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Working Moms
trinny
member
night-time parenting?
trinny
member
in Working Moms
How do you share resp at night? Right now it is all me--this was ok when DD was up once a night, but now that she is up more like 3 times, it isn't working anymore. DH says I can get him up anytime I need, but that usually doesn't work so well since the perception is she is my resp and he is just a resource.
I think he finally understands I am sleep deprived and it is starting to impact work. I think we just need a better action plan.
I'd esp like to hear from bf'ers.
TIA!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: night-time parenting?
When she's getting up, are you feeding her every time? Are you pumping so that there are bottles on hand?
First, though, if she used to STTN but is now waking up 3 times - something tells me she doesn't really NEED to get up 3 times. Initially, w/ DS, we started dealing w/ his multiple wakeups by going in, changing the diaper if necessary, and then pretty much putting him right back down. Engaged him as LITTLE as possible and just tried to be quiet and quick. W/in 3 nights- he was sleeping through his first wake up.
In time, we did the same for the other wake-up and eventually he ws sleeping through that too.
That's the first thing I would work on- try to get her back to not waking up so much.
But beyond that, back to the question - if you are NOT feeding her, then stop getting up. make your DH do it. Seriously. Don't be the martyr on this. He might THINK he's just the resource, but make him realize he isn't. He's the dad, he's just as much a caretaker as you are.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
When I bf'd I had to be the one getting up. But she slept in a crib in our room so it would wake him too. Once I fed her, he'd rock her back to sleep or change her or whatever. Once I was bottle feeding, he'd readily get up. He can get by on a lot less sleep than I can. If I don't sleep, I will get sick. That's all there is to it. He can sleep 4 hours at night and be fine all day.
Our agreement at first was before 2am was his and after 2am was mine. That way we didn't have to keep straight who got up last time. My girl was a good sleeper though so we switched to if she stayed up late, he'd sit up with her but if she woke in the night I'd get up with her. It worked for us.
Could you pump a bottle or 2 so that he could take a nighttime feeding? I found putting the monitor on DH's side of the bed helped too. He's a hard sleeper and I'm a light one. It helped him hear it better so he could voluntarily get up.
We started FF about a month after I went back to work. DH and I alternated nights.
I do see the point of just starting sleep training now. Training DH that he needed to get up in the middle of the night was actually almost as difficult as training DS that he needed to sleep.
I usually send DH in first and he'll try to get him back down with a paci/rocking, etc.
If he's still up and wants to eat, then he brings him to me and I feed in bed.
Now he's back down to STTN or just up once, so I usually just get up, but you do have to split those stages where they wake up a lot.
And you don't have to go to formula if you don't want. They WILL sleep eventually.
It was really hard when I was BFing. Pretty much I got up to feed her, but I kept her in our room until she was STTN. If it was a really bad night, I brought her into bed with me. If DH complained about it, he was free to go sleep in the guest room. LOL!
If I couldn't get her to go back to sleep and she'd already eaten, that was when I woke him up and told him it was his turn.
I used to also go to bed really early and leave most of the housework for him b/c I would be getting up more at night. He was ok with at. Sometimes I just gave him a bottle and asked him to handle the last feeding of the night so that I could get some good sleep in.
Well, until DS was 7 months old he slept in our bed with us. He was up every 1-1.5 hours and I needed to sleep. With him in our bed, he could get the milk/comfort he wanted and I could get the sleep I needed. It is the ONLY way I got through those first 7 months.
Once he was able to roll himself off the bed, we started transitioning him into the crib. He'd start the night in the crib, and then at some point would wake up, not want to go back into the crib, and end up in our bed. Around 10-11 months he was sleeping in his crib all night. HOWEVER, he was still up 2-4 times a night, and I did every waking. I could get him back to bed in 5 minutes, where it would have taken DH 2-3 times as long.
I know that's not really what you're looking for, but what REALLY helped in the sleep department was "8am weekends". DH and I would each get 1 morning to sleep until 8am. I'd still do the night wakings, but once DS was up for the day, DH would keep him entertained until at least 8. It really wasn't that much more sleep, but it made all the difference in the world.
FWIW, DS did not once, ever sttn until he was 13 months. Then it was like a switch went off, and with a few exceptions for teething, he's sttn every night since!
When DD was a newborn we would both get up, and DH would change her diaper then I would nurse her and put her back down to sleep. Once she got older and wasn't pooping so often we could let her sleep in a big cloth diaper for the night, and so I got up with her on my own. DH is a SAHD so when I went back to work I did the nighttime parenting because I figured he did all the daytime stuff so it was my "turn" at night, plus I also relished the extra time I got to spend with her.
After DD got older than 6 months, and we quit swaddling her, and she started waking more often, we moved to bed-sharing so that we could all get more sleep. We would put her down to bed in her crib at 7-8pm or so, then at her first waking, sometime between 10pm-1am, we would bring her into our bed for the night. That worked well for quite awhile, and she would usually STTN in our bed till morning. It was a great way to actually get some sleep. Plus she was so cozy to snuggle up to!
Also, I was (and still am) bfing, so until she and I started not needing/wanting to nurse for comfort/convenience/falling asleep, it seemed easiest on everyone for me to be the one in the first line of duty for her at night.
Once she was about 18-19 months old, we were thinking of transitioning her back into her crib full-time, but for a few reasons we pushed it off, mostly (a) we had gotten used to not having to get up at all in the night and didn't like the idea of having to go through a few weeks of rough nights to transition, and (b) we were going to be taking a 2 week trip overseas soon during which we would probably bed-share for convenience, and which would probably toss any sleep changes we had made out the window, so we waited till after that.
Now DD (2 years) sleeps in her big girl bed, and usually only wakes once and sometimes not till 4-5am. Before bed DH and I discuss the plan of action for night wakings--usually we alternate nights to take the first waking, and if she wakes up multiple times, we take turns. DH doesn't like having to get up, but he does it now anyway--the fact that we have a way to divvy it up makes it seem more fair and not too big a burden on either of us over the course of a few nights.
I still bf her when I get up with her, but she is fine with not bfing if I am not the one up with her (although she usually asks for me if DH goes in, and fusses a little when it's not me).
So anyway, that's my story. Hope it was helpful hearing our experience.
Could your DS be teething, leading to the night wakings?
I would ask DH to go and get DS from his crib when he cried so I could nurse him. Once he nursed he just went back to sleep and if we woke up again he was there in the bed so it made it a little easier.
Can you come home and get a nap? That helped for me but we worked a weird schedule.
It's all me. I bf'd for almost a year so it was pretty much a given that I would get up if DS got up. He did sttn at around 9 months, but has regressed in the last month or so (molars have really thrown things off). He now usually gets up at around 11 pm and may get up one other time. DH has tried to soothe him during these times, but there's no point. DS wants me. He will get hysterical if DH goes in and then I eventually have to get up anyway. No point in both of us getting up (not to mention I hate seeing DS get so worked up at this time of night).
DS gets up very early (5:30-6:00 am). The trade off is that DH goes in and gets him and gets his morning bottle ready. DS is fine with DH getting him in the morning. He then brings him into bed with us. It's not a big deal, but it is nice to know that at 5:30 when he cries, I can just lay in bed.
A lot of times on the weekends DH will just get him and give him his morning bottle in the living room and play with him so that I can get a few extra hours of sleep. It's not perfect, but it works for us.
Ugh, this is a sore spot for me right now. I think DD is going to cut a tooth really soon. Last night she was fussing/crying in her crib about an hour after I fed her. I knew she wasn't hungry so DH got up to try to quiet her down and get her back to sleep. He gave up after a couple of minutes and came back to bed while she was still crying and said he didn't know what to do. I was PO'ed. I had to get up again to get her to quiet down, and she did without much effort. It's so frustrating. He doesn't respect my sleep like I respect his, and it really irritates me because I get less sleep than he does since I'm BFing and she's up a couple times a night.
Him taking one of the night feedings is just not an option. We've tried a couple times for him to give her a bottle of milk but she has been refusing the bottle from a lot of people lately and he's one of them. On the weekends, he usually gets up with her when she's up for the day and lets me sleep, but by the end of the week I'm usually dragging.
Meg-- OMG! My DH did the EXACT SAME THING last night! I had just fed her and she was awake. He tried to put her down for like 10 min then puts her in her crib still awake and comes back to bed saying she won't go to sleep. uh-- yeah that's why she needs you to put her to bed! I'm so pissed right now.
Thanks for all your suggestions. I waver on sending DH in b/c sometimes I can get her right back to sleep an sometimes him going in just works her up and makes it harder on me the next time. And of course i can hear her screaming, so it isn't exactly restful for me anyway...
The feeding isn't really a problem. I wouldn't care at all if he woke me up to feed her and then he put her to bed, but that's not what is happening.
ETA-- she may be teething. she woke up a lot when her bottom 2 came in, but this seems a little different.
I have also read HSHHC and love the advice-- she hardly naps at daycare, which i def think is contributing to all this...
Because I BF, most of the night time parenting falls to me. (knock on wood, he is STTN finally) However, once I established that he didn't actually need to eat rather than nurse for comfort (probably around 7-8 months) I developed a system. Basically, I figured that he could go 5 hours without a feeding. Then if he woke up before those 5 hours were up, I'd let him cry for about 5 minutes to see if he would put himself back to sleep. About half the time that would work, if it didn't work, then I would give DH a swift kick in the leg and tell him go in there. If I didnt' do that, he would never volunteer to get up. I would just point blank tell him to get his azz in there; he never refused to go if I asked/told him to go. Most men (if they know whats good for them) aren't going to refuse to step up to the parenting plate, they just aren't going to be the first ones to jump out of bed without any prompting. GL!
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