Let's talk men and nagging

raceyrae · October 2009

I definitely do not like to and try to avoid nagging but can you please explain to my DH that If after I ask for your help with something once and you don't get to it, I'll ask again. And if after the 3-4 time of asking over a few weeks (we're not even talking about asking multiple times in a day), you still don't get to it, I'm either 1) going to do it myself and have you fix it when I screw it up or 2) get upset that I'm having to ask 8000 times and question why you can't take the 5 minutes to help put something up. No, I don't think this is considered nagging anymore than he might consider his reluctance to follow through with what he's said he'd do frustrating and annoying.

Is it only my DH who seems to think having to ask a million times for him to do something is nagging and wearing him down? What he (and I think many men in this situation) fail to understand -- having to ask 8000 times for them to follow through on something that takes 5 min to complete is as frustrating to deal with as hearing me ask you to do it!!! It appears in order to not be considered nagging, you pretty much have to never ask them to do something more than once and just pray that within the next 5 years they'll remember to do what they said they'd do during that first time you asked. Argh.... Ok, vent over.

MrsMcJamie · October 2009

Dude, have you been reading my diary? I've been dying here... our main thing is scooping the litter box bc it's one of those things I'm not supposed to do being pregnant. Well, our definitions of when it needs scooped are vastly different. He likes to wait until Smarty craps in the hall, I can smell it 3 days before that. And also, if she craps in the hall? Whatever nasty germs I'm avoiding by not scooping are now IN THE HALL.

I'm totally w/ you Racy. He whines that I nag when he could just do it the first time, hence avoiding the need to nag. I hate doing it, I really do. If I never asked him to do stuff though, I'd do it all myself... or at least that's what it feels like. I think we just have very different definitions of things like "clean", and "today".

surfnsandbride · October 2009

Oh no, you are by no means alone. I love and adore my DH, really. But I wouldn't ask if I didn't really need him to do something because that's how I am. If I can do it myself, I just do it and in pretty quick order. So yes, after I've had to beg and plead and ask a million times for him to do something I'm upset that he hasn't done what I asked, upset I can't do it myself, and upset that I feel like an old nagging wife that is on his case about getting things done. I have to admit he's gotten somewhat better because he started keeping a "honey do list" on the fridge. He thinks it's funny that I take it down when company comes over because I don't want anyone to make fun of it and think I'm a nag! Embarrassed

moobug · October 2009

This is my DH with taking care of the mass amounts of leaves in our yard and on the porch roof. He has actually told me he doesn't see a point in cleaning up leaves every weekend if they are just going to keep falling. To this I said I might stop doing his laundry since he seems to keep making it dirty again. I hope he got the point - we'll see this weekend.

BackthePack · October 2009

moobug:
To this I said I might stop doing his laundry since he seems to keep making it dirty again. I hope he got the point - we'll see this weekend.

That's great!! I'm going to have to pull that one b/c DH feels the same way about the leaves. Umm, if you can't see our grass AT ALL it's time to get them up!!!! Thank God it's just like that in the back yard...

dbertagni · October 2009

I pretty much learned with DH if I want something done I have to tell him "on this day this is what we are doing so plan for it" and that day it needs to be done, and he knows in advance that is ALL we are doing that day until it gets done. I tell him in advance that is what he needs to do that day. Usually he'll spend like one day or one afternoon doing what I need done. I found that to be easier than asking him to do little things here and there. It is really annoying because when I want something done or put up, or put away I want it done NOW and he isn't like that, so I just about have given up. It still frustrates me. We were supposed to do Jocelyn's closet organizer while I was pregnant and it didn't get done until she was 6 months old!!! He also doesn't like me doing any "projects" so I have to rely on him to do everything around the house like that.

murph04 · October 2009

Nope, you are not alone. I struggle with this as well. And I get pretty frustrated when DH acts all pissy that I'm nagging him when I ask him about whatever it is a few days/weeks/months later.

I also get frustrated with what I call the "3/4 clean up." DH is really good about doing things around the house like dishes and laundry, but often he only goes 3/4 of the way and it drives me berserk. For example, he'll wash and fold laundry, but won't put it up. Instead, piles of laundry will sit on our sofa or on the dressers or the bed. And they will stay there for days if I don't put them away. Or he'll put the dinner dishes into the dishwasher and leave the dirty pots and pans in the sink or on the stove. WTF?! Dude, if you're going clean up, finish the damn job!

Yet I hesitate to bring up the "3/4 clean up" with him because I'm afraid his feelings will get hurt, he'll get pouty and be all, "well, I guess I don't do anything right" and stop doing things at all.

H&W05 · October 2009

Ugh, I hear ya! Like you said, I hate nagging as much as he probably hates hearing it. I try not to nag, but the alternative is to do it all myself and then I get annoyed that I'm the one cleaning, etc all the time.

Sometimes I'll try a different approach. Like if he left something in the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher, I'll ask, 'Oh, is this dirty?' Instead of saying 'Why couldn't you just put this in the dishwasher?' And he'll get the hint.

MrsMcJamie · October 2009

Murph - the 3/4 clean up is rampant in our home as well. For us it's "I'll do the dishes, honey" then he does them, but somehow doesn't have the ability to turn his head to see there's a dirty pot on the stove. And of course, washing the dishes doesn't involve wiping down the counters, so why would he look there? So, thanks for doing the dishes, er... 3/4 of them.

I feel like such an old lady w/ all this... and sometimes that makes me even madder at him! I don't want to nag, I don't want to fixate on these little things.

jenhum · October 2009

I will preface this by saying that DH does help me around the house, and I really appreciate that help. And he has gotten better lately about doing things before I ask him to- which is awesome.

But I've explained to him- I nag b/c you don't listen. If you did something the first time I asked and didn't make me remind you 10 times, there would be no nagging at all. B/c usually the options are I do it myself, or it doesn't get done.

murph04 · October 2009

McJ, don't even get me started on wiping down the counters. *Gah!*

I also think men and women have different definitions when it comes to "cleaning." DH seems to think "cleaning" is picking things up and putting them away (or in many cases a neat pile -- again, *Gah!*). While I agree this is part of cleaning, my definition involves using some sort of cleaning agent or tool on the surface that was just cleared.

NatPhoto09 · October 2009

murph04:
Or he'll put the dinner dishes into the dishwasher and leave the dirty pots and pans in the sink or on the stove. WTF?! Dude, if you're going clean up, finish the damn job!

my DH is the same!! he will get the kitchen spot less, the floors, the counters, the faces of the appliances but the sink can be full!! It drives me crazy.

raceyrae · October 2009

surfnsandbride:
But I wouldn't ask if I didn't really need him to do something because that's how I am. If I can do it myself, I just do it and in pretty quick order. So yes, after I've had to beg and plead and ask a million times for him to do something I'm upset that he hasn't done what I asked, upset I can't do it myself, and upset that I feel like an old nagging wife that is on his case about getting things done.

This is the same for me also. I usually don't ask for help with something unless I can't do it myself. I'd rather just take the few minutes to tackle it than have to ask for help. The big one for me right now is that I'm not comfortable using the drill so anything that has to be put up on the wall, he does. But it's like pulling teeth. I really wish he would just show me how to properly use the drill, then I wouldn't have to ask for his help for any of it.

And like others, DH does help out around the house with chores (his big one being cooking!) which is wonderful. It's just these extra things that he is so hestitant to follow through with. And like others have said, he does the 3/4 clean also. When I'm gone for the evening and he's left to clean up the kitchen after he cooks and eats, he'll put some of the dishes in the dishwasher but leave the pans and not wipe down the counters. I would love to come home one night to a 100% cleaned up kitchen.

I like the honey do list on the frig and maybe just planning for one day to do these extra tasks. We have tried doing the extra tasks on a Saturday or something but he still drags his feet and I have to ask again the next day when he hasn't done it yet.

NatPhoto09 · October 2009

since football season started he doesn't leave the house on Sunday and I'm mostly in charge of Nic. So we came up with an agreement, he could have all of Sunday, if he would do the laundry and keep the kitchen clean. It is week 8 of the NFL season and neither task has been 100% done. I hate to nag also but it is a necessary evil.

terpbrideinnc · October 2009

*checks pants for penis* Sadly, I am the the one who requires most of the nagging in our relationship.

Evans · October 2009

For the most part, my DH is great about doing what I ask, but there are times when I do have to nag if it is something he 1) doesn't really care about or 2) just doesn't want to do.

I have found a gem of a line (I think from a movie or a TV show) that works every time. Instead of nagging him about it, I just say "I will just ask my Dad to take care of it the next time he is here."

MrsMcJamie · October 2009

Evans:

"I will just ask my Dad to take care of it the next time he is here."

OMG, that's amazing. I'm totally doing this. I actually can't wait to use this...

raceyrae · October 2009

MrsMcJamie:
Evans:

"I will just ask my Dad to take care of it the next time he is here."

OMG, that's amazing. I'm totally doing this. I actually can't wait to use this...

Unfortunately, I've tried this and DH just says "ok" which would be fine if my dad lived close by but he's here once a year.

MrsMcJamie · October 2009

MrsMcJamie:
Evans:

"I will just ask my Dad to take care of it the next time he is here."
OMG, that's amazing. I'm totally doing this. I actually can't wait to use this...

I actually might have to tweak it to be "Mom" for my scooping the litter box issue. Which might be even more insulting!

The"Q" · October 2009

Evans:
"I will just ask my Dad to take care of it the next time he is here."

This is us...if he drags his feet on anything all I have to say is this and it magically gets done. Sorry it won't work for you. Is there a friend or neighbor you could mention you may ask if he doesn't have the time?

murph04 · October 2009

Evans:
I have found a gem of a line (I think from a movie or a TV show) that works every time. Instead of nagging him about it, I just say "I will just ask my Dad to take care of it the next time he is here."

My Dad doesn't live near us, but his Dad does. Hmmm...

sms297 · October 2009

murph04:

I also think men and women have different definitions when it comes to "cleaning." DH seems to think "cleaning" is picking things up and putting them away (or in many cases a neat pile -- again, *Gah!*). While I agree this is part of cleaning, my definition involves using some sort of cleaning agent or tool on the surface that was just cleared.

This is our house! DH is good at picking up but I can't think of the last time he used a cleaning product!

Jenandtonica · October 2009

terpbrideinnc:
*checks pants for penis* Sadly, I am the the one who requires most of the nagging in our relationship.

::fist bump::

I wonder if our DHs write manifestos complaining about us on the Internet.

Stick out tongue

uncharch7 · October 2009

terpbrideinnc:
*checks pants for penis* Sadly, I am the the one who requires most of the nagging in our relationship.

me too

murph04 · October 2009

Jenandtonica:
terpbrideinnc:
*checks pants for penis* Sadly, I am the the one who requires most of the nagging in our relationship.
::fist bump::
I wonder if our DHs write manifestos complaining about us on the Internet.

Mr. Murph keeps threatening to start a Web site for DHs called "The Shed."

Jenandtonica · October 2009

murph04:
Jenandtonica:
terpbrideinnc:
*checks pants for penis* Sadly, I am the the one who requires most of the nagging in our relationship.
::fist bump::
I wonder if our DHs write manifestos complaining about us on the Internet.

Mr. Murph keeps threatening to start a Web site for DHs called "The Shed."

Ha!

raceyrae · October 2009

Jenandtonica:

terpbrideinnc:
*checks pants for penis* Sadly, I am the the one who requires most of the nagging in our relationship.

::fist bump::

I wonder if our DHs write manifestos complaining about us on the Internet.

Oh, no worries. DH is fully aware that this is a complaint of mine right now and knows I talk to my friends about my frustration. I'm pretty positive he may express his frustration with my "nagging" to his on-line friends too.

terpbrideinnc · October 2009

I wonder if my DH would call me his dear wife "DW" on "The Shed" or come of with another acronym for me.

Jenandtonica · October 2009

As long as I would be something other than MOL (my old lady, which is what one of our friends uses to describe wifely types), I'm cool with any letters. I think. Stick out tongue

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