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"Wild horses couldn't take me away..."

roxyttandmeroxyttandme member
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I was naive enough to post last night that I feel that I have done some healing... I may have... but, I just stepped backwards.

I was phamtom nesting... (cleaning the house like a crazy lady)... and listening to music. The song "Wild Horses" came on and I lost it- which has always been a favorite song of mine. If you know my situation, i think you will get how candid the lyrics are (https://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rolling+stones/wild+horses_20117886.html) . I ended up crying in my bedroom for a half hour. I have to admit, I feel better now.

I think besides the song, I was dusting the table that Haleigh's ashes are on. It was the first time I needed to clean her box. I was terrified to so do. I wasn't sure where to put her while I clean underneath. What to clean her actual box with. I was so scared to set her back down on the table. DH was watching me and I saw a tear in his eye. I think he knew what I was struggling with. I just don't know how to say goodbye yet. I still sleep w/ a blanket I bought her every night. If I don't feel it next to my chest mid-sleep, I awake to search for it.

I hope I am not going crazy. I just feel so frantic about her sometimes. I guess it called anxiety, huh?

Just needed to vent to you ladies. You are my rock!

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Re: "Wild horses couldn't take me away..."

  • BAM_2780BAM_2780

    I'm so sorry.  I can't even bring myself to read the lyrics, to be honest.  I was a wreck this morning and I had been doing so well too.  I'm sorry you had a rough morning and I'm sure the days and months ahead will get easier for all of us, but we're bound to have our moments.

    *big hug 

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  • Hope0910Hope0910
    I am sorry you are having a hard day.  It is okay to cry when you need to.  You have been through something really difficult and have every right to still be grieving.  I know it does not seem it, but it will get easier for you as time goes by.  All you can do is take it one day at a time. 
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  • monica92603monica92603 member

    you're probably stronger than you think.  when we brought our baby's ashes home from the funeral home, I sort of held the box and said "ok what do we do w/ you now".  H said to put the box in the bedroom.  I misunderstood and put the box on our dresser.  When I came back downstairs, H said "not that bedroom"  The next day I realized the ashes were gone and put in the nursery. 

    It's been 76 days and I have not been back in the nursery.  H's cousin/BFF moved anything and everything baby related hanging around into the nursery and closed the door before I came home from the hospital.  I don't even know where H put the ashes.  I honestly would have put them in the crib but I haven't opened the door to find out.

    BFP #1 5/10/06 ...m/mc @11.5w 6/29/06 D&C 6/30/06
    BFP #2 10/29/08 ...stillborn via c/s @41w 7/20/09
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    missing my baby everyday
    BFP #3 1/20/10 My angel's little sister Grace Madison was born September 8th 2010 @37w. We're so blessed! Thank you angel for getting her here safely.
    BFP #4 12/30/11. Jackson Christopher 8/22/2012 via repeat c/s @ 37w 3d
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  • roxyttandmeroxyttandme member
    imagemonica92603:

    you're probably stronger than you think.  when we brought our baby's ashes home from the funeral home, I sort of held the box and said "ok what do we do w/ you now".  H said to put the box in the bedroom.  I misunderstood and put the box on our dresser.  When I came back downstairs, H said "not that bedroom"  The next day I realized the ashes were gone and put in the nursery. 

    It's been 76 days and I have not been back in the nursery.  H's cousin/BFF moved anything and everything baby related hanging around into the nursery and closed the door before I came home from the hospital.  I don't even know where H put the ashes.  I honestly would have put them in the crib but I haven't opened the door to find out.

    Thank you for responding... It is good to know I am not alone.

    I am just so sorry for your loss. I am having a tough enough time with 24 weeks - I can't imagine 41. I would venture to think that you are also probably stronger than you think as well.  big (((hugs))) to both of us!

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  • 3ltlones3ltlones member
    I think it's so hard to go near Zoe's ashes  so I completely understand how you are feeling.  I always feel like I have taken a huge step forward as well, but today I went to church...first time since losing Zoe and I cried the entire time.  So, I'm just not sure.  I do agree, we are probably all stronger than we give our selves credit for, but it is really hard to see that in the moment  Hugs.
    DD(9)DD(5.5)DS(3)DS(born 2/1/11) July 2006, lost a baby at 8 weeks, natural miscarriage , May 2009 lost Zoe Eliana at 17 weeks no reason known, possible under developed organs. Lost two more babies in September 2009 at 7 wks 4 days. Had myomectomy surgery to remove a large fibroid in November 2009.
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  • KelleyBeanKelleyBean member
    Sending hugs and thoughts out to all of you....
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  • nadine21404nadine21404

    Oh Roxy... I am so sorry. I read your post about healing and was so happy for you. I can't even imagine what you were feeling today as you went through everything. Big HUGS are being sent your way from the sunshine state tonight!

    I know what you mean about the music. It can bring so many emotions. Today I ventured out to get my nails done and within 20 minutes of sitting there I heard "I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Wommack, "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan and "Don't stop believing" by Journey. All three of these songs have been so hard to listen to for personal reasons of why I have tied them to this emotional time. I could not believe they were all being played while I am talking to my MALE nail tech who must have thought there was something mentally wrong with me when I would just stop talking and get really sad. Not the experience I was looking for :(

    There will be more bad days ahead but also treasure how you felt yesterday. I think you have begun your healing process because you were able to feel that way yesterday. I will keep you keep you and your family in my thoughts as you continue to get through this.

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