Sister-in-law is feeling left out during our pregnancy

MrsC_007 · October 2009

I'm not sure where to place this question, but here it goes.

So over the holiday weekend, my DH and I went to visit his parents. We were talking one night and learned from his mother that his sister is "feeling left out" during our pregnancy. We were shocked by this statement because since she found out that we were pregnant, she hasn't emailed or talked to us much. According to my mother-in-law, SIL is also hurt that the baby shower is being planned without anyone asking her about it first.

Regarding to the baby shower, we told SIL we were pregnant in late June before we told friends and extended family. We thought that she would have offered to do something but by August she hadn't talked to me or DH about anything baby related. In late August, I had a cousin ask if she could throw a baby shower or if my SIL will be doing it. I told her that SIL didn't show any interest in doing it and she should feel free to throw something for me if she wants. Personally I'm happy someone is interested in throwing a shower for me and I really don't care who it is. I wasn't going to ask SIL to throw one for me because I feel it's not my place to ask anyone to throw a shower for me. (side note: I don't have any siblings and DH has just his sister).

MIL says that we should try and include SIL in more pregnancy related things, but I'm at a loss of how to do that. I'm currently starting my 3rd trimester. How do you include someone who doesn't talk to you or show interest in the pregnancy? Should I have asked SIL to throw a baby shower for me? Thoughts? Opinions? Many thanks to everyone who replies.

Some side notes:

SIL is newly married and is the older sister. The psychologist in me believes that she may be feeling out of birth order. We were married just when she started dating her now husband and now We are pregnant just a few months after SIL's own wedding. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to start trying until next year.

DH is going to offer an "olive branch" via email to see if what MIL is saying is true and to see how she wants to be included. MIL and SIL have a very close relationship where they talk daily and MIL isn't one to lie about something like that.

babypuplove · October 2009

Is SIL a teenager? She must be, because I don't understand why a grown woman would feel left out during her SIL's pregnancy. That's very odd to me. If she wanted to be included so badly, then she would have called or emailed you after you told her the big news. And how are you supposed to include her in pregnancy related things? Did you hang out a lot together before the pregnancy? And no, of course you shouldn't have asked her to throw you a shower. That's a big no-no (and it sounds like you know that).

zeptattoo · October 2009

Honestly, it sounds like she is throwing heraelf a pity party.

vtkgirl77 · October 2009

From what you have described, it seems that her issues are mainly about something within herself and have nothing to do with what you and DH have or have not done. I think it's nice that DH is extending the olive branch and trying to figure out what is happening. I think it would be good if he asked her specifically what things you two can do to make her feel more included. That puts the onus on her to define what it is she needs and then gives you specific ways you can get her more involved. My guess though is that whatever the problem is, it's not something you or DH can fix. So, I say to do what you can to maintain and strengthen the relationship but put your primary focus on continuing with a healthy pregnancy and preparing for the baby.

garden123 · October 2009

vtkendra:
From what you have described, it seems that her issues are mainly about something within herself and have nothing to do with what you and DH have or have not done. I think it's nice that DH is extending the olive branch and trying to figure out what is happening. I think it would be good if he asked her specifically what things you two can do to make her feel more included. That puts the onus on her to define what it is she needs and then gives you specific ways you can get her more involved. My guess though is that whatever the problem is, it's not something you or DH can fix. So, I say to do what you can to maintain and strengthen the relationship but put your primary focus on continuing with a healthy pregnancy and preparing for the baby.

This. Although, I'd probably just invite her along to register, while giving her an out of "no biggie if you aren't interested or are busy". It may not be necessarily that she feels left out per se (that may be your MILs assessment) but that she's going through the emotions of her brother starting his own family separate from theirs, if that makes any sense. Either way, I wouldn't worry too much since I agree that it would be pretty selfish/childish of her to make it known publicly that she feels left out (and keep in mind that she may have confided in your MIL and not meant for her to tell you). In the end, there is only so much 'involvement' other people can have in your pregnancy unless you take them to drs. appointments etc.

smacb · October 2009

She needs to grow up. I wouldn't lose any sleep over her.

BridetobeEm · October 2009

This is one of the strangest things I've read on this board. Your SIL feels left out of your pregnancy!?! How does one even "include" someone in their pregnancy. You NEVER ask someone to throw you a shower, so if she wanted to host one, then she should have approached you. If she hasn't shown any interest, then I wouldn't go out of my way to include her. I suppose you could ask her if she wants to help you pick out some baby items or see if she has nursery decor ideas or something like that. I would not have your husband extend an olive branch b/c I just don't think there's any need to. Your SIL is acting like a child.

Sofka · October 2009

I don't really understand how someone can feel "left out" of a pregnancy! I have no idea how you can even include someone, a pregnancy is a very private thing, what does she want? to share the womb with the baby??

Does she live physically close? Does she want to hang out more?

I used to email photos of myself pregnant every so often to a few close friends/family, so those who didn't see me very often could see how I'm growing. Perhaps you can send her photos like that and then she if she responds and says something.

and no, you never ask anyone to throw you a shower!

I don't think you can/need to do anything at all! Her issues are not really your concern!

Want a personalized experience?

Sister-in-law is feeling left out during our pregnancy

Re: Sister-in-law is feeling left out during our pregnancy

Choose Another Board

Search Boards