In-laws spending time with the x-family...odd?
twinkl5379
member
Hi,
I haven't been on for a while but wanted to say that FI and I married 3 wks ago in Maui! It was beautiful, and we're both very happy that we've committed...hard times (and good times) to come for sure, but we're ready and willing to working them out.
Anyway, I'm curious for opinions on something I've learned about DH's brother and his family. I saw a post on Facebook by DH's sister-n-law saying that they spent Memorial Day weekend with my husband's x-wife and her extended family. In fact, they drove 4 hours away for this event. X-wife did have the kids that wknd, so I'm sure they wanted to see their nephews, but why would they go to the x's family to do so?
Just to clarify, it wasn't just spending time with the x and kids, it was her entire family. DH is not very happy about this at all; I think he feels betrayed by his own family. Plus, about a year ago he let his brother know that if his x-wife was still staying with them on the wknds, we wouldn't be staying there anymore (we found out x-wife had been there the wknd before we were). So he made his point and the brother didn't seem to have an issue with it.
Another odd thing is that DH said they never interacted with her family before, so he even thought that was really weird. And his x-wife and sister-n-law weren't even close when he was married to her. They were competitive with each other instead of friendly.
Not sure what I'm looking for in responses; just curious to see how you would feel.
Re: In-laws spending time with the x-family...odd?
Well, we (DH and I) still spend time with his ex-FIL. We'll go swimming at their pool or just stop by and chat. This is with or without the kids. I think our situation is a bit odd, but I appreciate that we get along so well.
That being said, if DH is NOT okay with this, then I would find it very weird. My IL's and DH's ex-IL's do not get along at all. They never have. They do still spend time with BM occasionally, but it is usually during drop offs and the like.
Staying the weekend and what not would definitely bother me, especially if DH was not cool with it. Not sure I have any solutions for you, but communication and understanding on both sides of this would be the key.
Can I ask how long they were married, and how soon after they split you appeared on the scene?
It may be about the kids, it may just be they know her better. Are they otherwise kin, welcoming and nice to you? If so, I don't see too much harm.
Congrats on the wedding!
This does sound odd to me, but I don't know all the details here. I would say that maybe they have just remained close even after the divorce. My MIL still talks to DH's 1st wife, they are friendly and are on good terms and have been for years and I'm fine with that. But I'm not sure that your situation is like that, sounds like the families weren't at all close before. It's one thing if it makes you feel odd, but if your DH doesn't like this or is uncomfortable about it, then it really is odd. He needs to talk with his family, he certainly can't choose who they want to speak to but he should let them know that this makes him uncomfortable, maybe they don't fully realize it. My guess is though they are doing this to be with the kids.
We have this situation as well. Certain members of my boyfriend?s family are really close with his ex-wife. I think it would be weird but fine if they didn?t pick one side over the other, but in our situation, the family is siding with the ex instead of their own blood. That?s WRONG because my boyfriend didn?t do anything to deserve that.
I would say if your DH isn?t okay with his family being that tight with the ex, that def creates bad blood and stressful situations. Why can?t his own family respect his feelings?????
I see my XH's family sometimes. His dad & SM went out to dinner with us (DH, me, 3 boys) right before they moved to OK. They no longer talk to XH and arrange for visits with the boys (their grandkids) through DH & I.
I get together with a couple of XH's cousins on his mom's side occasionally too. We were really close when I was younger, while married to XH. A while after we divorced, he asked me to stay away because the relationships were getting conflicted. I chose to back away for a couple years, but then he burned those relationships on his own by lying and screwing them all over financially. His cousins started calling me and wondering why we didn't talk. I told them about XH's request and they thought it was pretty stupid.
Still, I know there are boundaries and I don't talk about XH with his cousins. It's generally easy enough to steer the conversations in a different direction if something comes up.
PHOTOS REMOVED
To answer one of the?s, DH and I started dating very soon after his split with X so they may not like me or like that we happened to be getting married the same wknd this event occurred...I don't really know.
DH spoke with his Dad today, and even he thinks it was wrong of his brother to do this. He's not happy about it although he is fair and doesn't want his sons to have issues with each other, I think he realizes why DH feels betrayed.
And we feel like they'll say "it was to see the kids," but if they really want to see them, then they would've made an effort to drive to our house when we have them on the wknds; they haven't come her to see them once since DH and I moved into this house, over a year ago.
Yet they drove the same distance (over 4 hrs) to spend time with DH's X-wife and her family. Just odd. He's going to call his brother and let him know how he feels. Oh, they've even missed the kid's birthday parties that we've thrown them over the past year.