Did you bond with your newborn immediately?

Mila725 · October 2009

Don't get me wrong, I totally love my precious LO, but I just don't feel like we've bonded yet. I am a first time mom and was worried about how I would care for baby since I have very little experience with babies and everyone just said, "Oh, it'll come naturally." Well, I'm not sure it has! When my baby is fussy and crying, I'll hold her and sing to her, but nothing seems to work. I just don't know what to do to comfort her and it just makes me want to cry. While pregnant, I had this vision that when my baby heard my voice, she would recognize and it would help to calm her. I imagined being able to lay her on my chest and she would hear my heartbeat and be calmed. None of that works. I feel like she doesn't know me at all, other than knowing that I am the one that feeds her. It makes me sad to feel like I'm just a boob to my DD though. It seems like my DH has no problem though. Everyone says that he has "the touch," but shouldn't I be able to comfort her too -- I'm her mommy?!

Did anyone else experience this? I hope it gets better.

meg1974 · October 2009

I think that's normal for some people. I don't feel like mothering comes naturally to me. A lot of the time I don't know what to do to comfort her. DH also talks to her a lot, but I feel like I don't know what to say to her.

Have you tried the 5 S's to comfort her when she cries? You can google them or get the book or DVD "The Happiest Baby on the Block." It usually works for us.

GL, it does get better!

Chrysallys · October 2009

I felt like I did. I think bf and bedsharing, which we did from the start, helped with bonding.

I have no advice except to say it will get better.

majors31 · October 2009

i feel like the milk cow sometimes too, but i think it does get better. i had a very emotionally hard pregnancy and still struggled after she was born, but it does get better. keep an eye on how you are feeling. it took me a little while and a come to jesus with my ob to realize i probably needed some help with my emotions.

hang in there!

nasmith882 · October 2009

Me too!

My LO was in the NICU for 70 days and I felt the same way. I couldn't hold him and when I did I was to worried to bond...but now..He LOVES his mama. It has taken time but I totally understand his cries and stuff but it takes time..Kinda like learning another language LOL be patient it will come but not overnight. GL

surprisebaby4us2009 · October 2009

Chrysallys:

I felt like I did. I think bf and bedsharing, which we did from the start, helped with bonding.

I have no advice except to say it will get better.

my thoughts exactly

sam19 · October 2009

I thought I did but I think it was just the high of having my baby finally out. Now that I've developed PPD I'm having a really hard time bonding with her and enjoying this time.

ShanLeAnn · October 2009

Chrysallys:
I felt like I did. I think bf and bedsharing, which we did from the start, helped with bonding.
I have no advice except to say it will get better.

same here.

Also, sometimes DH could comfort DS better than me because I EBF and I think he'd smell me and think it was time to eat when it was really time to sleep. HTH a little!

LailasMommy · October 2009

It is completely normal for it to take some time to bond with LO. You are getting to know them and they are getting to know you. It's a huge life change accompanied by huge physical, mental and hormonal changes as well. The key is to keep checking in with yourself. Not dramatically, but as time goes on your should be feeling more and more bonding and closeness. That's normal for it to take a while, a warning sign for PPD however would be that as time goes on your don't feel any more bonded or even less bonded. It's tough, it's a new thing, but I'm sure you are already a wonderful Mommy even if you don't feel like it. Hang in there, it really does get better!!!

shortyran · October 2009

I didn't bond with my little guy immediately- and felt awful because of it. He was very fussy and irritable and did not sleep well (like all babies really) and I was just so overtired and stressed that all I could do was be grateful when he fell asleep finally- I would say it took a good three weeks for me to actually start enjoying him- it helped that he started being a little more awake and interactive during the day. Before that, we were just in survival mode! I'm absolutely infactuated with him now though, so it does happen! And, there are times that I can't calm him- just know that it's not because you're a bad mother- babies are just fussy sometimes! You'll get there

MoMandA · October 2009

Your feelings sound totally normal.

kittykatlover · October 2009

it gets better, i promise.

in the beginning i felt like i didn't love ds enough. it happened over time for me.

aniceucchik · October 2009

i did not "bond" at all at first. Actually a regreted everything that had just happened. It has taken me 2 months to actually be happy and excited that i have this baby. I have figured out that i am not the motherly type at all, and that has been hard for me to learn what im supposed to do...i still have bad days and sometimes i still wish i was able to do things, but at least now i am happier and feel more confident in myself as a mom.

Shlei · October 2009

ShanLeAnn:
Chrysallys:

I felt like I did. I think bf and bedsharing, which we did from the start, helped with bonding.

I have no advice except to say it will get better.

same here.

Also, sometimes DH could comfort DS better than me because I EBF and I think he'd smell me and think it was time to eat when it was really time to sleep. HTH a little!

Yes this.

heatherlane · October 2009

It gets easier as time passes and he starts doing more than eat-sleep-cry. I would get really frustrated when he cried and I couldn't fix it. It took DH, and family, reminding me that sometimes they just cry and you work through it. When it gets to be too much, let DH take over and I spend an hour doing something for me...a bath, a walk, a drive, or going to a diff.part of the house to read or nap.

cass_e · October 2009

I felt that way at first too, that I couldn't do anything to calm her...and then we had company over to visit and see the baby..and when she cried when they held her, I took her...and she immediately quieted down when I talked to her. That really made me feel good, and more like a mother than before. Of course when it's just DH and I and she's crying, sometimes neither of us can comfort her..

mandolynn81 · October 2009

One of my books suggests having a lazy dy in bed with lo. both of you stay in you jammies, have someone bring you drinks and food - and just cuddle, feed and sleep with baby. no dh, no mil, no one to distract lo. it's fun.

kdruffles · October 2009

I'm in the same boat as you. My LO was in the NICU for almost 4 weeks, and had to be bottle fed. When we brought her home only my DH could feed her. She was having desats( she would stop breathing) when I bottle fed her. Now she is breastfed during the day but still bottle fed at night, because we have to add extra calories to bulk her up. I swear she doesn't even know who I am. It's so depressing and I feel like a failure for a mom. I just keep hoping it gets better like people say. Just know your not alone!

KelliLynee · October 2009

I loved LO from the beginning, of course, but I really felt the connection around 6 weeks- when she actually spent some part of the day NOT eating or crying, and our time together was a little more fun. It was at that point when I realized I was head-over-heels.

Mila725 · October 2009

Thanks so much for all of your responses! I'm glad to see that I'm not alone. Like I said, I totally love DD, but I just don't feel like she knows me. I don't know how to comfort her and I when she cries and I can do nothing to help her, I take it personally. I tell my DH things like, "Our baby hates me!" He says, "She doesn't hate you! She loves you." But I just say, "She can't love me... she doesn't even know me." Crying

I think I will try some of the bonding activities mentioned. I like the idea of lazy time!

2007wife · October 2009

I bonded with my son immediately. Still there are days when he drives me crazy and makes me feel like the most incompetent mother ever!

Just wait for the 6 week mark or around there when she starts to smile for the first time. It will make you fall in love all over again. Soon enough she will respond you your voice and prove that she know's her mother. My DH gets jealous because out DS smiled more when he hears my voice. Believe me she knows who her mama is, they just can't show it yet, but in time you'll see.

flygirl4ev · October 2009

Don't feel bad, it will get better! I think our expectations while pregnant are way to high, and when things don't pan out like we "imagined" we get really dissapointed. I would def. suggest reading the book "Happiest Baby on the Block" (or renting the dvd) It REALLY gives a great set of things to do to calm baby, I used them right off the bat and was the only one who could sooth lo, not because of me, but because of the techniques in the book. You'll figure it out, just keep trying different things. GL!

febgirl · October 2009

I'm really thankful for this post, I feel the same way as the OP. I had a c-section and wasn't able to breastfeed and I feel like both of those in some way negatively affected some bonding experiences I could have had. Its unfortunate that for some of us the bond takes longer, I am jealous of those mothers that say they instantly felt connected to their LO. I loved my LO instantly, but I am still growing the bond and know it will take time - I wonder why it happens for some instantly and not for others?

spark&echo · October 2009

KelliLynee:
I loved LO from the beginning, of course, but I really felt the connection around 6 weeks- when she actually spent some part of the day NOT eating or crying, and our time together was a little more fun. It was at that point when I realized I was head-over-heels.

This, exactly.

I had a very hard labor that ended in a c/s, and I was so emotionally overwhelmed by that and everything else that it really interfered with bonding for awhile.

It will get better, I promise.

iris427 · October 2009

You will get there. I didn't bond with my baby for a while--I was kind of in a state of shock the first month. Parenting doesn't always come naturally--it's a learning process. It doesn't mean you aren't a great mom.

And yes, it will get better.

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