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Mother not coming...WWYD?

brandywardbrandyward
in 2nd Trimester

My mom is not in a good financial situation, and she lives more than 1,000 miles away. She works, but she and my unemployed step father also blow a lot of cash at bars every night.

I really really wanted her to be here over the holidays (when she has 2 wks vacation), and LO will be here by then. So, even though DH and I are both full time students, I sent her $500 to come visit when LO gets here. That's double what she needs to get here and back.

Yesterday she called and said she forgot to put her rent into her checkbook, so her account was $600 overdrawn and she had to use the money for that. (I've made huge financial mistakes too, but you'd think after you spend a few hundred you shouldn't have had you'd realize something was up.) She said now she's worried that she won't have the money to come when LO is born.

I'm soooo mad! What should I do if she doesn't come?

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Re: Mother not coming...WWYD?

  • Luv-a-BugLuv-a-Bug
    I would be upset, but I'd feel that I'd already made an effort and that now it was time for me to deal. ... It sounds like your mom has made a few irresponsible choices, but now is when you need to be responsible for LO. You tried to make it work for your mom to come out... Now it's on her if she is to come out. You need to focus on your LO.
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  • gingerfamilygingerfamily member
    As much as it sucks, there isn't really anything you can do.
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  • jalaiaajalaiaa

    I would be so irritated. My brother is an alcoholic and has made a series of awful decisions in his life (marrying someone after knowing her for 3 weeks and moving him and his 3 kids into her house, for example).

    I used to get so stressed out trying to figure out how to make help him make life work. I'd lose a ton of sleep at night trying to figure out what advice to give him or how to help him out of a mess he created. My mom was in the same boat and started reading a bunch of Alanon stuff. There's a saying that she told me which is, "I can't change it, I can't control it, I didn't create it."  

    I've gotta say, it has helped a lot. I still get irritated by his dumb choices, but instead of trying to fix them or him, i kind of throw my hands up in the air and say that to myself. it has taken a lot of stress out of my life. And now I just focus on being a good auntie to his kids. 

     All that to say, it sucks your mom did that.  

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  • MilesOfSmilesMilesOfSmiles
    I would be beyond upset if I were you - not only that she essentially stole your money, but she's choosing bars over visiting her daughter and grandchild at Christmas. That's disgusting. It's too bad you didn't just buy the plane ticket with that money, instead of sending the cash to her trusting that she would :( I think I would tell her that if she's not able to use the money as it was intended for, to send to you whatever she has left back to you. No one should be stealing money, especially from their own child. *sigh* I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
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  • megs042107megs042107

    imagemrsh0606:
    As much as it sucks, there isn't really anything you can do.

    Precisely. ?Even if you were to send more money, she will most likely blow it on bars or use it toward past-due rent. ?Unfortunately, you cannot change someone's behavior no matter how hard you try. ?You cannot make them into something they are not. ?You cannot change their list of priorities I am sorry you are dealing with this. ?I agree with the pp who said that now is the time that you look out for your LO. ? You cannot continue to send your hard earned money to your mom in hopes that she will visit... you will end up supporting her irresponsible behavior and end up hurting yourself even more. ?

    Try to focus on getting ready for your LO's arrival and know that you will be the best mommy that you can be.?

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  • Anna&MattAnna&Matt member
    I would be extremely upset. Unfortunately though I don't think anything you can do will make her come unless maybe you buy her a plane ticket to come for a set date so she can't spend the money on something else. But even then who knows if she'll really be there from the sounds of it.
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  • RadicalDreamer143RadicalDreamer143 member
    Your mother is a grown woman, and it's her responsibility to see her grandchild.  You went above and beyond in making the effort - I would NEVER send my mother $500, for the precise reason of her blowing it on getting her nails done/spa day/going out to dinner).

    She needs to grow up.  Honestly, going out to BARS was more important to her than buying plane tickets to see her grandchild, which was a fully-funded trip.  I'd cut her off, but that's based on my reaction to my own mother pulling that sort of stunt.
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  • jhoanna.delgadojhoanna.delgado

    Don't make the mistake of sending her more money. She'll just use it for other things since her finances are so tight. If you would still like your mother to come and you can afford it, buy her a ticket online. I agree that she may not deserve it, but she's still your mother.

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  • zeptattoozeptattoo member
    As much as it sucks, you can't make descions for her.  However, hopefully this will open her eyes to the chioces she makes.
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  • HarleyQ8HarleyQ8
    Do you think that she wants to come? Is the idea for her to be there to help you when LO first arrives? If you believe she wants to come and would be a help, I would buy the plane ticket (if you have the $, obviously) and tell her when to get on the plane.  I cant imagine my mom not being there when I have my first baby, even if there are issues.  Go with your gut feeling on this one and dont feel guilty no matter what you decide.
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  • foreignroyaltyforeignroyalty
    Looks like her a$$ is riding greyhound. I'd be pissed. There is nothing you can do, except know for next time to keep the money and send actual tickets so she does't blow it again. It sounds like she was relying on your money to get her out of trouble. She has to live with that.
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  • Tulip370Tulip370 member

    imageforeignroyalty:
    Looks like her a$$ is riding greyhound. I'd be pissed. There is nothing you can do, except know for next time to keep the money and send actual tickets so she does't blow it again. It sounds like she was relying on your money to get her out of trouble. She has to live with that.

    I agree with this.  It is unfortunate that your mother has made some bad choices with her (and your) money, but at this point I think a little tough love is what she needs.  I'd tell her that although you really want her to be there at this very important time in your lives, you cannot spend any more money on her as you have your LO to save up for now.  She may be upset, but at least it will likely give her second thoughts about her own behavior.  And in the meantime, enjoy the family and friends who will be there with you and make the holidays special.  GL!

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  • tisk*notmetisk*notme
    imagejalaiaa:

    I would be so irritated. My brother is an alcoholic and has made a series of awful decisions in his life (marrying someone after knowing her for 3 weeks and moving him and his 3 kids into her house, for example).

    I used to get so stressed out trying to figure out how to make help him make life work. I'd lose a ton of sleep at night trying to figure out what advice to give him or how to help him out of a mess he created. My mom was in the same boat and started reading a bunch of Alanon stuff. There's a saying that she told me which is,?"I can't change it, I can't control it, I didn't create it." ?

    I've gotta say, it has helped a lot. I still get irritated by his dumb choices, but instead of trying to fix them or him, i kind of throw my hands up in the air and say that to myself. it has taken a lot of stress out of my life. And now I just focus on being a good auntie to his kids.?

    ?All that to say, it sucks your mom did that.??

    Thank you for posting this! ?I have a similar situation with my brother which has caused me so much worry & stress. ?He is not an alcoholic that I know and we are not sure what his neurosis is, but it is a constant problem. ?

    It is so great in a weird way to hear that someone else has been affected the same way by their brother's troubles. ?I thought there was something wrong with me for letting his problems affect me so deeply. ?It was stressing me out, causing me to lose sleep, etc. ?I finally realized that I have tried and tried and I cannot help him or make him get the help he needs. ?You need to just move on with your life. ?It is hard and I do feel guilty sometimes but I cannot solve everything. ?I think that saying really helps release one from the guilt when you cannot help someone. ?Thanks!

    To the OP - It is your Mom's loss, this is a new chapter in your life and you need to enjoy it. ?You made your best effort to have your mother there and everyone involved knows that. ?Unfortunately, you now will have to put your hard earned $ towards your own LO and your mom is responsible for herself.?

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