S/O flame worthy
Phantomgirl
member
I've been thinking about this for the past hour or so...
My father is head over heels in love with my nephew (only grandchild) to the point that both my brother and I are amused by it. My brother has his son EOW and my dad simply can't wait to see him. The phone calls start early in the week to make arrangements for us all to be together and the excitement is like a child on Christmas morning. Both my nephew and my dad have an amazing bond and delight in each others company. My nephew has brought us all closer over the past 2.5 years of his life.
IF my brother began dating a girl with a child obviously you would want that child to feel welcome and accepted etc BUT I simply cannot imagine honestly expecting my father to show that child the type of love he genuinely has for his grandson. And I shudder at the thought of some girl wanted to limit or condition their relationship unless he did. That would devastate my father.
I expect that it will be the same when I have kids. Maybe my opinion is tainted by this by the fact that my SMs family has never shown any interest in my brother and I and that is fine with us. Also my SS is the light of his grandfather?s life and he knows my father as his grandfather?s friend.
I just wonder in these cases if the kids are really being hurt or if we impose our feelings/expectations on them. I can't see why you can't just explain to the kid well that is DD/DS grandparent and you have yours who loves you very much.
Before flaming begins I totally think that in the below post the card could have been sent to all the kids I am just saying that I feel it is normal that grandparent expect to have a special bond with their grandkids.
Re: S/O flame worthy
My mom loves my SKs like they are her bio-GCs. She is so excited about LO, my parents' first bio-GC, and she feels the need to correct people when they ask if she is excited about being a grandparent. She'll respond with, "Well, I'm already a grandparent, but this one is just as exciting!"?
My mom was a bit nervous when I told her about DH having kids when we met. Those anxieties were quickly replaced with joy and love once she met them. So, my mom is a bit different than most.
My MIL is a totally different story... and all of her GCs are bio. My niece is 5 years older than the next grandkid, and then they file in every year after that. She will blatantly refer to my oldest niece as her "Star" and openly talk about how her relationship is different with her. THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
I can understand feeling different about subsequent grandkids, but it shouldn't be shown or allowed for the kids to see/hear it. KWIM??
As a child from a blended family I can tell you, yes, kids notice. Sure it didn't ruin my life but as a child I could see the favortism and it did make me feel bad at times. Visiting step grandparents, I often felt seperate. Like I was the odd one out.
Sure, you can't really help your feelings but that shouldn't be an excuse to make a child feel left out. I sometimes think adults don't realize how much kids remember and then are surprised when as adults, they cut themselves off from those people.
I understand where you are coming from, and I even agree with you to a point. I am from a blended family and I can tell you that my step-mother's family barely even acknowledged us let alone bought us gifts. But, I was 13 when I became part of a blended family, and I honestly think that the older the child the more difficult it is for outside family to accept them.
My SS became part of my family's life when he was 3. Although my parents do not have the same bond with him as they do their other 9 grandchildren, they still treat him the same. Just because you do not feel the same on the inside (in your heart) does not mean that any of the children have to see that. And, as time is going on, my SS has become more and more like a true grandchild to my parents. I will not ever tell my SS that my DD has different grandparents than he does. He knows he is from divorced parents and that is hard enough on him without then telling him that my parents do not love him like they love his sister.
I think every situation is different, but because of my past and my horrid experiences being in a blended family I do everything I can to keep an even playing field with my SS and DD.
Side note - the grandparents who favor my SS over my DD are biological grandparents to both children. They treat my DD differently becasue they do not like me very much - and I find this behavior sickening.
Side note - the grandparents who favor my SS over my DD are biological grandparents to both children. They treat my DD differently becasue they do not like me very much - and I find this behavior sickening.
I'm really scared my parents are going to do this. They don't see SDs very much, DH is NCP and long distance (they send SDs presents for birthdays and Christmas and have their picture on the picture table with all our other pix) but they don't like my SIL and I really think they're going to treat my kids differently from their kids (my mom has made comments leading me to believe this, it's not just blind suspicion). It makes me sick too.
I guess, when actually faced with the situation, I might think differently. Mine are all what if's, my brother does not have a gf with a child nor do I have bio's so who knows.
Also I to was an adult when my father and mother divorced.
As weird as this may sound, my SD and DD's bio-grandparents play favorites with my SD more than DD...I know that part of this is because they feel bad about her parents not being together anymore and almost baby her because of it...not that they don't love DD it's just a little different. It's gotten better now that we are married which makes me giggle. I honestly think in the beginning since we weren't married his parents were almost afraid to get close to DD because they didn't want to have to go through what they do with SD again...if that makes sense?
But my parents are in love with both of them just the same lol...if my mom buys something for DD she also buys something for SD without a question and normally she finds something for SD first which I think is so cute:) My dad spoils both of them rotten and the girls already know to go to him if they want anything that they know nobody else will let them have
I am a little late in responding...I've actually had to work today for a change! I agree that it is totally normal for a grandparent to feel a special bond with their bio grandchildren. My mom definitely has more of a bond with DD than my stepsons, but she still treats them with love and respect. She may not treat all of the kids exactly the same, but she still acknowledges that they are an important part of my (and thusly her) family. She does the "basic stuff" like attending birthday parties, school programs, and buys gifts for holidays for all 3 kids alike. But there are still some things like overnight visits, special outings, etc that DD gets to do more often. Same goes for the boys and DH's parents. I think that is totally normal.
It is the flat out ignoring that my step sons even exist and being deliberately cruel to them that I take issue with. Hope that makes sense!
There are so many responses that I wanted to comment on a bunch but am forgetting, lol. I definitely realize that my opinions might be formed because my parents were married for 50 years before my Dad passed away and because my SD was 11 when I started dating DH. I do not think it is reasonable to expect the Grandparents to love the kids equally or even treat them the same...we chose the situation but they inherited it and even if they try it does not mean they will be 100% successful and it is not fair to expect it - it is great if they do of course.
But, I think that everyone involved should treat kids like kids and should buy them gifts etc. But I am still hung up on the fact that it seems to be that kids with step-parents are "expected" to get equally from 4 sets of grandparents and their step-siblings should get equal from 2 of those sets of grandparents and yet that is said to be "fair". I understand not wanting a kid to feel left out or unloved, which is totally not ok, but I think there are also times that it is not fair to a child to not have something special/different with their bio-grandparent when their setp-sibling/"half-sibling (I do not like that term but used it here to make my point) gets to have it with their other grandparents.