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Pennsylvania Babies
RaeAnt
member
DH won't listen-IL vent
RaeAnt
member
How do I make him understand?! From the get go, I've have been adament that I don't want other people around when we have the baby and for a few weeks afterwards until we have some sort of routine. Dh is to be the only one at the hospital..he can't understand why I don't want people to be even in the waiting room. Well, gee....if they are in the waiting room, they will want to come into MY room after the birth. Nope, not happening.
With this being our first and me being clueless, I want my mom around for a couple of weeks to help since we're in another state and we are felt that Dh working partial days as oppose to completely taking off made more sense since if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid right now. With my being here, she wouldn't help with cleaning, cooking, watching the baby, helping me if I need it while Dh works and also when he comes home, it'll give him a chance to take a nap before helping as well. Here comes the IL part.
He wants his parents and his sisters....all three teenagers to come down during this time. I'm due 12/24. He sent them airfare info for 12/25. Doesn't understand why i don't want them here. Saying it isn't really fair if my mom is going to be here. Um.. she'll be helping in everyway, they will be getting in the way, wanting to pass the baby around like an appetizer, need to be shuttled or entertained...when the he!! would we get anything done and have a schedule or keep LO from getting sick...one sister has MRSA and one is always sick. i just told him they are not to be here when he isn't and i will only allow 2 hours max at a time including dinner. he is going to burn himself out. getting sick, leaving me to care for him and the baby. he claims that they can help. HOW? When that is 5 extra people that I don't want here in the first place. i won't feel comfortable sleep... nor would I be able to if they are in the house. Are they going to cook, clean, and all that stuff while we recover? I've been stressing about this for months. Origanally thinking it wouldn't happen because they couldn't afford to, but we while up for our baby shower, they gave us a card with note saying that as soon as his Dad gets this one reimbursement, they are buying the tickets. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
My Mom is furious that he isn't respecting my wishes. And the fact that his parents wouldn't think about asking before coming down. I told her I was never asked. And of course saying things makes me a b!tch, which normally I'm ok with, but I shouldn't be labeled that for this. To me, this is common sense. I've talked to I'm blue in the face about it and he just kinda ignores me on it. My mom said we'll just hop in the car and leave. I said the IL can stay here, I'LL stay in the hotel.
I'm so tired of stressing about this. Without coming straight out and saying "I don't want you here" to my in-laws, i don't know what else to do. Dh just continues to facilitate it. And the longer he keep it up, the worse it'll get until i totally go off on him and follow through on my threat when they are here. I even tried to get my Mom to talk to him, but she said she didn't think he'd appreciate it. I don't care whether he appreciates it or not.Someone or something needs ot get through to him becusae obviously I'm not.
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Re: DH won't listen-IL vent
I know exactly where you are coming from. I was in your shoes when my first daughter was born. I had the pleasure (note sarcasm) of entertaining my ILs at my home for 3 days after coming home from the hospital. Literally, I was home from the hospital less than an hour until they walked through the door (MIL, FIL, SIL, and nephew who was about 5 at the time...ADD and autistic all rolled into one). Yep, and the second day home from the hospital was my 1st wedding anniversary. Yep, they were there that entire day and never said a damn word about it. Just ate all my food and sat around...never offered to help me do a thing.
One difference between you and I is that I have never been able to address this with DH. I honestly don't think I could be polite or tactful when it comes to discussing his family...and since I love him, I've opted for the "if I don't have anything nice to say, I won't say anything at all" attitude. It would probably destroy our entire relationship if he knew how I really felt about them...so best left alone.
That's not the point though. As women we turn to our mothers, and that's what we're comfortable with. You don't need a ton of people in your space when you first come home with a baby. If you're like me you'll have no idea what to do with the baby and extra people being there will just make you more nervous. Is there any way you could talk to the ILs yourself? I'm afraid your DH is in for a rude awakening because he doesn't realize how life altering a new baby is....good luck to you. I hope things work out the way you want them to. Keep us updated. I'll be thinking of you.
Yup, completely clueless about babies. never even ever baby sat. And people watching me do something while I'm trying to learn makes me nervous or mad....depending on the comments or attempts to intervene or help.
My mom has baby sat since she was barely in her teens even moving for the summer to other states to help various sisters or brothers out. i also know she will do cleaning and cooking or whatever i need, most of the time without having to ask.
My MIL, well, I don't exactly agree with how she raised her kids... really not at all. She still baby sits, she did it for a living for awhile, but i don't agree with a lot of the stuff there either. i just feel they will all be in the way and certainly won't be helping.. I'd feel like I'd have to watch over them anyway, so why not just do it myself? Dh claims that they will probably try sightseeing and his Dad may check into jobs......yeah, the rumor is they plan on moving down here once LO is born....yippee
I know it sounds like i don't like my ILs. I can't say I don't like them, I just don't like a lot of things about them. Maybe I am snobby. Who knows. i just see how they treat Dh compared to his sisters, how many times they've let him down and everything they've promised they never followed through on, every time they got Dh's hopes up only to knock them down again and yet he stands up for them. It just really curdles my milk that he's trying to force them on me during this special, hectic, tiring, extraordinary time of our lives. If i had a handle on babies, i wouldn't even request my mom to be here. I'd rather it was just Dh and me, but I know I'll be completely overwhelmed and know my mom will take much of it off my shoulders while she is here.
Now, it tenatively looks like Dh may agree to limited time his parents and sisters are allowed to be at the house. Lets hope it doesn't blow up in my face.
We had a similar argument. It finally came down to nobody for the first week. My mom does live nearby and would stop in for small visits, but that was it. His parents came a week later. I said finally that the argument had to be over here. It was my body that would be going through hell, and I needed to win this one. While it would have been nice to have my mom around a little more, I sacrificed that to have the first week with just our family.
I had to bring up that breastfeeding was going to be challenging and I needed to be able to whip out the boob in my living room or wherever I needed to. In fact, the time they were here was so lonely because I needed to feed him all the time and I could only do that in the nursery. So I was alone in the nursery for the better part of the day and night. And DH realized quickly that I needed help with breastfeeding, so it was important for him to be around and not entertaining his parents. I also pointed out that having guests is always stressful and that's the last thing we needed when we were dealing with breastfeeding, bloody underwear, leaking breasts, screaming babies and more.
I love my IL's, but would have been overwhelmed with them in my home right after the birth. LClaire and rlthomas are right about the bleeding and breastfeeding- you will want to feel comfortable.
Could you ask him if his family could come after your mom leaves because you won't need all of the help at one time, but you could use their help a few weeks later? He is probably really excited and wants to share the birth with his family too. However....they should wait a few weeks!!
The whole thing about them coming at that time verses later is, his sisters. They....well 2 are still in school so it had to be during their break. Which is why I was pushing for Spring break instead. The other issue is his Dad is a mason. With winter being a slow time, he'd be losing less work during that time than coming down in March. That's his whole argument for not pushing them back later. I'd be fine if it was even just a month later. i just don't want the added stress when most likely I won't have given birth by the time they come nor will i certainly feel like having people there while i waddle to get my frozen diaper or try to bf,etc.
I think we are currently at a stalemate. He's stopped talking about it.
First, I totally understand your frustration. I didn't even want to return people's phonecalls/text messages let alone have visitors after the baby was born.
That being said, is there anyway you could come up with some kind of compromise? The thought of having to entertain house guests after giving birth would be enough to make my head spin in circles.
Is there anyway his family could rent a hotel for a few days a week or two after you give birth? That way they get to see the baby, but they have some where else to go besides your space.
Any chance of working something like that out?