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Advice Needed. WWYD? Re: A friend visiting tonight...

Bandy514Bandy514 member
in Infertility

Ok, so where we go to church, there are a group of ladies that get together and visit other women at least once a month and we all take turns visiting each other, just to say Hello, make sure everyone is ok, if they need anything, etc.

Well, I haven't had a visitor in a long time (2+ years), but one of the women called me last week to set up a time to visit me and she is coming tonight. I don't know her all too well, but she seems nice.

Here's the deal though - we haven't been at church regularly in quite a while and I know she's going to ask me why and if everything is ok. All of the women that we go to church with are stay at home moms and have at least 3 children or more, and to tell you the truth, I really want to just say, "Look, I'm infertile and when I go to church I see a ton of babies, young children and alot of pregnant women and it makes me feel like a failure and to make matters worse, I feel invisible as well, since we dont' have any children, nobody talks to me or DH". Also, we are a very, very family oriented congregation so many of the sermons and the lessons that are given are about families and teaching your children, etc., etc.

But, I don't want to freak her out or come off as offensive at all. I just want to tell the truth, but without it sounding weird. I'm pretty sure people know that something is wrong and they just don't know what to say...we've been married almost 5 years with no kids. What do you think?

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Re: Advice Needed. WWYD? Re: A friend visiting tonight...

  • AnasaraAnasara
    Would you be comfortable talking to her about your IF?  If so, I think that honesty about your true feelings would be best.  Maybe you could ask her or your pastor about setting up a group for couples like you & your DH who are dealing with IF?  Many times clergy take for granted their membership's fertility as much as anyone else; they may be unaware that their sermons make you feel invisible.
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  • Bandy514Bandy514 member

    I think I am starting to get more comfortable talking about our IF.  I already talked to our pastor and all he had to say was that I needed to be more outgoing with people and be "happy with where my life is right now - the blessings will come - and they might not come in the time and how you always want them - be patient", so obviously, that didn't go over well. That's on the same lines of all of that other crap people tell you about it will happen when God wants you to have a baby, relax, etc. I am happy where our life is right now, but I still get unhappy when I realize that we've been trying for almost 3 years!!! I had to do everything to hold back the tears when he was saying that to me.

    I am 99% sure that DH and I are the only couple dealing with IF in our congregation. Someone got up the other day and said that we have over 100 children between the ages of 1 and 11!!!

    Thanks for your advice.

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  • Hope40bHope40b
    Sigh.  I'm so tired of keeping IF in the closet.  Of course, the flip side to being open and honest with people is the annoying responses you get in return.  But then at least you have done what you can to explain your situation and your feelings, and you've given people the opportunity to understand where you are coming from.  I say be honest and tell her about it.  And who knows? Maybe down the road another couple in your church will be dealing with IF, and they'll be able to turn to you for guidance (and inspiration when they see you with your children!).
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  • close2itclose2it

    If you feel comfortable telling her about your IF struggles, I do so just like you said it here.  I have had many situations like this and can't help but wonder if they'd treat me different if they knew what I'd been through. 

    Of course, there are always the idiots who you open up to and still act ignorantly.  If you do open up, I guess be prepared for either reaction.

    GL with this and your IF journey.

    TTC since 05 :( Dh diagnosed with azoospermia. Unsuccessful reconstructive surgery in 07-08. IVF w/ ICSI #1: BFP! 1 strong heartbeat and 1 lost twin @ 2nd U/S...bittersweet Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
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  • Dragonfly1226Dragonfly1226 member
    I think that if you don't mind people knowing (or would rather them know the truth than try to guess) then you should come clean. I don't know if she would understand the part about not wanting to be around all of the families. I think that's tough for any fertile to understand. You could try though. Best of luck!
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    After months of being postponed or cancelled, FET #1.3 (Natural FET) brought us twin girls!

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