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Babies: 9 - 12 Months
brideofscowboy
member
Cutting a family member out.
brideofscowboy
member
Is there a family member you have nothing to do with? How did you go about doing this? How long has it been? How do you feel about it now?
We had yet another blow out with my FIL last night and we're to the point where the issues cannot be fixed. We've tried multiple times to start fresh and we always end up in the same situation. He fails to even acknowledge things he's done and said, how other ppl may feel, and fabricates stories and situations all against himself claiming that he is the victim. He tries to control everything and lost it when he found himself out of control last night.
It's unfortunate that we don't want him in our son's life, but we are feeling pretty helpless and after the incident last night, We don't feel safe around him and we can't keep going through this repetative circle. I'm being blamed for everything and faulted for dealing with him the way I have which I thought was quite civil though apparently it's disrespectful.
Please no flames, I'm still an emotional mess about it all and am actually terrified to be at home with DS while DH is at work.
Any words of advice or encouragement are much appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Cutting a family member out.
I'm sorry you're going through such a mess with your family. I really have no advice for you but, I hope this situation clears up for you.
I can so relate!!! I hate my FIL. The man is an a$$ and there is nothing that will change that. If he would at least apologize for some of the crap he has done, maybe we could move on. But he won't because he thinks he is never wrong. He really is just crazy. DH is having a hard time with it because he just feels weird not having contact with his father. But I am so done with him and really don't want him in DS's life. So I feel for ya and don't blame you!
I know EXACTLY how you feel right now.
When my grandmother died, she wanted to be cremated and brought to the beach. She was adamant about this, and made sure everyone in our family knew. My 3 uncles (mom's brothers) decided that's not what she wanted, and made arrangements for her remains to be brought to a cemetery. (Gram was terrified of cemeteries, btw, and was very vocal about never wanting to go to one) It's been nearly 3 years since she passed, and her urn still sits in my uncle's house because they refuse to scatter her remains.
Their reasoning - because it's not the "Catholic" thing to do. (They're all born-agains) I should also add - my grandmother never went to church, and was not a religious woman at all.
So I now have no contact with my 3 uncles & their wives, and limited contact with my 7 cousins.
Sometimes blood does not = family, and you have to move on with your life without certain people in it. It's amazing what brings out people's true colors. If cutting ties with FIL is in the best interest of your family, and DS, then there's your answer.
No flames here, but I have been in a sort of similar situation on two accounts. I didn't speak to my father for almost six years. It wasn't until a family tragedy happened and I became pregnant that we even thought about mending fences. Things are still pretty forced, but I will never let myself give him the right to govern our relationship.
My other instance is more recent and involved the tragedy mentioned above. My sister is one of my most selfish people in the entire world. She is a user or people and substances. She choose pot, meth, and men over my nephew and therefore lost custody of him. She did absolutely nothing to try and get him back and showed no remorse for her actions. My mom has custody of my nephew and will be adopting him on Dec. 21st. Because of my sisters choices and how her actions have affected others, I will have nothing to do with her until her good track record is the same length as her bad one. I refuse to subject my immediate family (DH and DS) to her poison.
I guess I should put some words of encouragement in too! I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm 26. And being an adult has come with some difficult decisions about my relationships with other people and how I handle them. I think cutting both of those people out my life was the best thing for my mental health. Dealing with the drama surrounding my father almost gave me an ulcer at 18 years old.
I think the most difficult thing you might encounter (besides second gussing your decision) is the reacion of other family members. Stick to your guns though, you know what's best for you and your family!
Thanks girls! In a twisted way I'm glad that I'm not the only one who is going through something like this. I don't wish anyone to have to deal with this, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone since much of the time it feels that way.
We know what we have to do, yet we still find ourselves second guessing our decision. Then we think about how we've tried so many times to resolve the issues that exist.
Thanks again for listening and thanks for sharing your stories.
We have very little to do with DH's entire family. They live about 6 hrs away so that makes it easier. He never phones them or returns their calls, so I don't either. Every now and then we see them while visiting his friends - I think it's b/c he feels guilty not b/c he wants to. This was going on before DH and I started dating. I think it's sad because I am so close to my family - but at the same time I don't understand what he has been through so I respect his decisions and follow his lead. He had a hard childhood and I think he wants to put that behind him and make a new family with me and DS. Cutting off communication seems to have worked for us.
No flames here - I think it's okay and sometimes necessary to cut out a family member, especially a parent.