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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Would this tick you off? (sorta long)
When DH and I had been dating about a year we decided to move in together. My mom was cool with it, but my dad threw a HUGE fit about how disappointing it was, and how he spent so much money on Catholic schools and trying to teach me values and blah blah blah....even went so far to say that he didn't know if he could walk me down the aisle if we got married because he wouldn't technically be "giving me away" in the "proper" way and he wouldn't be able to look at me with the same respect. He even started an argument with DH's dad about it the first time they met, almost got in a damn fist fight over it. I was traumatized by some of the things he said but defended my position that it was right for DH and me and did it anyway. He refused to set foot in our place as a way of making a statement but never talked about it. It eventually just blew over and was never mentioned again, wedding was fine, etc.
Fast forward to today, when my brother (2 yrs younger), announces that his gf of 10 months will be moving in with him into his house. Please note: my dad spent the same amount of $ on my brother's "values" as well....but of course my brother doesn't get the same guilt trip, threats, or emotional stress...in fact, my dad says NOTHING to him.
I'm not trying to be a baby, and it's not that I want my brother to have to deal with the stress, but I just don't think it's fair. And I don't give a CRAP that I'm a girl and my brother's a guy....if we're talking about morals and values it shouldn't matter. So I'm debating saying something to my dad, but I don't know if it's worth it to stir the pot when we've both moved on from it. Thoughts?
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This discussion has been closed.
Re: Would this tick you off? (sorta long)
It's because he's a boy.
It sucks. (hug)
Same thing to a lessor degree happened with my family...my brother was the one who everyone made a fuss about...then me...not a peep. I think it has to do with your dad getting over his issues...not really being easier on one than the other...at at least that's how I felt it was with my situation. I would let it go...why start something?
Let me start by saying that my parents were somewhat disappointed that DH and I lived together before marriage as well. They were consoled by the fact that we were at least engaged, but still, I can relate to your father's thoughts ( -not the actions though.) So, I am not judging at all.
Anyway, my first thought on this is, that if he is religious/old fashioned enough to be THAT upset about you living w/ DH before marriage, then I am not surprised in the least that he would also be MORE upset about it w/ his DD as opposed to his DS. Ex: he mentioned walking you down the aisle. Hedoes not have that issue w/ your brother.
Again, not saying I agree or disagree, but I can see how it makes sense from his POV. I don't think I would bring it up, but that is just me.
eta: I also think w/ you that it was his first time dealing w/ it, so it was harder then.
Maybe it's just because your brother is younger and your dad has become softer. My little sister is 15 and she gets away with so much stuff that my parents would have freaked out about when I was 15.
Regardless of the reason, I would try to let it go. No use in bringing up old issues if everyone is over it now.
Thanks ladies. I know it wouldn't accomplish or change anything by bringing it up...I just have to control my temper because it makes me so mad!
Ok, I'm gonna try to be mature and move on.
Well, clearly your dad doesnt believe that men need the same "values" as women. Not only is it ok for your brother's GF to move in with him, but it's also ok for your dad to get into a fist fight someone who had nothing to do with what he was upset about.
Your dad has issues. Say nothing. His actions are clear.
True story...
Hopefully your dad is holding his tongue because he realized he needlessly hurt his relationship with you by being so critical of your decision.
Maybe he doesn't think your brother would care if he said anything or not.
It would have, but he did the same to my siblings. I did get it the worst though because I am the oldest so I was the guinea pig. And I had DD#1 at the age of 18...I was 6 months pg at the senior prom for my Catholic private school. Oops. Ex(DD#1's father) and I waited to move in together until we were married. Big mistake. HUGE. Had I known the extent of what a mama's boy that guy was, oy. We never would have married. We split by our first anniversary and filed divorce papers by our second. Good times.
When DH and I got together, I moved in with him right away. Neither of my parents were thrilled, but I was a grown up. We planned our wedding to happen in our church (mine and DH's, not the one ex and I married in), but it didn't happen because the annulment took way longer than expected due to ex being a pita. We married at our reception site and we did have our marriage blessed 2 years later. My siblings and I joke that I'm considered the "good one", lol. Not seriously, but I fit my parents religious standards now (just want to note we did the blessing for us, not my parents). My sister moved in with her now-DH before they married as did my brother with his now-wife. Our parents just sighed with disappointed. Sister married in a non-denominational church, brother married in a Luthern church. They both get the religious literature that our dad picks up at the church once in a while, but that's about the extent of it. I make sure they know I broke mom and dad in for them...baby out of wedlock and a divorce by 24? I paved the way, they had it easy!
I think my parents just started to accept that we're not all going to church as one giant family just because they sent us to Catholic school. We have to do what works for us and our spouse.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
It's not just a boy-girl thing. It's that you did it first and made it easier for him.
But mostly, you're a girl.