Blended Families

Name question.

So my SD lives with her BM in Montana during the school year (first grade! Yea!) and lives with my husband and I for spring break, one holiday break, and summer vacation. My DH has been keeping track of SD's grades and school activities via her school website. We found out through the website and my SD's "whoops" confession that her BM has changed all of her school records to her step fathers last name (they have almost been married a year). In the parenting plan it states that my SD's name shall remain her mothers maiden name. If anything, my DH wants her last name to change to his. I'm just worried about any legal ramifications from having her records in different last names without having her actual social security card changed (she is under my insurance with the maiden name.) So my question is does the BM have any grounds to do this without my DH's permission? Can she legally change it without DH's permission (he is on the birth certificate)? Does it even matter or should I just not care?

Mio Marito per Sempre: Married 2009. SD is 12 yrs. DD is 4 yrs.

DS born 12/29/14

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Re: Name question.

  • She hasn't legally changed the child's last name. The school will be peeved to find out she's lying about the legal name. Although, I want to know wtf is up with the school that they didn't notice the name they were registering her under didn't match her birth certificate.

    The only legal problem is that she's a lying liar who lies. It will not affect her insurance coverage as I bet mom will use the right name at the dr's office.

    If I were you, I'd have your lawyer contact her or her lawyer if she has one to get the school shiit changed.

    Now if she uses the stepfather's name on her soccer registration, I probably wouldn't worry about that.



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  • Do the custody papers allow for DH to receive school information and contact the schools?  If not, whyever not?  Even if he's not the custodial parent, he is a parent and he should also be keeping track of what's going on, be able to discuss her progress with her, etc.

    And the more involved he is with her schooling and other activities (even if it is out of state) the more difficult it is for BM to pull stunts that try to push SF forward and pull DH out of SD's life.  If her name isn't correct on the schoolwork and DH has information and access to school records, he should simply be able to: first, talk with BM about her using the PROPER name and if that doesn't work, contact the school and provide the papers that show he is the father and this is the child's correct name and the records should be changed to reflect same.  Ex and I were in OH and WA and still maintained contact with the schools, etc.)

    I'm pretty good with the acronyms, no?  Wink


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  • Maybe there's a compromise to be reached?  Like if SD has a hyphenate?

    I just know how confusing it would be to have SSs last name different than ours.  I rely on the school directory for a lot of activities and play dates, and it would be detrimental for a kid if I looked him/her up under her last name, but he/she was listed under her family's name, which was different, kwim?

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • The above is good advice.  I would be very concerned/annoyed that the BM did this because it means that in class she will be answering to her step-dad's last name instead of her own or her father's.  But I would have DH talk to her calmly and just tell her that he is aware of this and that he is not ok with it and that it needs to be changed.  If she fights him on it then just say that your lawyer will be contacting the school directly - if you do not have one then just tell her that he will contact the school directly and do it in writing with certified letter.  Just do not get into a debate of it or try to tell her that it should be his name because you will not win the argument - just state it as fact.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • No, she can't legally change it without BF's permission.  The school should have the child registered under their legal name.

    Most schools are adapted to blended family situations and deal with non-matching last names between parent & child(ren) all the time.  Most parents are used to it too.  My boys have a different LN than I do and the school has no problem with it. 

    The only thing that happened with other parents is that I was emailed a b-day party invitation to the A__ family (my LN) when my boys' LN is B___.

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  • BM tried to register SD with her new husband's last name and the school wouldn't let her because it didn't match her birth certificate. I don't know how you can legally change a minor's name, the rules might be different in different states. If DH's name is on the birth certificate then I would think BM would require his signature before legally changing SD's name. Your DH needs to send a copy of the CO to the school so they are aware of the situation and he should email BM about it and have her correct it or file contempt charges.

  • She doesn't have any grounds to do it legally. Your H might consider asking her how it happened, because it could have been kind of accidental. Someone might have spoken with her H and just made an incorrect assumption.

    But if it's important to your H, then it should be corrected. 

    I doubt there are any legal ramifications beyond confusion and delays in maybe correcting the information. She cannot legally change your SD's name.. her H would have to adopt your SD.

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  • No she can't change it with out his permission. BM tried to do that with SS at school too and we addressed the issue directly with her and the school. SS has her maiden name and she was shocked when we found out. I couldn't believe she would think that we wouldn't know with DH being 100% involved in SS's life! Ugh... Some women amaze me... Ironically she got served divorce papers from him shortly after it happened... If anything we would like SS to have at least one parents last name, and BM is getting married again next month so I am hoping we can do this before he gets to HS to make things easier for him... It was tough having my dads last name when he wasnt in the picture and my mom had a different name too so when I wanted to do things as a teen it was near impossible to prove she was my mom to satisfy who needed to know...
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