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Pregnant after a Loss
need some advice - SIL miscarried @ 5 months & now preggers again.
Ok ladies. This isn't about me, it's actually about my SIL. And maybe i'm posting this in the wrong section..but she is in a bit of a rough situation and I am just completely speachless on how to help console her. In late 2008 she was diagnosed with endometriosis and was devistated. As the youngest of 6 kids..and the only one without kids of their own - she wanted a big family of her own - and now didn't know if she would ever... She had a surgery done that supposedly helped the endometriosis. RIght after the surgery.. I would say within weeks. She ended up pregnant with her and her hubbys first child. In may of this year she was 5 months pregnant with their son Benjamin. She had been through a rough pregnancy already with bleeding and so on. At about 23 weeks she went into early labor and they could not stop it.. She had been bleeding and ended up giving birth to Ben. Unfortunately he only lived about 3 hours as he wasn't far enough along for dr's to even do anything. So she literally got to watch her son die in her arms. We felt HORRIBLE! With going through a miscarriage myself (only at 12 weeks though) i could not imagine the pain and suffering. We had a funeral for him and had to watch her bury her own baby.
Just about 2 weeks ago (sept 09) she found out they were pregnant again. She was thrilled!! But the problem is she is still grieving hard over Ben. She is so scared that she is going to lose this baby too. It's like she wants to be happy for the new baby but at the exact same time still has such a hard time missing Ben. Especially since Ben original due date was like the week before she found out she was pregant with the 2nd. So it's like she wants to be excited for baby #2 (which they were TTC).. but at the same time realize that they should be experiencing the first weeks of Bens life with him and all that comes with that. So she is having a really hard time and I just don't how to make her feel better. She has a hard time seeing the good side of things and is definately one of those people that always looks at the worst possibility. Her hubby gets frustrated because all she will talk about is how there is a really high chance that they will lose another child and how she doesn't know how she will deal with that if it happens. She is just in a really hard spot right now and I don't know what I can do for her. Its like I want to tell her it will all be ok... but she knows the realities of things. I feel horrible and just am looking for some advice on how to help her from people that have been through similar situations or know someone who has. Thanks in advance.
Me-26,
DH-29,
Together since '99,
Married 6-20-09,
M/C @ 10 weeks '03,
DS#1: 6,
DS#2: Stillborn @ 39 weeks due to umbilical cord accident
5.29.11: TTC #3
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This discussion has been closed.
Re: need some advice - SIL miscarried @ 5 months & now preggers again.
I understand your SILs fears. I had an emergency c-section at 30weeks and my daughter-Samantha only lived for 5 days after her birth. So i know how horrible it is to bury your baby. I am 12 weeks pregnant now...and due 3 days before Samanthas original EDD was. I am terrified that something will happen to this baby too.
My only advice to you is to just be there for her. This is going to be very hard for her and her husband. Understand that she has every right to be scared and recommend her to come get support on SAL. The people here have really helped me through all of this and I couldn't do it without them!
hope this helps!
I'm so sorry for your sister's loss. It's heartbreaking to lose a baby so late in the pregnancy. We also lost ours at 5 months (23 weeks) due to PPROM and it was devastating for us and in all honesty it still is. I think about it everyday, and can't help but think that it could happen again. But I force myself to think positively. This is a new baby, a new miracle that has been given to us. Try to encourage your sister to look at this new baby with an open mind. The fact that she was able to get pregnant so fast is a great sign that this pregancy will last the whole 9 months!!
She may not be able to talk to high risk as of yet, but it all depends on her dr. Another thing I would suggest is some therapy? Sometimes it helps to vent or talk to someone outside of the family. Just be there for her, like I'm sure that you have. Good luck and keep us posted- you can PM me if you want to talk further.
(jumping over from PAL) I am so sorry for your family's loss. I think this is way beyond your ability to give advice to her--or even her DH's ability to provide support. If she is not already in professional counseling, please try and get her to go. See if her DH can get a referral from her OB of someone in her area who specializes in grief counseling and anxiety. I think it will help her see the joy in her life.
She is very lucky to have you as a sister!
That's so sad. A girl on this board had a VERY similar situation.
I think most of us feel sad about our lost little ones still. And alot of us feel guilty about being excited about our new pregnancies.
I think the only advice I can give is to make sure she knows that Ben isn't forgotten. That you all love him and still think about him. And just let her talk whenever she wants to for as long as she wants.
This is a sad and very tough situation. Unfortunately once you have lost a child (as I'm sure you're aware of) pregnancy loses it's shine. It is nearly impossible to be "excited" after a loss and it is once of the scariest times in a woman's life.
My advice to you would be to celebrate small milestones with her and just be there for her as much as she wants you there. She will definitely need someone like you to talk to - it sounds like you are a great friend so I suggest just being there for her.
Having lost my daughter 31 hours after she was born and then being pregnant 6 months later I can relate. I am so sorry for your SIL and your family. The best advice I have for you is to listen to her when she needs to vent and don't judge her. Her whole pregnancy might be difficult and full of anxiety and pain. It is natural for her to think she might lose this one, too. I hope she has a good and understanding doctor and has recieved some counciling or attended a support group. The combination of these things has been a life saver for me.
She might have a few freak outs along the way so just listen and also don't forget Ben. She will be comparing this pregnancy to her last pregnancy the whole time. I also still think about my daughter and miss her all the time even though I am happliy expecting again.
I was in a similar situation. My son Isaac was born full term and died 16 minutes after he was born. His birthday is next week.
Truthfully, as much as you want to help fer feel better, it is probably not what she needs. Telling her everything will be okay... that's tough. You don't know that it will be, and to be honest, maybe it won't be.
Being pregnant again after giving birth to a baby who died is RIDICULOUSLY difficult. It's confusing. It's hard to be excited and hopeful. You try to balance being hopeful with the deep ache of missing the baby you've lost. You worry about what could go wrong. You worry about how to be a good mom to the new baby when you're still deeply longing for the one you've lost. It is really, really hard.
I think some things that would be good are to reassure her that just because she's pregnant again, you haven't forgotten about Ben. Allow her the space to continue to gireve... people don't "get over" the loss of a child. The incorporate it into their lives and move forward. I don't think that you ever finish grieving... it just looks different in different seasons of life. Understand that she may react differently to pregnancy than most "normal" people who are pregnant, and allow her to do things and prepare in her own time. Let her know it's okay to still miss Ben... because it is. ANd she will... for a long, long time.
Asking her what SHE needs would be a good thing, too. It helps to taking the guessing out of it.
HUGE thanks to EVERYONE that replied!! You helped out a ton. I will definately keep being there for her and actually I just wrote her today to see how she was doing. Please keep her in your prayers that things go well for her!
Thank you!