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3rd Trimester
ehicks
member
mini vent: my mom
ehicks
member
So I never really thought I would want to breastfeed until I actually got pregnant. And not I feel like it is something that I'd at least like to try. My sister-in-law was very successful with both of my nephews, so she really encouraged me to give it a shot. I constantly text her asking random questions and she has been so supportive.
However, for some reason, my mother is really against the idea of me breastfeeding. No idea why! She just makes these little comments about how hard it will be, there's no point because I will be going to work after 6 weeks off, and she never did it with my brother or me.
I find this really discouraging. I try to tell her, "well it's a personal decision and I just really want to at least try. If it turns out we are not meant to do it, then that's fine. But I want to try." And she just shrugs it off.
She is always making comments about my sister-in-law and how she doesn't think its good that she breastfeeds. She only nurses on weekends and at night now, my nephew is about 7 months. She went back to work and pumps and has a good supply in the freezer. But she has started to suppliment with formula for the feeding before bed time. I think this is all something that I'd want to do. It surely saves on buying all that formula! But my mom keeps saying, "oh the baby doesn't sleep well because he isn't getting enough from only breast milk. that's why he is always so cranky." And just voicing her opinion about it. I know this upsets SIL, and I try to tell her to just let it go in one ear and out the other.
Last Saturday, out of nowhere, just talking about baby stuff in general, my mom says to me, "you know, kelly doesn't breastfeed. she just never tried." Kelly is a friend who had a baby about 2 months ago. Ok mom, that's great for Kelly.... and that was honestly all she said. I was like, what was the point in saying that at all?
I just get so angry because I don't know what I am doing when it comes to this baby, but I want to at least try some things before I go ahead and say its not for me. And she is just so discouraging, and making me feel like I am being dumb for making this decision. This is my first child, and she makes it seem like what she says should go, since she is my mother, and I have no idea what I'm talking about.
I fully plan on trying to breastfeed... I have been set on it for a while now. I just wish I got more encouragement from my family. Because it can be very hard at first, and I don't want them to let me give up the minute its a little difficult.
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Re: mini vent: my mom
I get so upset when people feel the need to give their opinions on how people want to feed their kids. If you want to BF then go for it!!!!!!!! If it all works out you will save a bundle on formula and if not you have formula you can fall back on. My DH was very supportive and that helped a lot. Also my mom BF my sis and I so she was supportive too.
When I started I didn't think I would make it past 6 weeks, but then I got to 6 weeks and was like I got the hang of it. I went back to work at 8 weeks and pumped at work. I was able to BF DD until she was 8 months!!! So you can work and still BF.
GOOD LUCK
You do what you want. Forget your mom. I breast fed my younger two. I did it exclusively for months. I had enough of a supply when I went back to work. Eventually I added formula to the mix. Babies get enough breast milk. Babies wake up more when breast fed because it is already like a pre digested milk. They digest it better and faster. There are more nutrients.
I eventually went to just night feedings. And finally stopped when they self weaned. My boobs don't look nasty or saggy. I felt the bonding was better due to breast feeding. That is why our bodies were made with boobs. It was to feed our children.
My mom and I are pretty close, we talk on the phone about every other day. She is just very much the type that likes to be in control. My brother always gave in to everything she said, and I always resisted a bit, so I think she finds that a little annoying. DH gets pretty upset when she tries to interject her opinion on matters that really aren't her business. For example, she wanted to come and paint the nursery this weekend, but he will be out of town for a cross country meet. I didn't want to do it without him, and she just did not understand why she couldn't come and do it without him there. Well, because it's his house and his daughter's nursery! I want him to be apart of it!
I just always respond to her by saying, "It's not for everyone but I'd like to at least try." and for some reason she keeps on bothering me about it. Its just gotten pretty annoying.
Breastfeeding can be pretty emotional for some women, and to add the discouragement of family members can just make it worse.... I don't want to end up getting mad at her because of this.
my grandmother is that way. We're pretty close - I talk to her at least 3 times a week, but she started telling me that I won't be able to breastfeed, and I shouldn't even bother trying. Every time I talked to her, she would ask me if I'd moved my DH's beer fridge upstairs so I could have the formula ready to go at night. As if I would take DH's beer fridge away for any reason, but that's a totally different point. But she always tells me that I won't succeed. I told her to not tell me that anymore, that millions of people have breastfed with no problems and I don't see why I wouldn't be able to, but that if it doesn't work, we'll go with formula. She still would bring it up. So, a few weeks ago, I decided that if she brought it up, I'd hang up on her (nicely) and not talk to her for a week. If she brought it up again after one week, then it would be two weeks. She's working on three weeks now. I need support, and if she's going to shatter my confidence every time I talk to her, then I'm just simply not going to talk to her. And the sad thing is, she still brings it up when I talk to her, even though I've explained what I'm doing.
It's horrible that so many people don't get encouragement from our families, but I guess that's why we have the bump! GL!
twitter: @aliciamariel
Since you mention that you're close with your mom, would it be possible for the two of you to potentially attend a breastfeeding class sponsored by your hospital together? I only ask because it seems to me that her disapproval of breastfeeding stems from a lack of knowledge on the subject. Perhaps if she were to understand more about breastfeeding, she'd be a little more supportive of your decision or, at the very least, not make derrogatory comments about it to you.
I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. Breastfeeding is certainly an emotional and oftentimes difficult thing for women to do - we need all the support we can get!
You may also want to look into whether or not your hospital offers a support group for breastfeeding mothers once the baby is born. Mine has a group that meets on a monthly basis for support and to get answers to questions from real moms going the same things together. During the rest of the month, the lactation center at the hospital is willing to meet with you (even without an appointment) for one-on-one help and support.
*HUGS*
I think when it comes to our parents, as frustrating as it might be to hear it, we have to remember that breastfeeding when we were born was something that wasn't typically done (only something like 20% of North American women were breastfeeding into the 70s).
They were told how hard it was, that formula was better for the baby, that you never knew if your baby was getting enough food if you breastfed so it was better to bottle feed - and all of this was coming from doctors! In fact, most women weren't even given a choice once the baby was born. It would be wheeled into the nursery and brought back to the mom with a bottle when it was time to feed.
I think it's their lack of education on the matter that makes them say these discouraging things, not that they really want to discourage us, because in their minds breastfeeding IS hard, and it DID tie you down and it WASN'T as good for the baby - but only because no one's told them any different!
I had a talk with my mom about breastfeeding, and the number of misconceptions she had about it were insane! Now that she has a better understanding of it she's a lot more supportive and is even interested...and finding out what little she even knew about breastfeeding because of the era I was born in and what mothers were being told then really put things into perspective for me.
I have a friend whose MIL was this way to her...in her situation I think her MIL felt "bad" that she didn't even try breastfeeding her children and she didn't want to be the "only one" that didn't BF so she tried to convince her DIL that it would be difficult and that it would be easier to use formula since she was going back to work. I don't think you're a bad mom if you don't BF - however it is your decision and there are a lot of benefits to giving your child breastmilk versus formula if you are able to...plus it's a whole lot cheaper
My point is - maybe your mom feels like now that you know the pros and cons of BF and FF, she feels like you might judge her for what decisions she made...obviously I'm sure you don't care - you did grow up and are most likely healthy - but she might think you do.
I'd already be mad over this. It's none of her business, you're repeatedly giving her a reasonable answer, and she keeps picking at you over it.
I'd start being firmer. "Mom, you know how I feel about this; I've told you before. It's not open for discussion." Not open for discussion. Not open for discussion. End conversation if necessary.
Seriously, she has no business thinking her opinion matters in this at ALL. Your poor SIL -- I think that would be even harder to deal with if it was a MIL instead of a mom.
BFing can be really, really HARD. Support can be crucial, especially in the first few weeks when you're still full of hormones, really emotional, physically recovering and maybe dealing with painful BFing. It took six weeks for things to really feel comfortable for me, and I went on to BF for 15 months and truly enjoyed it.
It's a great source of antibodies for your baby, it helps you lose the baby weight, it's convenient and means you don't have to pack up formula-related stuff or worry about keeping things warm when you go out. If you want to do it, more power to you! -- surround yourself with people who will support that decision and can help you through the tough times, or at least keep quiet if they disagree.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
Sorry your mom is being so unsupportive!! That's one of the reasons why so many women give up bf... b/c they don't have the support around them!!
It might be time to have a TALK with your mom. Sit her down and tell her that this is a choice that you and DH are making about YOUR baby. You've heard her opinion, taken it into consideration, but the subject is not open for discussion anymore, and you don't want to hear anything further. Offering advice as a BTDT is one thing, but she's crossing the line of advice and starting to almost harrass you into doing what she thinks you ought to.
It might stem from a sense of insecurity on her part... there's NO denying these days, knowing what we know, that bf is nutritionally superior to formula and has definite health advantages, and she might be feeling guilty that she didn't do so with you and your brother. She might just be uncomfortable with the idea since she never did it herself. She may be feeling like she'll feel left out, not being able to give baby a bottle... whatever the case may be, the bottom line is that they're HER issues, not yours, and she needs to stop projecting them onto you.
Like a pp said... maybe she just still doesn't know! There've been PLENTY of things that my mom has told me that I end up saying, "ACTUALLY, now they say this... and this is why -" and at the end of the day, she knows I've done my homework and knows that I'm just trying to do what's best for my baby and my family. If she's tech-savvy, maybe you could direct her to some pro-bf websites that talk about the advantages for baby AND mom from bfing. If not, see if you can compile some info, or get a book and put some sticky notes in appropriate places. Seeing the info in black and white might help...
I'd ask for her to follow similar advice as she probably gave you as a kid. "If you can't say something supportive, don't say anything at all."
That totally sucks...whats her deal!? Let you live your life...at least try. I didnt BF with DD#1 because I had to be back at work 2 weeks later. My mother and gma were the opposite..."you should at least try"...blah blah.
But this time with DD#2...i am going to try, now that i am a SAHM.
Make your own decisions, and i hope at least your DH can support you since some of your family cant.
Good luck!
Thanks for all of the encouragement! It really helps a lot. DH is super supportive and I am so happy that I have him in my corner, because he will be the one actually there when I am going through it!
If she continues I'm going to suggest talking to her and hearing exactly why she thinks its bad... other than "its hard" or "its time consuming." because those are pretty bogus answers. I'm sure she just thinks that because she didn't do it, her friends didn't, then we don't have to/need to.
Thanks again
Seriously, if she brings up 'time consuming' tell her 'That's okay! I'll have PLENTY of time that I'll have saved from not having to sterilize and wash and prepare bottles!"
I agree that those are bogus answers... it's hard... AT FIRST. After you get over that hump of a few weeks, it's REALLY easy for most people!! And, my goodness... there are going to be other 'hard' things about parenting anyway. Should you just throw in the towel before even giving it a shot? Why discipline my kid and be consistent and hold my ground? It's hard.