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Parenting
Baby Blues and Guilt........
Ladies,
I have a 2 wk old baby girl. She as very much planned and me and DH adore her. This is our first child. The first week we were home, I was in awe over her and very much in love and had this whole happy euphoric feeling. Sadly, it hasnt lasted and I find myself feeling very drained, overwhelmed, confused, sad, tearful and most of all guilty because I have these feelings. I know this is a major life change for us and these feelings are probably normal, but I am not sleeping at all (baby up all night long) and am exhausted and every waking moment of my day, I am working to take care of the baby. I EP so that is very time consuming and the baby NEVER sleeps at night and always wants to be held 24/7 so I can never get anything done.
People say sleep when the baby sleeps, but that is inpossible seeming as how I am pumping every few hours, cleaning bottles, and making sure I am anticipating her next need when she wakes from a nap all while trying to maintain my household, pay bills, shower and eat. I feel trapped and alone. I have no family or friends where I live (its just me and DH) so I am feeling very isolated being a new mommy. I am always worried that i am not doing something right and just feel so guilty so having such sad feelings during a time that should be joyous. Its not her fault. im just tired, cant get into a routine, and feeling very lost and isolated. i tried talking to DH about it but he doesnt get it. actually, we have been at each others thoats lately with the lack of sleep and feeling frustrated and trying to share parenting responsibilites.
any of u experience similar feelings? Thoughts?
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Re: Baby Blues and Guilt........
First of all, I am very sorry that you are feeling this way right now. Being a new Mommy is a hard enough job and not having any help from family must make it doubly hard. The first thing that you should do here is to call your OB, it sounds like maybe you have some post partum depression and might need to be medicated. There are antidepressants that are okay to take while breastfeeding. Second, is there a specific reason that you are EP? Would it maybe be possible to try to get your DC to feed directly from the breast? That would certainly free up a lot of your time, EP is very time consuming (as you know). Third, I think that you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your DH and tell him that you need more help. Right now, your main focus should be your child. The dishes and cleaning and laundry can wait and things like the bills, your DH should be willing to handle for at least a little while.
Good luck, I hope that things start to get better for you soon.
Kelly Monaghan's 5K - 5/15/11 - 3rd Place in AG
Walk the Talk 5K - 5/18/11 - 31:12 PR
Ridley Run 3.1 - 4/14/12 - 1st race of the year, 32:45
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I remember feeling every single thing you are talking about. The first few weeks are SO hard. Please dont' beat yourself up or feel guilty about how you are feeling. It is so overwhelming and life-changing and "OMG, what the have I done with my life?! What was I thinking?!! I can't do this!!!"
I truly felt everything you're describing and I'm so sorry that you're going through it. Motherhood takes so much time to settle into; this will pass. All of these feelings will subside as you get into more of a routine (which you will, even though it feels impossible right now).
Do you have any other support system? Friends or family in the area that might be able to come over and hold her while she naps so you can take a shower or a nice long walk, or who can do the dishes for you while you take a short nap before you have to pump? It is SO hard to ask for help, but it can also be a huge relief to get just a little bit of help from the outside.
(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
It will get better. Don't beat yourself up. You are only human. Forget about the laundry or even the house. They will always be there. He might need to wash the underwear.
Are you able to get out? A trip to Target was always good for my soul, even if you buy just a coffee.
It will get better.
So sorry you're feeling this way, just know that you're not alone. It's a huge life change but on top of that that hormonal shift you experience after childbirth is not something that can be managed by wishing it away. I remember crying everyday for two weeks when I had my daughter and I characterize myself as a low-key, easy-going kind of person. I couldn't put my finger on why. There was no reason. I had help and my daughter wasn't too needy (at the beginning
. It really did subside for me after two weeks, but for many I know it takes longer.
You're exclusively pumping? Holy cow, that is hard and exhausting. Is there a new mom group that you can join? The hospital where I delivered my first had one once a week and it was something to look foward to as I didn't know any new moms in the area at the time either. I've since moved, but I know many moms form bonds with those that are in those new moms groups. Do you have any friends or family that can come stay with you for a few days?
Please don't feel guilty. You're doing a great job, I'm sure. I'd suggest talking to your OB and let her know how you're feeling. Sometimes it's nice to have someone tell you that your feelings are normal in person. Or, if there's more to it, she can point you in the right direction. Do your best to sleep when you can and don't worry about the cleaning. Hope you feel better soon!
Hang in there. It may seem like forever, but things will get better. One of my girls was a non-sleeper who had colic - thankfully, my other was an easy baby. I also EP'd, so I know how time-consuming it is. I remember feeling sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and just plain old miserable for those first few months. Despite wanting children very badly (we went through IVF), I actually found myself daydreaming about giving my girls up for adoption or running away. I felt horribly guilty and very alone. It was so very hard. But I can say that things are *so* much better and that my girls are the light and joy of my life now.
First of all, if your DH isn't helping out at night, insist on it. Even if you are staying home during the day, you are entitled to *some* sleep at night. I was lucky to have a very supportive DH. We did shift work for sleep to ensure that both of us would get at least few good hours of sleep each night. If he isn't willing to help, then look into hiring a mother's helper for a couple hours during the day, so that you can get a nap. Don't worry about cleaning and chores right now - you're in survival mode. You need sleep - both for you and for your baby.
As for your baby not sleeping at night, try anything and everything to get your baby to sleep. My girls slept in carseats for the first 2 months of the lives because that's the only things they'd sleep in. Try swings, swaddles, papasans - whatever is safe. Don't worry about creating bad habits at this point, just worry about getting some sleep.
Also, is your baby crying all night? Let the pedi know. Often babies that are up all night have issues with acid reflux or dairy or soy allergies/sensitivies. There might be a medical reason keeping her up.
Make sure to get out of the house every day - even if it's just a walk around the block. Being stuck inside the house makes you feel even more isolated. When the girls were little, I used to make regular trips to Target just to interact with people and make me feel human.
Finally, if you think you are experiencing PPD, definitely talk to your OB about possible counseling/medication. Many women have gone through PPD - it's probably more common than you think.
In a few more weeks your little girl will start sleeping longer stretches and so will you. Best of luck.
Call the OB office in the morning and talk to a nurse about things. ?You may simply be exhausted or you may have PPD, or likely a combo of the two. ?I've been there, my DS didn't sleep through the night until 16months due to ear infections all the time. ?And I had PPD. ?I was a mess - but if you can let someone know what's going on (the ob) they may be able to help. ?It is definitely normal to an extent - but you guys need to find a way to help each other out & get some sleep.
And you NEED to somehow get it through to your DH that you aren't kidding around when you say you are exhausted. ?He needs to help. ?Housework can wait, if the place looks messy for a few weeks, it's not a big deal. ?You need to take care of you and baby first, the housework can wait, and if you can rope DH into paying bills, even better. ?When he gets home, hand him the baby & take a hot shower. ?Or just after you feed her, hand her to DH & take a 30minute nap if you can. ?Anything will help. ?
And lots of *hugs*
Please don't feel guilty. Easier said than done, right?
Do what you can reasonably do, and what doesn't get done DH can do, or it can wait. There is only so many hours in a day, and you only have 2 hands.
As far as DH goes, I don't know if yours is like mine, but I have to give mine specific instructions. For example, "DH, I need to take a little nap, could you please empty/load the dishwasher while I'm in bed?" or "DH, do you think you could throw this load of clothes in the washer while I'm pumping?" It also helps if I make it seem like it is a huge help that makes all the difference in my day.
And ditto the pp who said take a trip to Target, or anywhere really. just getting out of the house helps. Especially that first trip, it feels like a huge accomplishment. So, head out to Target, or Kmart, or a local park, or the grocery store, anywhere where you can get out amongst people.
(((hugs)))
The first few weeks are HARD! Take it easy on yourself and give yourself a break. If the house is a mess, it is okay! If you need to use paper plates for a bit, that's fine!
Getting out of the house is a really good suggestion. Even if you're just getting out for a walk around the neighborhood, it will help!
And if you don't already have one, get a good sling!
First off, I agree with a pp about talking to your dr.
But I have felt the same way you have. Hell, I even have a post on here from a month or so ago about how overwhelmed I felt. And I still do, but it has gotten much, much better.
I am all about BFing, but can't possibly imagine EPing. Maybe it is too much. Formula isn't the devil. And a happy rested mom is a good mom. Just a thought. You can do organic formulas if it makes you feel better. That is a lot of work and maybe it just isn't worth it.
Good luck here. This is a great board to post on if you're having issues. I don't post too much, but always get great support from these ladies and have learned so much.