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Oregon Babies
bad night
does anyone else feel like their relationship with dh has changed since having lo? i feel like mine has been pulling away and he's never here. it makes me feel so lonely and sad all the time and i'm starting to resent him. we had a long talk last night and it didn't go well at all. i barely slept. things are okay today and he says he's going to try to do better, but it just hurts so much. i hear about those people who have a child and then their relationships fall apart and i really don't want that. if you've had any of these problems what did you do? i just need to figure out how to make it better. and how not to resent him.
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Re: bad night
I would say that the first 6 months were the hardest. My hormones were all over the place and I was adjusting to being responsible for this little life as a SAHM. DH was really nervous around DD when she was little because he did not have a lot of experience with tiny babies and was not very confident in being able to care for her. I also BF, so a lot of the night wakings were all on me and that made me feel a little alone and at times, resentful. It took a little while but we finally started to feel more comfortable in our roles as parents.
I thnk that the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. I have a hard time asking for help (I'll admit that) and I cannot expect DH to be a mind reader (though at times would love for him to!). My DH suggested "date night" once a week to try and help us stay connected. After the baby was in bed, we would turn off computers, tv's, etc. and just focud on each other. Chat about your day, things that are bugging you, whatever and just tune the rest of the world out.
I hope that you start to feel better about things and feel free to PM me if you like!
DD #2 - 03.13
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a hard time
I wish I had some words of wisdom as I haven't been there. In fact, how you're feeling is one of the many reasons I'm choosing to work after the baby is born (well, and money.. but we could probably work around that). I felt I would resent DH for having a work-social life and he felt he would resent me for NOT having to go to work. In the end, we realized that it would be hard, and hectic but probably overall better for both of us and our marriage if I continued to work.
That being said, you still have to make time for each other. I know that baby should always come first, but you can't be happy parents if you're not a happy couple and you can't be good parents if you're just fighting and resentful. I agree with the other poster that said have a "date night" or take 30 minutes out of each night to wind down, shut everything off and just talk about your day. Maybe see if you can get a sitter for a Saturday night every now and then and just go have adult time as well. That will help you feel more adult (and less of a diaper changer!) and help him connect with you again, as I'm sure he misses that as well.
I hope Sunday was better for you and each day continues to get better from here on out.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. Having a baby hit us pretty hard also. The first 4-5 months were REALLY hard for DH and I, it felt like all we did was fight and bicker and yell at each other. It was to the point where I actually crunched the numbers and thought about how much rent I could afford on my salary alone. It's awful to think like that, especially after 4 years of very happy marriage, and TTC for so long, to have this wonderful baby that you wanted SO bad, to be causing all these arguments.
The things that REALLY helped me:
1. We have a housekeeper. It's $50 every 2 weeks, so only $100 a month, and this has helped IMMENSELY with our fights. Having a clean house really makes you be in a better mood.
2. Have sex. Even if you don't physically feel up to it yet, or you're fighting, or you don't like how your body looks naked, turn the lights down low and have some sex. You need it, your DH needs it, it will do wonders for your relationship. Make a schedule if you need to, that no matter what, on Monday, Weds, and Friday, it's sex night. TMI, but DH and I will be sitting on the couch exhausted after dealing with DD all evening, and when she finally falls asleep, we jokingly look at each other and say "wanna go DO IT" and that's our sexy time. It helps so much.
3. Make date nights a priority. Get a family member or babysitter for the night, and go to dinner, just the two of you. The first few date nights we went on, we fought like CRAZY and they ended bad, BUT we kept with them and they have gotten so much better, and we just did one last night, and had a great time. We did happy hour at Applebees and a movie, and SIL watched DD for 3 hours. It was great, and I feel so close to DH today. And we literally spent $40 total.
4. Spend some kid-free time with your girlfriends. Put on some makeup and a cute outfit, and go get lunch, or a pedicure, or drinks, or ANYTHING, with a girlfriend, without your baby. And your DH has to stay home, alone, with the baby. This will make him realize exactly how hard you work, and how tough it is to actually care for a baby for a few hours.
Just know that, it does get better. The last 2 months or so have been great for our relationship. It feels a lot more equal now, and we are a lot nicer to each other now.
I think a lot of relationships go through this when you have a baby. It's hard to put balance back into your relationship when there is a whole new dependent person involved. The Jen has some really good tips, and I think if you're able to do some of those things, and have some of your own time by yourself, and some alone time with your husband that things will start to feel better.
My husband works crazy hours and I'm a SAHM we moved up here 6 months ago and we don't have any friends or family up here for me to hang out with, or to babysit. It is really hard sometimes and I get mad at my DH. He feels like he works long hard hours and should just be able to relax when he gets home, and I feel like I "work" long hard hours too and need some help when he gets home. Communication is the only thing that seems to help, even if sometimes it leads to arguments. If you don't talk about it, it can't get better.
I think you live by the Streets of Tanasbourne? I don't live too far from there, if one day you and your little one would like to meet up with me and my little one for coffee or talking over there let me know.
Thank you all for your kind words, help, and letting me know I'm not the only one.
This is why I am so thankful for this board. It makes me realize that other people go through the same things I do. And Jen, thank you for not making me feel bad about thinking about how much I can afford w/baby alone...because I did that too as horrible as it sounds. I love staying home with LO everyday and everything is great, but on the weekends sometimes I just want my time you know? Not neccessarily to leave the house or anything, but just to be able to take a nap or a shower or something. I have to take my showers at midnight every night and then wait for her to take a nap the next morning to be able to do my hair. It's just frustrating to not be able to do things even though he's home. He's doing that same thing that I believe it was sleepyocean that said it, he works long hours (60+) and comes home tired and just wants to relax, but I "work" too all day and all weekend. MY job is 7 days a week. I think I'll try some of the things y'all recommended and hopefully it will help. The last couple days have been good. Sunday we spent the day together, he got up with her for the morning feedings so I could sleep or do whatever I wanted to do then we went to BRU to get her some warm clothes for this cold weather and then to his brother's for dinner. Today he called me a couple times to tell me he loved me and he was home before 5pm. Usually he gets home anytime between 6 and 10pm. We'll see what happens, but hopefully our talk Saturday night and then if we use some of your ideas...it will make it better.
Sleepyocean, I would love to meet up sometime. Another one of the problems with us is that I don't drive, so I'm literally a SAHM. We're going to be working on that soon, but we only have one car and if we add me to our insurance that's just more money. So getting out near here, at streets of tanasbourne or even just the starbucks across from it or something would be good. I too moved to Oregon from somewhere else and all my friends are out of state. I have my mom and siblings here, but don't see them often. Would be nice to have some friends.
I'm glad you are feeling better the last few days!
Another thing...my DH works long hours also, and I work part time, 24-32 hours/week. I had a lot of resentment towards him at first, and this is what helped. ASK HIM TO HELP YOU. Be specific with it. I ask him to clean the bottles and pump parts, or to throw the laundry in the dryer. Guys respond well to direct, specific requests. Also, whenever we need to feed DD, one of us changes the diaper, and one of us feeds her. So we are both up "working". If it's a formula bottle, I give him the option "would you rather change her diaper or make the bottle and feed her?" Then he has to pick one option, and we each still have some free time.
I have to say...if you don't get to take a shower until midnight, that's CRAP. After you both eat dinner, hand the baby to your DH and say "I'm going to take a shower, I will be back in about half hour" and then take your time in a nice long shower. Seriously, he's the Dad and he needs to take responsibility for some of the childcare responsibilities, it's not 100% up to you. I think that might be why you are so frustrated.
I have Fridays off work and would totally meet up and go for a walk with you, if you want!! I can drive to you, no problem! Sometimes all you need is a friend to grab a coffee with, and you will feel better.
Me too! I've only left DD for a couple hours one time to get my haircut and another because I was in surgery. I don't want to leave her, but I probably should have some time away at some point.