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MIL issues - am I being unreasonable?

QuirksterQuirkster
in Babies: 9 - 12 Months

So my IL's recently moved from Oregon to California (where we live) to be closer to DD.  We have recently had "issues" but have tried to resolve them with better communication, etc.  They are very pushy know-it-alls, full of advice, and very judgmental...but they are also very affectionate, loving, and eager to be involved in DD's care.  

So they told DH that they wanted they wanted to visit us on Wednesday...I told DH to tell them that since I work full time, the days I have off (which happen to be Wednesday) I usually reserve it just for DD for quality "alone" time with her to go to the park, music class, etc...so a better time would be on Saturday when DH will be home and we can have dinner together.  I actually called them and left a message to invite them over on Saturday instead.  Well, I just heard from my mother (they are friends) that MIL feels that I was insensitive to tell them to come on Sat instead of Wednesday since they just moved down the past week and I need to make time for other people not just my family.  Then she went on to say that maybe I was spoiled as a child and all I know is to take from people and not give...

Should I just suck it up and let them come over since they just moved down?  The reason I didn't is because I didn't want to sacrifice my alone time with DD and in all honesty I still held some resentment over past issues with the women and hate to be alone with her and figured inviting her over with DH on Saturday.  I feel like I can't win.

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Re: MIL issues - am I being unreasonable?

  • kada626kada626 member
    Hell no, don't let them come over early. Now is the time to set your boundaries! Also, she's a mega b!tch to say you might of been spoiled! Good luck!
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  • preg_amypreg_amy

    imageQuirkster:
    Then she went on to say that maybe I was spoiled as a child and all I know is to take from people and not give...

    I can understand most of it... except that.

    I think it's great that they want to be so involved, but yeah, that would cause a problem for me.  I'd say, stay firm on the Saturday plans.

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  • mieuxmieuxmieuxmieux member

    I agree with you. You need your time with your DD. They will have plenty of time in the future with her. Just because they moved down near your family doesn't mean they should be able to come over whenever it is convenient for them and not for you.

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  • Sunny1inTucsonSunny1inTucson

    Sure you could have let her come on a Wed, but then you have to deal with her alone. Not ideal, but you could have done it. Regardless, it was your polite request to do it on Sat instead. That way DH will be there....and it's a friggin' 3 day difference.

    It was her choice to react passive aggressively to your request by calling your mom and b!tching her out, knowing full well that info will make it back to you.

    All in hopes of getting you to cave to Wed.

    Because of how she responded, I would stick with Sat. :)

    If you want to play nice (I mean, they did move recently to be closer to DD even if she's freaking annoying), you could meet for lunch on Wed, but maybe have something like a dr. appt scheduled afterwards so that it doesn't run too long and you still have "alone time" with DD.

    But really those were some pretty rude things to say. I might stick with Saturday. And perhaps DH should have a talk with the mother?? Or just ignore it, I dunno.

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  • sarrahssarrahs
    imagemieuxmieux:

    I agree with you. You need your time with your DD. They will have plenty of time in the future with her. Just because they moved down near your family doesn't mean they should be able to come over whenever it is convenient for them and not for you.

    This -  totally. Unfortunately, now is when you set the standard - as hard as it might be. I am the same way with my alone time with DS - and feel that I have every right to be. So do you.

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  • PlannedChaosPlannedChaos
    Well, in my opinion you are being a little selfish about the Wednesday time - I mean...they DID move to be closer, and you do have all day, surely you could give them a couple of hours.  BUT- I wouldn't want to entertain my ILs without my DH, so, I understand why you would prefer Saturdays.  Maybe make an exception the first time, but then make it a family tradition to do lunch together on Saturdays or something?
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  • theganthegan
    I had to be kind of rude with my MIL because we don't get along, and I didn't want to be stuck with her without SO.  It took a while, but now she only comes on his days off.  I'd stick with what you said.  I don't think it's unreasonable to want him there since it's his family. 
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  • Mrs.HizzoMrs.Hizzo member
    imageQuirkster:

      Then she went on to say that maybe I was spoiled as a child and all I know is to take from people and not give...

    I totally snorted when I read that. You mean she actually said that to your mother?

     You aren't being unreasonable. It's your house, your child, your life, and you don't owe her an explaination for why you prefer Sat. to Wed., it should be enough that you just do and asked them politely to accommodate your wishes. She needs to get over herself.

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  • QuirksterQuirkster

    Thanks for the input.  Sometimes I know I can hold a grudge over past indiscretions and be petty without knowing it...but I am more apt to be firm with my choice after what she said.  There were other things that she said that I haven't mention.  But the funny thing is that I recently tried to make peace with her and called and apologize about a misunderstanding and she and I agreed that we need to communicate better and honesty is always the best route...I guess she changed her mind.  She's really passive aggressive and my poor mother was just taken aback and actually tried to defend me...of course in a way not to offend MIL. We use to have a good relationship until I had DD.  

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  • megd06megd06 member
    better to set those boundaries now than later...she sounds like a real treasure.
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  • megd06megd06 member

    imagePlannedChaos:
    Well, in my opinion you are being a little selfish about the Wednesday time - I mean...they DID move to be closer, and you do have all day, surely you could give them a couple of hours.  BUT- I wouldn't want to entertain my ILs without my DH, so, I understand why you would prefer Saturdays.  Maybe make an exception the first time, but then make it a family tradition to do lunch together on Saturdays or something?

    I don't think that's selfish at all--and I for one would not want my in-laws--or my parents, for that matter--to move to be closer to us, not right now at least. We lived in the same state as my IL's for the last 4 yrs, and are just now "on our own" and we love it. DH actually said the other day no parents are "allowed" to move by us right now.

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