- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
2nd Trimester
Looking for some gentle but honest advice...
Just before I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend and I had been discussing spending some time apart. Well, as you can imagine, when we discovered I was pregnant we decided to try to work on the things that were a problem for us and try to make things work. Well, it's been a few months and of course nothing has changed. We argue constantly and I'm at a point where I just feel like it's too much. It's funny; because I read an article last night about how babies hear from inside the womb and it just really hit me. Our baby is in there listening to us argue. It was at the moment that I just stopped arguing, went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I woke up at 2am and spent the rest of the morning trying to figure out what I wanted, what was best for the baby and how I thought my boyfriend might react to some of my ideas. Anyway, here is the idea that I settled on and I just wanted to see what you ladies thought. I want us to live together but more like roommates or friends, I want us to take sex out of the equation and get to know each other again. To find out if we still love each other, to find out if we want to spend the rest of our lives together, or are we just staying together because of the baby. I want to take the pressure off of both of us and see what develops. My boyfriend is so excited about this baby and I don't want to take that away from him but I also don't want to just stay together because we are having a baby. Does that make any sense? I'm just really struggling this morning. I can't stop crying and just need to "talk" to someone. I'm hoping you gals can offer some gentle, but honest advice. I know that some of you out there probably want to tell me how stupid I am and that I should have thought about all of this before getting pregnant...if that's what you have to say, please don't. I already feel lousy about things and am just trying to make some good decisions. I?m kind of alone in the world, both my parents have passed on and I just don?t have a lot of friends or family so I don?t really have anyone to talk to. I?m just hoping for some help here. Thanks so much.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Looking for some gentle but honest advice...
If it's not too nosy of me...what do you two argue about?
Also, i'm wondering if the "roomate" idea is a good one...i know a couple people who have tried that and it did not work, but maybe it could for you.....
what about having him move out to give eachother space?? He could still be involved in the child's life and he will probably come crawling back b/c he misses you so much
My honest opinion:
I think it's a good idea to focus on getting to know one another better again and to see if your relationship is true or if it's based on the baby.
That being said, being "room mates" without the sexual factor, can make things akward... especially if he decides to bring a "friend" over down the road (only should things not work well with the two of you), etc...
My advice would be to live apart- I've seen WAYYYY too many people live together before getting engaged and/or married- and then they're kind of "stuck" in that situation without the legal commitment.
It's hard to say what I'd do in your situation... but from the outside looking in, I would say to continue to live seperately, and work on your relationship. Take sex out of the equation- but still be "together"- just focusing on rebuilding your relationship and strengthening yourselves (both separately and as a couple).
If it's meant to be, it will be. You just need to put yourself in an environment where there is no added stress for you OR this baby.
GL!
First of all, hang in there and be strong. It's probably hard being pregnant without a partner who is fully there so I commend you for wanting to make things better.
You idea sounds valid enough. I've heard of couples on the verge of divorce that have saved their marriages by dating again like they did when they first got together. I know sometimes there are too many past issues to do this but I do know it works for some people.
Counseling may be a good option if you are both willing. Someone outside the relationship who has more expertise may be able to help you see things you wouldn't otherwise see.
When DH and I moved in together (before marriage), we agreed beforehand to take sex completely off the table. This was a mutual agreement so that it wouldn't cloud our thoughts of what marriage would be like since we were still young. This was truly the BEST option for us. I am totally for this.
That being said, he MUST be completely on board or he will just become resentful. I think this is a good idea to propose, but have a backup. It's good to recognize what you want to eliminate for the benefit of your LO (fighting). Remember to present this for the child, as well as for you. You obviously care about your bf or you wouldn't be coming up with these options.
Good luck!
Julianna's Website
Angela's Website
First, you've got several weeks to go before the baby is going to hear the arguing... And crying yourself to sleep and stressing yourself out is probably doing worse things to him/her right now...
I agree with PP that said to see a couples counselor. Rather than screaming at each other at home, you'd have a mediator that would help facilitate communication between you and you should be able to get to the bottom of what's going on between you so you can make an informed decision on how to proceed.
That is a really tough situation and I feel for you. It must be a very difficult thing for you to go through, on top of being pregnant and all that goes along with it.
I also would recommend counseling, to see if you both can identify what problems or issues you are having and to try to come to a resolution. I think your current solution may work, but keep in mind that there might be some resentment on his part if you are living together but not being intimate. For some men, this can mean a definitive breakdown in the relationship and they may begin to stray. I would hate to see that happen to you, especially given the fact that you are pregnant. Definitely check out your local counseling resources and see if you can find a suitable, impartial party to help you both.
I understand what you are going through, and that sounds like a tough situation - so no judgement here. However, I don't know if taking sex out of the equation but still living together is a good idea. Sex is one of the primary pillars of a relationship that holds a couple together, and if you take it out, things will not get better - only worse. If what you you really want is to break up, I suggest that you take a real break - IE one of you move out and stop contacting each other for a while. If you aren't sure that you want to break up, you could also try going to couples therapy. Some therapy methods are better than others. I like Gottman's philosophy a lot.
There really isn't any easy answer to these questions, but you have to do what's best for the baby. That may or may not be staying together. I'm sorry you are going through this! I hope things get better for you soon.
You can each love the baby and not be together. The notion that being together miserably is better than being apart happily is just wrong.
I would not do the roomate thing, I don't think you'll get what you're looking for. I think you know the score and are just a little loathe to face the reality right now.
You need to have this conversation with him.
First off... couples counseling is a MUST. It's hard to see your own relationship from the outside and be subjective about it. At some point, you do have to be brutally honest about your relationship.
I can understand why you would want to live with him. This is a very big, important, and scary time in your life. But if you were thinking of taking time apart before you became pregnant, then nothing has really changed. Pregnant or not, you need to do what's best for the relationship, and I don't think you can really do that by still living together but not acting like a couple. And afterall, you two will have a child together. There will always be a bond there that can't be broken.
My two cents is that the roommates thing will not work unless the relationship is strictly plutonic, meaning you are friends and nothing more. Period. That means not working on your relationship any more than you would work on a relationship if you were living with a co-worker or someone you just met.
If you do want to work on the relationship, then living apart and getting a counselor involved is a good idea. Even if you do not end up together, you can work on a plan to keep BF and the baby's relationship intact and the two of you can be civil and maybe friends.
We fight about everything...from what we are going to have for dinner to the laundry to the dogs, etc. etc. Our biggest and most often arguements are about money!
The reason I have considered asking him to move out is because he moved to my town for me and so I feel like I want to try everything else first. I do think that we will eventually get to that point though if things don't get better.
This. I think the roommate thing sounds good in theory because it means not having to hurt anyone. But honestly, someone's going to wind up hurt. You can't "play house" and expect there to be no expectations (on your part or his) of what that means emotionally. It's very difficult to draw clear boundaries when they are actually just imaginary ones (i.e. nothing actually changes except we don't have sex, but we still live together and have the same life. THere's no clear picture of what the boundary is here).
I suggest living apart and "dating" again to get back in touch with why you fell in love in the first place. If that doesn't work, please just call a spade a spade and go your seperate ways.
That's an interesting theory about sex. I do think that you are probably right and I hadn't really thought about it in that way. Thank you for bringing that up. This is exactly what I was hoping to get from sharing this with you gals. Thanks so much.
Ladies...thank you so much for your kind but honest opinions. This is exactly what I was neededing.
Oddly enough, I hadn't even considered couple's therapy. I don't know why. My mind has just sort of been clouded.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I just called my boyfriend and asked him if we could sit down and talk tonight. He said yes, that he had been thinking we needed to. I'm not sure what's on his mind but I'm glad that he feels that we need to talk to.
I think you have gotten some good suggestions already and couples counseling may be a good route for you to take. If money is a big issue for you, I might also consider talking to a financial planner. For DH and I, the financial planner was more effective than the counselor. I felt like we talked in circles at the counselor, but made more progress in solving our major issue with the financial planner.
Seeing a financial planner is a great idea also. Thanks!
I've written down a lot of suggestions from all the posts and plan to bring them before my boyfriend this evening when we talk.
I don't have any advice other than what the other ladies gave to you. I just wanted to tell you that you really sound like a smart, logical women. I know what you are going through with not having much family. Both of my parents and all my grandparents have already passed away too, and I'm an only child. I think this kind of situation just makes one stronger, and you do sound strong! I hope things get better for you.
So.. you want to take the pressure off by moving in together?! My gentle advice is that you do anything, but that. You can't live together as roomates, because you are not just roomates; you are two people with a lot of issues that won't disappear.. they'll only be magnified under the same roof - and with a baby there to hear and see every moment.
A baby is never a reason to force a relationship to work - if anything, a baby should be the reason to ask yourself honestly whether this relationship is healthy and happy. Truthfully, it doesn't sound like you two are in a compatible place- and if you felt before that you needed time, I suggest you revisit that option. That doesn't mean he can't be a part of the baby's life -- he is the father - but that doesn't mean he has to be such an enormous part of yours. In the long term, if you force a relationship with him for the SAKE of the baby, or because you are afraid of being alone, the most damage you will do will be to the baby.
I wish you luck..