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Advice on MIL situation? (long and lots of drama)

MixiePixieMixiePixie
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Seven weeks yesterday I found out about the m/c.  DH called his mom that night and told her and said she was crying very hard.  She called and left me a message the day after my D&C and said if I wanted to talk I could call her.  We thought that was a bit strange, because my parents and sister dropped everything and drove hundreds of miles to be with us - ILs live half an hour away.  No one else in DH's family reached out to us at all, not his brothers or grandparents.  None of them said anything until DH called them to ask if they even knew, and my one BIL was actually quite horrid.  (A long, separate story.)

My birthday was four weeks later and I got a card from DH's parents and grandparents.  Three more weeks after that, I got a message from my MIL yesterday.  She left me a very long, rambling message and was crying through it.  She told me a story about how when my husband was still young, she had a baby girl that died after three days of pneumonia.  When that happened she just locked herself in her room and didn't want to talk to anyone for a long time, so she said she didn't know what to do when we had our loss.

Here is my feeling.  What is done is done, and I don't want to keep having to relive the pain of what happened.  I understand that sometimes people have shiitty reactions to a m/c or dont know what to say.  Yes, DH's entire family failed us in our time of need.  Yes, she could have done things differently - not that I was expecting a parade, but how do you not go to your son's house to hug him when he calls you crying??  My BIL, the one that was so awful to us after the m/c, had a baby a couple months ago, so DH and I literally came to think that they just didn't care about our baby because they already had one grandchild and ours would have just been its cousin.

I want to call her because we haven't spoken to her, and she clearly is very upset and knows she hurt us.  DH is blase about it and said he doesn't intend to talk to her.  Any advice?  I don't want any drama to continue.  Yes, there were hurt feelings, but what she did is about her, it's not about me, and it wasn't about the lost baby.  I just don't know what to say.  Part of me wants to let her know that she made it seem like she didn't care, but part of me thinks that will just continue the BS.

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Re: Advice on MIL situation? (long and lots of drama)

  • jhasseltjhasselt member

    Honestly, not to be harsh, but my parents live across the road and didn't come over when we had our miscarriage, it might be a totally different situation, but I've found that all people react differently.  My entire family (9 siblings) all live very close and I received a card, a phone call, and two emails, and one hug from my brother.  Other than that, I think they felt that we needed time to ourselves to grieve and come to terms with what happened. 

    I'm not trying to defend you MIL, because I'm not sure of the situation, but I would give her the benefit of the doubt.  It seems like in times like these no one can do the right thing, because there is no right thing.  My own Mom made comments that hurt me, and she had no idea! 

    I hope you can work it out!

    DS - 9/12/08 9 lbs 22.5 in.

    Natural M/C 9/21/09 at 8w 1d baby measured 6w 3d

    DS2 - 7/13/10 10 lb 2.5 oz. 21.5 in

    DD1 - 9/21/12 9 lbs 4 oz. 22.5 in 

    Baby #4 due Spring of 2014!

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  • ChicagoWeded2007ChicagoWeded2007 member
    I think you should forgive her.  I did not expect anyone to come over when we had our m/c.  And I certainly did NOT want to see anyone.  She called you and left a message with her condolences.  And said you could talk to her if you wanted to.  I think that's a normal response. Regarding the other people in the family, they probably just didn't know what you wanted from them.  Please try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

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  • MSC03MSC03 member

    Well, at least there's a reason for her erratic behavior. I think it would be fair to talk to her, forgive her, and gently know that you were hurt when she wouldn't let you know what was going on and that hopefully open communication can continue to keep hurt feelings in the future.

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  • roxyttandmeroxyttandme member

    My MIL is a rotten human being and we are breaking all ties with her. You can read about mine at: https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/23185286.aspx

    I understand how hurtful it can be to have the people you expect to be most supportive- basically turn their back on you. It really hurts. Perhaps you should just tell her how badly they have hurt you and DH. My MIL doesn't appear to have a clue of how she is at fault. She thinks that we need to be the ones that request support rather than her just giving it. Apparently, parents are always nutring people.

    I am really sorry you are hurting... GL!

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  • howleyshellhowleyshell member

    This may not make any sense to you but....  here goes:

    She's STILL grieving her own loss.

    Being that close to another loss probably brings it back in spades for her.

    The only thing worse than hurting like that for yourself is to know your child is experiencing that much pain. 

    Please try to be understanding that sometimes one's own pain makes it impossible to support others in the way they'd like to be supported.

    Her heart was in the right place.  She gave you what SHE needed when it happened to her - space and privacy.  She didn't think that you might need something different. 

     

    My first loss was over 4 years ago and it was an early one.  It still hits me REALLY hard when I hear of someone close to me having a loss.

    To have actually carried a child to term, held her, and had her die would probably have put me in an asylum. 

    I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for hers too.  Both that of her daughter AND her grandchild that you lost.  I'm sure she grieves them both more than you realize. 

    Our IF journey: 1 m/c, 1 IVF with only 3 eggs retrieved yielding Dylan and a lost twin, 1 shocker unmedicated BFP resulting in Jace, 3 more unmedicated pregnancies ending in more losses.
    Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
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  • Nikkicole007Nikkicole007 member

    I'm so sorry that you feel hurt by this situation. I hope you'll be able to feel some comfort soon.

    I think we just have to remember that everyone grieves differently. My parents/family handled our loss much differently then DH's parents/family. My inlaws called twice. That was it. It sounds like your MIL was very upset by your loss with all of the crying. Maybe she just didn't know how to handle it.

    I think howleyshell made some good points. It might help if you and your DH can get together with her and tell her the kind of support you need. Right now it sounds like she's trying to give you space and protecting the feeling of her own loss.

    I hope you can resolve it soon!

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  • vetvet
    First I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss.  Honestly though I have to say that I think your MIL behaved fine.  She let you know she was there if you wanted to talk and she later explained that she had suffered a loss herself.  Personally when I had my m/c the last thing I wanted was visitors..maybe she figured you and DH wanted to grieve alone as well, or maybe she knew your family was there and she didn't want to get in the way?  People handle loss differently.  I don't think she did anything to intentionally hurt you or DH.  I would let it go.
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  • MixiePixieMixiePixie
    Thank you everyone who responded.  I think a lot of it boiled down to what my therapist is always telling me - nothing other people do is because of you, it is because of their own life that they are living, so there is no point in taking anything personally.  This is a perfect example.  I spoke to my MIL yesterday for only 11 minutes.  We were able to talk and clear the air a bit, so that was helpful.  I'm not sure if DH will talk to her any time soon, he's trying to get past a lifetime of abuse and neglect and he sees this as just another way she let him down.  For myself, though, I feel as though I have made my peace with her.
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  • jhasseltjhasselt member

    imageMixiePixie:
    Thank you everyone who responded.  I think a lot of it boiled down to what my therapist is always telling me - nothing other people do is because of you, it is because of their own life that they are living, so there is no point in taking anything personally.  This is a perfect example.  I spoke to my MIL yesterday for only 11 minutes.  We were able to talk and clear the air a bit, so that was helpful.  I'm not sure if DH will talk to her any time soon, he's trying to get past a lifetime of abuse and neglect and he sees this as just another way she let him down.  For myself, though, I feel as though I have made my peace with her.

    I'm really glad you worked it out with her!  Hope DH can soon too! 

    DS - 9/12/08 9 lbs 22.5 in.

    Natural M/C 9/21/09 at 8w 1d baby measured 6w 3d

    DS2 - 7/13/10 10 lb 2.5 oz. 21.5 in

    DD1 - 9/21/12 9 lbs 4 oz. 22.5 in 

    Baby #4 due Spring of 2014!

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