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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Resentments
Phantomgirl
member
"I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe: I told it not, my wrath did grow." - William Blake
I resent the fact that Fi has a child with another woman and that he will always be tied to her. I resent that no matter what path we choose in life we must consider the impact on her. I resent that every week there is something. I resent that I did not get to choose when to have children in my life. I know that SS deserves to be loved and validated 100% and that if I choose to marry his father I better be able to give that to him, but this sometimes cause me to resent being 'forced' to love/want a child that is not mine.
But I also know right from wrong and I know what is right for my SS. I know that when I view my SS as an individual and a child I love him for who he is. I am also aware that my feelings towards BM probably stem for my insecurities because they have become A LOT less as my relationship with FI has grown stronger.
The post that Karma c&p'd got me thinking about resentments. I envy any of you who can honestly say you don't resent anything about your BF.
I know my SS is my FI's son, I know he is the innocent in all of this and I know he deserves only the best. I try my best to put him first in every decision and do things for him. I am working with a counselor to get to a better place in my life. My SS has forced me to look at myself in a way that nothing else could have. He has thought me to be selfless and to grow up and for that I am grateful. When I am feeling resentful I have to remove myself from the situation and concentrate on those things. I hope someday I can get to a point where I do not feel any resentment about the situation BUT I have my doubts that in a BF that can ever be attained.
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Re: Resentments
heard. I can relate, sometimes I feel resentful and for some of the same reasons you outlined and like you, notice that my own insecurities have lessened as my relationship with DH grew closer. Definitely have some shame with even having them-trying to control feelings is a useless effort though and remind myself that the only control I have is how I choose to deal-e.g. beebee is as beebee does.
As some one with no children and who will unlikely (by choice) be a mom, having SD in my life has been a blessing, challenges me to be a better Shel77 and a role model for her. In return, I get to wrap gifts at midnight on Christmas Eve, read Shel Silverstein books, watch Scooby Doo on TV again, and answer terrifying questions about where babies/people come from (ask your mother!), why do I have to eat "real food"? (because I'm your evil stepmother-this always makes her giggle), and experience the love of a child.
Just when I think I've finally grown up, there might be a phone call for cash, a last minute visitation change, a favor that needs doing, another bill paid entirely by DH, and I feel 17 again, hurt, resentful, a bit jealous and I don't know that it won't always be there in some form-have my doubts too about attaining a "resentment-free" BF and don't know that its necessary as long as we can keep it in perspective, take care of ourselves, and commit to being good stepparents. Think that those feelings of resentment and gratitude often co-exist in all families. My "all bio-family" friends and patients have discussed these just as shamefully as I think we discuss our BF resentments.
So that was my small novel on the subject but hear you, can relate, and love reading your posts about you and SS, especially the soccer match-think that you really do try to keep it in perspective and "own your own crap"-how you feel at any given moment isn't really indicative about how you're doing at it.
I think anyone who RESENTS their signifigant other's child from a previous relationship needs to work those out before getting any deeper into the relationship.
You usually know from the get-go that they have a child. You should assume that child comes first. If the child is not at the forefront of their life, you should re-think it anyway because would you really want to have a family with someone who isnt giving their all to their child they already have??? I know I wouldnt!!!
I agree that this would be the ideal, unfortunately I could not foretell or foresee how I would feel in a situation I had never been in before. If I could redo it you bet ya I would work on myself before I jumped in, so yea in an ideal world that would happen.
Sometimes it takes something like this to make you see your weaknesses/insecurities. Before SS they had never really been tested I guess. BUT I am working on them and I do put my SSs needs first. I bet there are SMs who are more confident in themselves but a lot less loving than I am.
Maybe this is insensitive but the part that I bolded struck a nerve with me. You DID choose when to have children in your life when you got involved with a man who has a child. No one is "forcing" you (as you put it) to be involved. How can you resent that he has a child with another woman when it was that way when you got together? You can't just all of a sudden decide to want your FI all to yourself. I think it is great that you are in counseling because I think you have a very selfish view right now.
I agree with the previous poster who said that if you have this many issues, you need to work them out before getting into this relationship deeper. It doesn't just stop when you get married.
I think it may be OK to resent the fact that you have to think of another woman when making decisions, but it is not Ok to resent the child.
I resent one thing only...I resent that fact that bm takes for granted every single thing we do for ss. I love him, and don't resent doing things, don't resent the child support, or the vacations, or the clothes, or the insurance/medical, etc. He needs those things and I am happy to help provide them along with a stable environment. But I think she should consider herself very lucky that someone who is not his bio father has taken the full parenting responsiblity that he has and that I as his wife don't resent it. Because if the roles were reversed, and she and dh were taking care of my child who he did not father, it would have ended many yeears ago.
It's easy to spout this off but the fact is, we are human and have real human feelings. Dont feel bad about your feelings because they are normal and valid. The important thing is what you said that some people choose not to read. That eventhough you sometimes have these feelings, you know right from wrong and what you SHOULD do in the best interest of your SS and that's what counts.
And you can meet ALL your childrens needs (step & bio) and still put your marriage first. It's a myth that if you marry a man with kids, you're to sit on the sidelines. We have made it clear to ALL our kids that our marriage is first priority. They all know we love them and all their needs are met but in the end, we have to protect the very relationship that brings them security.
Do we sometimes have to put our stuff to the side to deal with blended family issues---yes, it's life but to say, "if you marry a man with kids, you're last on the list so deal with it cause the kids run the show" is crazy.
I will say that when you have your own kids it helps with those feelings. You get a better understanding of what it means to be a parent and the bond that a child has with a parent. I was where you were at one time, but when I had my girls, I had an aha moment and it has helped my relationship with my SK's. I still get twinges on resentment when I can't travel with my girls to see my parents cause I have to get the SK's from school or they have something going on that I have to get them to cause their parents are working. I dont feel bad about it at all cause I'M HUMAN! And I never let the kids see my frustration when I have those moments. That doesn't mean I don't love them or have any ill will towards them.
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. And if you get flamed, just ignore it and know that EVERYONE has had their "moments" at one time or another and that's ok.
I should add that I do think it is healthy and normal to have resentments. I certainly resent BM for a number of reasons. The only part that really bugged me was that you made it sound like you did not have a choice of when to have kids when in fact you did.
I think it is great that you can admit your resentments and seek help for the ones that really irk you. I also think it is great that you treat your SS so well.
I kinda get what she means by not being able to choose when to have kids. When I met DH it was love at first sight for both of us. Maybe because of my Christianity, I believe DH was designed and made just for me. We were meant to be together so eventhough my desire was to marry a man with no children, God had other plans and it wasn't an option to put my feelings to the side and move on. If I wanted to have this awesome marriage with this awesome man and us come together to do what God called us to do as a couple, I had to deal with my feelings toward being a step mother & dealing with BM.
When you fall in love, it's not so easy to just say oh you have kids-I'm outta here. And dating a man with kids is ALOT different than being married to one. You have no idea what's in store!!!!LOL
While we have a similar belief system, I do not believe that there is just one person designed specifically for me. I do believe that DH was but I also think there are other people in this world that I could find the same compatibility with and love, but I chose him.
I guess this is one of those points where we agree to disagree
Actually we agree. I didn't say he was the ONLY one. I said he was designed for me. That's not to mean that there weren't others out there that were as well. I didn't want to take the chance of having to wait another 1,5 10 years to find another. I wanted HIM!
i understand completely...my DH has a biological son, that he was told in his divorce that he had no rights to and for 6 years he has lived with that...now three days ago we get a call from the grandmother of the biological son saying that the mother has given custody of the boy up to her most recent exhusband who is abusive to the little boy. Now we are having to go thru custody issues, and have found out that the rights were never completely severed and that Dh was supposed to be paying child support (which he hasnt been paying b/c he wasnt made aware of ) and we potentially may have to pay her 60,000 in back support and we are trying to get his son out of an abusive situation....I resent that all of this happened in the middle of our first pregnancy together and now Dh is taking money we don t have to fly out of sate to take care of this! Its not that I dont want to get custody f his son...its just that this is our time to enjoy the pregnancy and stuff and now this has taken away from that becusae he is so excited to get to have a relationship with the son he has never seen!
(just to be clear, the reason he didnt know what the final divorce decree stated until now was b/c he was just getting out of the military when it was filed and he didnt have to sign off on any paper work nor did he recieve copies of the paperwork...it was a little weird that the BM was able to get the divorce this way but it happened. When we finally got a copy of the divorce decree last week there was no signatures on it and the address stated on it to send copies to wasnt even Dh's address at the time)
I get the idea of resentment, but for other reasons. I resent that I am expected to love this child no matter how he acts, even though I did not raise him.
Even knowing that 75% of his behavioral issues are caused by his mother (which should make me more understanding), it bothers me to no end that I have to deal with the "monster" that she created and then could not control.
More importantly, that I must care for this child, but not have control about how I DO it.
Hindsight being 20/20 and all that. I may not have taken on this path. Because I THOUGHT I was going into this with my eyes open and with a plan in place. DH and I dealt with this in our pre-cana classes and our pre-marital classes. We HAD a list of rules and consequences set.
And none of that mattered.
I know I am sounding defeatest, but I just cannot drum up enough emotion to care about the boy or DH right now.
And yes, I am seeing someong. I would not look at separation without being sure that I really want this before I even broached it with DH.
I know that feeling!
I know what you are saying - and I think that anyone who gets in a relationship with someone who already has children tends to feel this way from time to time. I think it's natural. When I met Sean, he told me right off the bat that he has a daughter and that he is in her life as much as he can be.
It took me several months to realize how lucky I am to be in her life. She is a great little girl, and I'm happy that i get the chance to be a stepmom. We have a ton of fun together.
Still, when I see BM, the first thought in my head is always "he had sex with her..." and that may be weird, but it's how my brain works. Ideally I'd never have to see any of Sean's exes, but that's just not the way it's gonna happen. I have to find a way to make things work... for the sake of all of us.
I think you're smart to recognize the resentment - that way you can work on removing yourself from it. Ultimately, it'll make for a happier home for your SS.
I don't think that harboring resentments is healthy at all, hence I am working through mine. I can clearly see why you think i did choose BUT the fact is I fell in love with a man and that man has a child.
Also I am not walking around resenting this every day, I actually have a pretty great relationship with my SS. I guess the point I really was trying to make was having a resentment does not make you a bad person, it makes you human. How you handle that resentment is what dictates what kind of human you are. I have ALWAYS put my SS needs before my own BUT it has caused me some pain to do so.
Phantom, I think everything you wrote in that post is normal! I have experienced all of those emotions, and they are hard ones to deal with. From your other posts it sounds like you are doing a great job with SS and with dealing with the BM.
Maybe since your wedding is coming up, those feelings are coming out in full force. GL with your counselor.
Ilumine, in your situation I would be much more resntfule of my dh than ss! We had a brief period of dh letting ss do what he wanted, and it was dh's fault the kid was pushing his luck. He allowed it.
Kids are going to try to get away with as much as possible. It took me a LONG time to realize it is the adult who should be controlling that situation. And some days, because I waited longer than I should have to assert myself with my own 4 yo dd, I don't care for her much either! I love her always, but I don't really like her at times.
I have to say in my case, this was not true. When I had my DD I was filled with an unexplainable amount of love for her and my FI. & as F*cked up as it is all I can think and wonder about is if he felt those same emotions for BM when SS was born. I've had a much harder time dealing with resentment since DD was born. That is my experience though & everyone may feel differently.
I think it's okay and even expected to have some measure of resentment. I'm not even sure what you are describing is true resentment anyway. True resentment eats at you like a sickness. It's difficult to push away or tamp down and it influences practically all your decisions.
I think what you have it more like regret and a twings of sadness. I do not resent my daughter or my son but I do have some regret and a bit of sadness that I chose such dumbass men to have children with. Those feelings do not make me love my children any less, the absense of those feelings couldn't make me love them any longer. Having those feelings doesn't influence my decisions in the least and it certainly isn't eating at me. They come occasionally at certain moments but they are easy to push away by considering how adorable my kids are, how much I love them and how these decisions led to meeting my amazing husband. As such, I don't consider this true resentment.
Do you have a hard time with it?
Click me, click me!
I like your post. It?s what most of us want to say but are afraid to say.
The thoughts and feelings you express are normal. I think the frustrations you wrote about are normal human reactions.
The WAY YOU REACT proves you love both your FI and SS.
I think most of us would be lying if we said there is NEVER a moment in our blended families where we don?t get mad, feel taken advantage of, feel cheated because ?it?s just not fair?, etc. It?s the way we react in these situations that shows our love, dedication and character.
Kudos to you for being honest with yourself, your place in life and us.
I totally got what you were saying!
First of all, I LOVE your horse picture. It is beautiful. And secondly, it sounds like we have more than horses in common. My husband hasnt been with his ex for 6 years and now we are married too. I want to think their mind doesnt go on that path. Have you ever been with someone years ago and even if it wasnt sex wondered "how was i ever with them?" kind of thing? I think if the men are truly over their ex and love us then they have those same types of feelings. Especially if the ex is horrible and has caused them alot of stress when it comes to dealing with the situation. I dont think they can even think of the ex as attractive after all of that and probably do wonder to themselves how they were ever involved.
Thats just my thoughts and I'm hoping i'm right
I completely understand what you're saying and i'm sure you feel alot better just getting it off your chest. Sometimes it feels like we as SM's have soo much pressure on us to just accept everything and never feel any negative feelings because we went into it knowing a child was involved. Yes that is true but we could never know fully how the situation would be until we were neck high in it. The only advice i have to offer is to stay strong, loving, and positive. As long as the good outweighs the bad then i think it is worth it.
I love my step-son to death and i would do anything for him but that doesnt mean its not a hard situation. We as SM's have alot to deal with and the majority of it goes un-appreciated by the BM's and other people in general. However, once we're on this path and have found love in our Fi's or DH's and especially our S-kids. There's no turning back. There are hard times and great times as i'm sure you know!
I wish you the best of luck with everything and just know that its only normal to have these feelings but i love what you said in one of the other posts! You said you were sure there were other SM's that are more secure but less loving than you are and you are most certainly right in that! Not all SM's or "other women" as some like to call us are as open and loving to the kids. Some will go into it knowing theres a child involved but not even care about that child. I dont know how they can do it but it happens...so kudos to you for being such a great and caring person in general!
As far as wondering why I was ever with a "past person", oh yes, definitely. My ex-husband is one of them, but I've put a lot of thought into it (I have a long commute to work, my thinking time) and everything happens for a reason.
DH told me one time that an ex-coworker had asked him if he still had feelings for BM. He said "No, I just hate her." Ex-coworker said "Well, that is a feeling.." DH is a deep thinker, and thought long and hard about it and shut off the hate. He says she means nothing, he doesn't care one way or the other about her. She is just the person who pulls stupid shiit once in awhile and picks up and drops off his son. So I think you're absolutely right. I know my exH put me through hell and back and I have nothing in me for him. My emotions regarding him are absolutely neutral.
I think I went off topic? To bring it back on topic, somedays I do get resentful when I have to change my schedule at the last minute because SS's grandparents want to pick him up that day. I work 6 days a week, do NOT mess with my holy day off! I don't think it's too much to ask for some advance notice? All events they pick him up for are not last minute, they've known they were going to happen for WEEKS. Sometimes it's an annual event. It's no surprise folks! -End rant-
I actually agree with this 110%.
I completely get that! After someone does so much to you, i dont think there can be any attraction left no matter how much love was there in the past. I've finally come to realize this and am no longer so concerned with DH's past with BM. Thats exactly what it is. The past. And like you say, all of our past experiences, choices, problems etc. make us who we all are today. DH has grown so much and we've grown alot as a couple as a result of all of this and dealing with things together so all i can be is thankful.
I also completely get the frustrations of plans changing last minute. And having to go out of your way to work around other people. Guess its not one of the perks of it all! Its very easy to get dis-couraged and resentful. I can relate to alot of people's responses on here. I'm just glad that i'm not in it alone and we're all human. No one is perfect and has such positive happy feelings 100% of the time. I didnt get to read all of the posts on here but thanks for sharing.
Just a lurker here...
Just wanted to say that I understand a lot of what you're feeling and it's really nice to hear that someone goes through a lot of the same emotions. It's hard not to feel guilty about it, and sometimes the guilt itself can spark a new strain of resentment for me. (Like, why should I feel guilty for having these normal feelings? ...it's a slippery slope.) I truly believe that our feelings are normal and healthy, and that the fact that we choose to treat our step children lovingly and want the best for them and value who they are is what matters.
and SARAN! Thank you so much for continually being the voice of reason about relational priorities on this board! Everytime you post about this topic I just think "thank you thank you!" I completely agree that putting children BEFORE your marriage (bio or step) is unhealthy for you AND the kids. And I think so often that people just react in horror to statements like that---as if it means your children aren't a priority, their needs and wants aren't being addressed, etc. In my experience, prioritizing the marriage in a family actually addresses many of their needs for security and love, and isn't about children being neglected or even pushed aside at all. Just wanted to say that I appreciate your point of view on this subject.
I can relate to this as well, and I've set an appointment with a new counselor to try and work through ALL of the issues that we're dealing with.
And I agree that yes, we choose a relationship with a man that has kids, but we never know how it will play out...as with anything in life. In fact, I came across a statistic today that said 75% of career women who marry men with kids say they would not have done it if they could go back. Interesting to me. Maybe as Saran says, having bio kids one day can help with this.
This!
I don't have resentment for SS, but DH and I before we got married went through a period of NO adult weekends because of the arrangement. I work every other weekend and I told him that he had to go to BM and request a change of weekends. For everyones sake it worked out and she changed. Now we have an adult weekend and a family morning time and father/son time in the evening the other weekend.
BM could also be a bit more grateful that she has a BF that loves and cares for his kid all the while paying CO CS without questions and then going above and beyond for him and also be grateful that I care about her DS and love him and would do whatever he needs - even if it means buying his proper clothes when his mom sends him to us in the winter w/o a jacket and shorts and a t-shirt - which would make us look bad if we sent him to school that way.
I know SS is grateful having me in his life because his ex-SD was bad to him. I don't ever want kids so I am happy that DH has one already. Makes me feel less guilty about not wanting kids....
Wow! Someone is pissed... I think this should be a happy place and one goes to blog about issues with life and family... but resent is an angry word, one that should not be used when talking about children.
I think the child resents their dad for hooking up with a woman who didn't think hard enough about how it would be having a relationship with a man whom has a child.
Someone needs to grow up quick.