12, Baby Boy Born 08/09/13 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • not sure how i ended up on LGBT board but.......

    I wish you the best of luck in your journey! I know whatever you have your baby will be loved by two fabulous mommies!!! Such a shame that in 2009 people are still as close minded as they are.....blows my mind sometimes....

    Good luck :)  

  • We are planning to do an IVF this year with my eggs. My partner would carry the baby. We spoke with our RE and he said it is easier if I "donate" my eggs instead of having my partner be a gestational surrogate - less legal paperwork upfront. I recently gave birth to our first baby this past June and we are in the process of doing a second parent adoption. There is no law on the books in Texas, but our lawyer said only certain judges will allow these types of adoptions to go through. Hopefully our case gets put with once of those judges, otherwise we have to resubmit till we get a judge we know will approve this. It's total BS, but not surprising living where I live. We are currently looking to relocate where the laws are a bit more favorable to everyone.

  • I echo what everone else has said- and would like to add that our local chapter of the NCLR was exceptionally helpful in our process. 

    One other thing that you might want to ask your clinic up front about is the use of known donor sperm for donor egg IVF.    Depending on your state, it may hold up your timeline.  In Texas, if you are going to use a known donor and you aren't married, the specimen has to go through a 6 to 12 month isolation period- technically to protect you from STD's. 

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