AP Stance on Crying (Family Related)

NavyPilotWife · September 2009

What do you do when your LO is crying and your mom/MIL/SIL/etc. are holding them? Is there a set amount of time that you'll let them cry before you step in? Do offer suggestions to them? What do you do if they don't listen?

We're going to be seeing the ILs again in a few weeks and I'm not sure how to handle the crying situation. MIL is a pediatrician and is constantly giving me advice that doesn't fit with my AP style (as well as other comments that just annoy me). She also will dismiss things that I tell. Ex: DD needs to be changed-- she'll argue with me and tell me she doesn't. Luckily, DH stepped in and changed DD.

I want this visit to go as smooth as possible. I want DD to spend time with her grandparents, but I can't stand to see her cry. I know that people (MIL & my mom) get offended, when I take a crying DD from them. I try to give them ample time to soothe her.

I'm curious how other AP mamas deal with this. TIA!

fallbridequeen · September 2009

When DS used to cry like that while others held him, I would step in after a few minutes to help soothe him. I'd just say something like: "Awww, he wants his momma, come here baby boy..." I'm sure that other AP minded folks would do the same thing. You don't have to stand by and listen to your baby cry while someone else's attempts to soothe her are failing. I'm sure I offended a few people along the way, but it doesn't matter. You are the mama and you know what's best, right?

lkstor · September 2009

I'm usually OK if that person is trying SOMETHING to calm the baby - even if it's not what I would do or what I think he wants/needs. But if they are just ignoring baby with the "don't spoil him" attitude I would take him away. Use an excuse like "my breasts are leaking" since most people won't argue with that (LOL). I do think it's important for other family members to be able to read baby's signs and cries if possible.

ncbelle · September 2009

I don't really have a set amount of time. When he was younger especially I'd offer suggestions like "he likes it when you hold him like X." And if he didn't/doesn't settle in what feels like a reasonable amount of time (which I guess varies depending on what kind of cry he's got going and what might be wrong), I will take him. Comforting my baby is more important to me than stepping on toes.

I would suggest having a conversation with your DH before you go just to make sure you are on the same page. And if your MIL or whoever gives you advice or tries to do something that's not what you do, nicely say "DH and I do it this way.

And never feel bad about taking your baby!

eacabraham@gmail.com · September 2009

In general, if someone holding the baby when she cries is trying something reasonably likely to be effective, or asking me what they can do, it's possibly okay. IF the babe is hungry, they had better hand her over. If they're trying something ineffective (you'd be amazed how many people turn to singing grandma's favorite lullaby when the diaper starts to stink), I'm stepping right in. If they tell me she's just fussing because she's spoiled, there's a chance they'll never get to touch her again.

I do have a catalog of tactful lines. "Oh dear, my breasts are leaking" is generally quite effective. "I think she's a tad overstimulated." "She's had a pretty big day." "I'd better take her, she's not good with being passed around when she's tired."

Jelliebean1982 · September 2009

I've always given family the benefit of the doubt so that they can learn to soothe DD as well. I'd let them hold her while telling them what I usually do to calm her down. It's good for your baby to learn to be soothed by family members. However, if there's a need and they're not meeting it (like hunger, needing to be changed, or needing to go to sleep) and they're not meeting it I'd take her away in a heartbeat.

All women have a maternal instinct and like to soothe babies. It probably makes your mom and MIL feel awesome, like they still have their baby skills, when they can care for your child. My DD is a little bit older and I still love it when I can get a friend's little baby to go to sleep. It's like I still have that magic touch with babies.

ErinMSB · September 2009

ncbelle:

I don't really have a set amount of time. When he was younger especially I'd offer suggestions like "he likes it when you hold him like X." And if he didn't/doesn't settle in what feels like a reasonable amount of time (which I guess varies depending on what kind of cry he's got going and what might be wrong), I will take him. Comforting my baby is more important to me than stepping on toes.

I would suggest having a conversation with your DH before you go just to make sure you are on the same page. And if your MIL or whoever gives you advice or tries to do something that's not what you do, nicely say "DH and I do it this way.

And never feel bad about taking your baby!

This is exactly what I was going to say. Lean on DH if you need to to be the go-between. And jave fun! I'm sure you ILs are looking forward to getting to know your DC!

lkstor · September 2009

Jelliebean1982:
women have a maternal instinct and like to soothe babies. It probably makes your mom and MIL feel awesome, like they still have their baby skills, when they can care for your child. My DD is a little bit older and I still love it when I can get a friend's little baby to go to sleep. It's like I still have that magic touch with babies.

This is such a good point!

GypsyEsq · September 2009

Well I have to admit I failed miserably at this when MIL stayed with us after DD was born. The first night she was here she took DD so I could go to sleep (DD was still wide awake) and about 20 minutes later DD started crying. I knew it was her hungry cry and assumed (why, I don't know) that MIL would bring her to me. Instead she sang lullabies to her right outside my room (so if she was trying to help me sleep why bring the screaming baby and sing?). Anyway I finally just told DH (via text - gosh so passive aggressive) that DD was hungry and I needed her. After that I basically never let MIL hold her and they (the ILs) left early. So ya, don't do what I did. I should have (a) gotten DD myself and said something along the lines of "she's hungry", (b) given DD to MIL other times when DD was content and (c) discussed how things would go with DH before his mother arrived. Because I was so new at parenting and BFing I feel like I both over and under-reacted. In some ways having her here helped confirm my AP leanings. I do not like listening to my DD cry and if there's something I can do I'll do it to soothe her - while MIL was here she repeatedly accused me of letting DD nurse "all the time" just to keep her quiet. Whatever.

Good luck to you! As my DD gets older and I get more comfortable in this role I have less tolerance for other people's parenting opinions. I know, instinctively, that I'm doing the right thing for her.

NDwife07 · September 2009

lkstor:
I'm usually OK if that person is trying SOMETHING to calm the baby - even if it's not what I would do or what I think he wants/needs. But if they are just ignoring baby with the "don't spoil him" attitude I would take him away. Use an excuse like "my breasts are leaking" since most people won't argue with that (LOL). I do think it's important for other family members to be able to read baby's signs and cries if possible.

I totally do this and it works every time.

schmoodle · September 2009

I don't have an issue w/ MIL b/c (a) she lives far away and (b) she's naturally kinda AP, when she was here when DS was tiny and he'd cry she'd immediately start doing stuff to calm him that usually worked. My mom, however, will sometimes just hold him and look at him like she thinks it's cute, and if that's the case I tell her to give him to me and just say "we don't let him cry" (to which she responds "what if he just wants attention" - which doesn't strike me as a bad thing!). Good luck!

PaisleyDuke · September 2009

ncbelle:
I don't really have a set amount of time. When he was younger especially I'd offer suggestions like "he likes it when you hold him like X." And if he didn't/doesn't settle in what feels like a reasonable amount of time (which I guess varies depending on what kind of cry he's got going and what might be wrong), I will take him. Comforting my baby is more important to me than stepping on toes.
I would suggest having a conversation with your DH before you go just to make sure you are on the same page. And if your MIL or whoever gives you advice or tries to do something that's not what you do, nicely say "DH and I do it this way.
And never feel bad about taking your baby!

Ditto this! It also depends on the person. My mom can usually calm him; my dad and MIL, not so much. But I never feel bad about taking my upset little guy because his needs come first.

LyndsayQ · September 2009

At your LO's age, I stepped in fairly quickly. Now that she's older I wait a little longer, but not much. It really depends on who is holding her though; in-law's I step in faster, my family I tend to let it go a few min longer.

cindy453 · September 2009

I step in pretty quickly. I hate to hear her cry!

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