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Multiples
My Mother...vent (long)
My mom is well intentioned to say the least. To say the most she is over bearing and borderline controling. We have never had the strongest relationship, but since I told her I am pregnant she has been all over me and very involved in my business. (I am her middle child, her only daughter, and our twins will be her first grandchildren). She calls me everyday (at work), checks on my eating and sleeping patterns, and insists she knows more than my highly reccomended Dr does (even though she has no medical training). The other day she really really made me upset.
When we started our registry at BRU they gave us a grandparents magazine, when we went through it we decided NOT to send it to our parents because my IL's would be insulted with the basic information and my mom would take the overbearing tips included in it to a whole new level. There was a website though, and I sent that to my mom, telling her it was advice and a grandparents newsletter. Her response to me was "I dont really want advice, I prefer trial and error and your little ones will be fun to experiment on".
I was so taken aback by that, and I dont know if Im over sensative or if she just rubs me the wrong way, but I thought it was very rude. She hasnt had an infant in 23 years and she hasnt been around any babies in around 16.
Sorry for the length but 3 days later I am still so upset by my mother's attitude, and I dont know how to handle her. I guess the next 6 months will be a long 6 months, and this is just the beginning.
Thanks for reading!
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Re: My Mother...vent (long)
I could have written your post verbatim a few weeks ago. As the other pp suggested, what helped me was to set boundaries.
What I did that helped me was not answer the phone every time she called. Voicemail & caller ID is a gift, use it wisely.
You just started your registry, just wait until your mom starts analyzing every.single.item you registered for and offers her unsolicited advice. I had to tell my mom that these were my choices/decisions based on MY research.
Stick to your guns about your choices and know that while parents can be well-intentioned, they need to know when to back off.
Thanks! It makes me feel better that I am not the only one who goes through it. We've been shopping and I nearly had a breakdown in BRU, I know she is going to ignore the registry and buy what she thinks is best.
I have to work on setting boundries because she doesnt listen. I already know it will eventually come down to her telling me I cut her out of this important time in HER life and that I keep her from the grandkids. I have expressed to her that once they are born they are my children and I will do what I think is best for them. I also told her that I cant have her in the delivery room because it wont work, her exact words were "oh no, that's my place Ill get in there" we have a family friend who is willing to try to keep her at bay. Im not sure who the bigger handful will be my mother or my twins!
thanks!!!!!!!!
start setting boundaries now - it will only get worse if you don't once the babies are here.
stop telling her about what you eat... about doc visits, etc. Just tell her "everything is fine" and when she prys more- tell her that you don't have time to talk, etc....
Set boundaries now or it will get much worse once the twins arrive.
Make it clear that things have changed a lot since you were an infant and you will be basing your decisions for rasing your children from current studies and advice from your pedi once the babies come and your OB/MFM while you are pg.
Quit giving her the information. "What did you eat today, how did you sleep" -- "I ate what was recommended by my OB and I slept great"...she doesn't need details. If she doesn't back down you need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with her. Set the rules -- YOU are the Mom, YOU make the decision and your children are not an experiment.
I had the same thing happen to me, but it wasn't my mom. It was a close friend of mine. Who I might add we are no longer really close.
When I was pregnant with my DD, around end of December/January I started working from home. I had a job that required a lot of phone time, conference calls and speaking to customers and such. I used my work provided cell.
Well she would call me on my house phone and I wouldn't answer as I was on the phone working. She would call, hang up and call again. Then 5-10 minutes later I would get an email. Still working and then she would call my DH and say. I am trying to get your DF, have you heard from her is she okay blah blah blah. He would get paniced and them instant message me.
A lot of times when she would start with her calls I would just IM him and let him know I am working.
I guess she felt since I was at home I wasn't working.
Once I got pregnant with our twins some other stuff happend and our friendship just kind of stopped.
If you can't say something now, you will be able to say something once your baby comes. You change when you realize that you are responsible for this life.
And your mom may think or feel one way, but the fact is you are these children's parent. What you say goes. Doesn't matter if they don't like it or understand it what you says go. You also have more control then you think.
It's hard, but you will be able to do it. Try not to stress about it now and just take care of yourself and your babies.
Good Luck!
I'm having the same overbearing issues with my MIL. And I can TOTALLY relate to your statement about not having been around babies in years! She keeps quoting me archaic safety facts, and because I'm already nervous, I'll look them up and find out that something has been invented in the past 20 years to remedy that issue.
Can you just yell at her? haha. Sometimes reverting to 13 year old behavior works. haha.
As for being in the delivery room, I would talk to my doctor about that. That is not her place, that is yours to govern as you see fit. I would really stress in your birthplan who is allowed inside.
Thanks for the advice as for the archaic facts I laugh because my mom def does the same thing to me. Today at work when my mom called she began telling me AGAIN that I need to stop having sono/us done because they will hurt the babies ears. Sometimes I just shake my head and ask her if its time for her to go.
Thanks everyone for the suggestions...it makes me breath easier to know that I am NOT alone and that I know when the time comes I can handle it with my mom.