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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
I'm not sure what to do- family drama (long)
Ok, I almost never post about family drama, but I need some uninvolved opinions here.
Background: DH's family has been torn apart for several years. He & ILs haven't seen his mom's family in 7 years, bc his grandpa basically went nuts and threatened to harm MIL. He was just too volatile to risk contact, and it divided the family. He still hates MIL, but sees the rest of the family. There has been a little contact with GMIL, about once a year. We did send his family Xmas cards last year to try to ease into communication. It went well, but little communication followed.
DH's uncle (aunt's husband) died on Monday. There is a service on Saturday, and DH & I would like to attend. The problem is we would have to bring DD. My mom can watch DS, but she can't handle them both, my dad is out of town, all our friends work that day. MIL isn't sure if she is going yet, but if she doesn't, I have a feeling she will be very upset, and I feel like it would be rubbing salt in the wound to ask her to watch DD.
GFIL is no longer any kind of physical threat. He is not well, and is not ambulatory. He also never showed any aggression directly toward DH, but his therapist at the time recommended his contact with DH & BIL be limited, since GFIL saw them as an extension of MIL. He has met me, but has never met either of our kids.
I guess I'm wondering if this is a horrible idea. I'm worried about DD being there if shiit hits the fan, it could be scary for her. At the same time, I think seeing her might help everyone behave and bond.
DH misses his family so much, and he has been looking for an opportunity to reestablish the connection for so long. It's been this huge cloud over his head for 7 years. Everyone except GFIL would be welcoming to us, I think. And honestly, he may be happy to see DH too, we just don't know. (Obviously if I considered GFIL to be the least bit physically threatening, we wouldn't go. It's an emotional outburst I am afraid of.)
Ugh, I hate family. Lol. I just don't know what to do.
ETA: I may DD this later.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm not sure what to do- family drama (long)
If it were me, i'd send DH on his own and have him extend my sympathies since I could not be there because I was home w/the LO's. It could give him personal time w/the family and he wouldn't be in a rush because of having LO there.
Yeah, he won't go if I'm not there. I should have mentioned that. He really wants to go, but at the same time is so nervous. He's really traumatized from everything that happened before. This side of the family is his achilles heal.
I appreciate the advice though, thank you!
Could DH go alone?
I will tell you, from experience, that if DD is there and something happens, you will feel awful. My dad had a HUGE emotional outburst and tried breaking into my mom's car while my mom, sister, and DD were in the car. My sister let him in the backseat INCHES from my DD and he was screaming at my mom. I was inside and didn't witness it, but I still feel like puking when I think about it. I hate that I put her in a situation where she was so vulnerable.
I think if you keep DD close you can take necessary safety precautions and still attend.
Just stay away from GFIL - since he not ambulatory that should be pretty easy, and if he goes berserk, you should be able to get away from him easily with DD also, given he isn't ambulatory.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
I think you should go. Support your DH, and they are your family too. DD should go as well. I have (unfortunately) gone to 3 funerals since DD was born and brought her to all of them. I think having a child there lightens the mood a little bit.
I would hope that your ILs would behave themselves at the funeral. If things get hairy you can bolt!