- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
destea1
member
vent: DH asks if I'm happy w/ my life. (long)
destea1
member
Admittedly I've been highly grumpy of the day to day of SAHM-ness for the past, oh, 3 months or so (ie: when I got pregnant w/ #2). I've been pretty sick and tired and the toddler chase 12 hour day requirements are tough. Before that I was a little burnt out on feeling like I take on a lot more of the kid-responsibility OUTSIDE of our 'working' hours.
Today DH (like usual) asked if he could go for his bike ride (1.5-2 hours usually, 2 to 3x a week). He also asked if my mom would be open to watching Sierra for a little while this weekend so he could ride (because I'm taking my FIRST weekend trip away in over 2 years with a girlfriend and he'll have her alone for 2 *whole* days.. seriously?). I guess it kinda pissed me off and my annoyed expression gave it away.
So he asks me if I'm happy. And I'm kind of stumped by the question, then it occurs to me, no, right now? No. I'm not very happy with my life. I'm expected to work 12 hour days, tidy up inbetween, grow a baby, have morning sickness, get groceries in the fridge and figure out a weekly meal and I'm struggling. He's suddenly working from home 3-4 days a *week* which completely screws up our routine and makes my days about 10x harder with DD (She wants to be with daddy, she knows he's here, the office is upstairs in our main living area where we spend a lot of our day because her room is really set up (or able to be set up) as a 'play' area. She flips out multiple times a day because she can HEAR him talking on the phone but he won't open the door. He comes out to get coffee, says hi, then leaves and she freaks out etc. It's really, really frustrating when he works from home, but he'd have to drive 45min each way to work if he went in, so I get why he stays here so many days when his new promotion allows for it. It's just harder on me.
Long story short, I get 'time off' (maybe 2 or 3 hours now and then) maybe twice a month it seems like. He gets that at least 2-3 - sometimes 4 days a week. Bike rides and one weekly 'guys beers' with a good friend of ours. I used to not really care, but now I'm burnt out, exhausted and a little resentful considering my lack of free time by comparison.
Not to mention his only daily 'chore' with DD is bath time because he loves it. So he's taken that on. Great, I get 20 minutes so I can cook dinner while he baths her. I'm getting increasingly blah about the lather, rinse, repeat of my daily life, and having such a lack of 'being myself/enjoy free time' is getting under my skin.
I'm still trying to explain this to him, and will again when he gets home tonight, and he always says "well just tell me when..." but it never seems to work out that way. I'm sure he's willing, but it NEVER pans out, we always go back to me getting maybe an hour once on the weekend when I'm so burnt out I go to him crying because I can't stand 5 more minutes without a personal time out.
I just don't know what else to do/say. I hope I'm increasingly BLAH about all of this due to just pregnancy hormones, because I think I used to enjoy staying home a lot more, but I can't remember. I'm just burnt the f' out. I really hope this weekend away helps open both of our eyes and gives me a much needed breather for some restoration.
Thanks if you made it this far....
This discussion has been closed.
Re: vent: DH asks if I'm happy w/ my life. (long)
I don't have a whole lot of advice. I'd venture a guess that most of the women on this board feel or have felt the same way as you (including myself) about taking on the majority of responsibility.
It's a good sign that your husband asked if you're happy - makes me think that he's at least a bit tuned in. But you probably need to be extremely direct with him when you answer that question. Tell him exactly what's bothering you and work out a plan where you have "you" time, whether it's 45 minutes every day, a few hours one or two days a week, whatever.
Brendan 06.30.08
c/p 02.26.10
I just wanted to send you a virtual hug. Without going into all the details of my own life, I can tell you that I understand and I'm not even pregnant with #2 right now. I know DH wants to be more helpful when he can be, but it just never works out that I get to feel as "free" as he does. It really suuucks. I end up spending a lot of time stewing, which is bad.
Anyway, I'm so sorry you feel this way. Is there any way you can hire a sitter for at least part of one of the days your DH works at home? That way the sitter can deal with the disruption while you enjoy some personal time. It may sound like a luxury, but a sitter is probably a lot cheaper than marriage counseling or therapy (at least that's how I look at it).
first of all... (((hugs))). if i lived closer we'd be going out for kid-free once weekly sparkling cider.
second of all, i just spent the past 2 days home with dd while dh took a backseat and worked on his own stuff. and after two days i was exhausted! i told my dh how amazed i am at the sahm's on the nest who are also pregnant. because i think i might collapse. so it seems to me like everything you are feeling is normal. you're not asking for a lot, just time and sanity.
finally, your H needs to step it up. when i get home from work dh always takes 15-20 minutes to just zone out and deescalate. we call it his "commute" where he doesn't have to be with dd or be taking care of her needs. after that we split all duties, cooking, dishes, clean up toys, bath time, and then we all get together for stories and saying night night. THEN, and only then are we both done for the day. i think he would seriously resent me if i came home from work and still expected him to do most of the childcare. that's just an unfair expectation.
ok, and really finally... i think you need a "you" appt. one day a week, morning noon or night, where you leave for a couple hours. yoga, walk on the beach, sitting in starbucks and reading. just leave. and he's responsible for sierra, no ifs, ands, or buts, no passing him off to your mom. all him. so he can get just a tiny taste of what it's like to spend a day in your shoes.
gl and hang in there. and the m/s WILL stop. i promise.
Hi. I rarely post, but I had to respond. My husband is also a cyclist. He rides Tues, Wed, and Thurs nights. Sat mornings, he rides from 7 until 11. Sundays, he usually rides for a couple of hours sometime during the day. I also work a lot, plus take care of our 15 month old. I'm exhausted. We've been arguing. I asked him to stay home all day Sat and hang out with us. He's going to be gone most of the day on Sunday at a cyclocross race.
I get your frustration .... especially with the biking. It gets old. Oh, I've also taken his Wed ride night. I now go to the gym on Mon and Wed nights and he takes care of our daughter.
wow. ((hugs))
First of all, you DEFINITELY need that break.
Second of all, he should man up a little more and help out more since you are pregnant and you can't do it all by yourself.
I'm frustrated for you - go ahead and have a cometojesus talk with him, it sounds like he needs a big dose of perspective.
Hang in there!
Can you set up some future dates to meet friends for dinner or shopping or a movie? Get the dates on the calendar and make the commitment for me time.
Is there any type of class you want to take once a week --yoga, some adult ed class (like a craft or something) just so you could do something for you!!
And if you are really tired, can DH take DD out right when he is done working at home and give you a few hours in the evening alone--even once in a while will help.
Good luck and keep on talking --sounds like you and your hubby at least acknowledge your frustration so just make sure you get some me time!!
I completely understand! I work from home, yet that work is limited with an active toddler. We are also closing on our house in a bit over 2 weeks. So, on top of my Mommy duties, working from home duties, wife duties and now packing duties, I've become an exhausted woman. Here's our routine...
DH sees DS for about 15-30 minutes before he leaves for work in the morning. They usually share cereal or something. When DH gets home from work, DS is pretty much his so that I can cook dinner. I try to escape and have me time or rather catch up on necessary work while DH is home and can occupy DS. However, with that being said, they always tend to follow me into the office/play room. I am excited that the new house will have an office with a door that is for Mommy and Daddy to work in only! No toys!
So, I think you just need to write down what you want and need. I think we think that our DH's will just get it. They will never get it if you ask me. I told DH that he needed to contact a garage door vendor while I was at the chiropractor this afternoon. An hour later I came home to an e-mail with the phone numbers, but he was too busy with DS to do it. I'm not going to give in and do this one for him. He has to learn to take control of some stuff around here! We are Mommy's, not Super Mommy's (even though we try to fake it!).
Hugs and good luck to you...things will get better!
I'm so sorry destea. Zombie hugs.
Seriously, though--I can't imagine running after P when this pregnancy progresses. I know it is going to be very hard, and I'm dreading when the m/s kicks in!! Hang in there.
As far as your DH goes, you already know that something needs to change. If you can't get away for several hours every week, you at least need some small activity (2-3 hours) to get away. I've said that before--my mom's night out every other week saves me. Otherwise, i start to feel cooped up and in general, crazy! I also agree with pp that your DH needs to see what it's like so he can appreciate all that you do, and not rely on his mom. I hope you guys can work out a better schedule soon.
EVERYTHING that cali said! If you are at all like me....yes DH is very willing, but its my fault it doesn't work out because i end up saying "ok forget it, i will just take care of brock" or i feel guilty about living.
stick to what you say....TELL DH what you are going to do....don't ask. Clearly he is not asking if his hours of bikerides are ok with you....
Again, thanks to everyone who read the whole thing and took the time to respond... I appreciate it. We're going to talk about it and hopefully come to some sort of solution ASAP. I hate feeling burnt out like this, I can't enjoy my precious time w/ DD when I'm like this and that's the real bummer.
Jenn: Thank you! I probably will sometime, but... haha, time to start dinner :P
Ditto for me too, but my hubby works swing shift right now he is on 2nd we don't see him for seven days straight and i work full time soo all the responsiblity is on me when we get home.. he is as work.. sucks i had a major meltdown like you about 2wks ago i told him i wasn't happy at all and he asked what i needed and i told him and for now things are better we'll see ! HUGS to you though and best of luck.. men just don't get it at all!! they are a different breed!!!
You know in my marriage the biggest problem we have is communication. I think there is a problem and DH blissfully doesn't get it... even when I explain to him there is a problem. This causes me to get very passive agressive and hit the cookies.
You all sound similar. You need your time and you just are not getting it while he doesn't understand that you need more time b/c perhaps in the past you didn't express it so he always thought you were just fine.
Come up with a new plan that includes "me time" and "fun w/pals time" and kindly let him know it isn't optional. Have it on par with his time away. Also I would make sure you have a date night once a week so you both can reconnect with one another. GL! HTH!
I completely get it. I feel the same way a lot. Now DD is sttn and easier, but I'm babysitting and that child drives me positively bsc.
DH is taking his classes at the college, so he's not home until 9 2 days a week.
I can't imagine doing that while pregnant, that's why we're waiting. I think if I was right now, someone wouldn't make it out of this house alive. Not sure who yet!
GL, soon you'll be feeling better from the m/s and that should help. Plus, tell him what you need him to do!
I too understand how you feel. I think many of us feel this way at some point. Up until recently DH was working FT days and I was working PT evenings. Yet almost all of the care of DS went to me, all of the decisions, Dr appts, food choices, etc. It's exhausting.
Things have changed a bit since DH just got laid off, but even before that I would book an appt at the salon every 5-7 weeks (one time it was just a bang trim and eyebrow waxing, but it was 1.5 hours away). Sometimes I need time away from the house, chores, etc.
I know at first I wouldn't really make that time for myself. I started to resent DH going out with his friends and the time he spent away. Then we both realized I just needed to make that time. We made a deal that he couldn't complain if I wanted to go out to dinner or whatever with a girlfriend and I had to let him go out w/ his buddies (as long as we had 24 hours notice - this was my big problem). He now encourages me to call my girlfriends and it really helps to get out.
Also, and I know how hard it is to leave the house, when you feel the 1st tri crappiness, mommy groups helped. We meet at parks or wherever and I can let DS play a little and not have to hover as much since there's other moms there and we all help each other. Plus, it really wears DS out.
sending hugs . . i feel u . . DH and I had this same conversation a couple of months ago. Through lots of fights and stuff . . he works lots of hours and his schedule isn't very flexible and on tom of that. . i went from a working mom to a sahm all of a sudden when i was laid-off at the beginning of the year. . . he was going out every night and i was home all the time with DD and never gotten a break . . now we have agreed upon twice a month . . he can go out with the boys and drink and stuff. . and he has to babysit for me, so that I can some free time . .
maybe you have to ask him to work from home only 2 days a week and maybe he makes the dinner decisions twice a week to take pressure off of you . . my SIL and BIL do it like BIL has to make dinner twice a week, but he can order out those two nights to give my sil a break from making dinner. . and have him watch DC at night once a week and u can go out with the girls or do something for yourself . . if your not happy then and making time for yourself and it is affecting your DC.
Good luck!
First, here is a glass of non-alcoholic wine : ) ::cheers::
Second, I didn't read all the responses, so forgive me if this has been said/covered, but the first thing that popped into my mind is can he take her with him on his bike rides at least once or twice a week? Like get a bike trailer? My H runs 4 or 5 days a week and for a long time, but he takes K in the jogger at least 2 times a week and it's a wonderful break for me.
Also, I think you just need to come right out and tell your H he needs to step it up. I don't care who "works" and who "stays home". Parenting outside of "work" hours should be 50/50. And I really think you need to take the initiative to schedule your "me" time, be it a class, a MNO, or just a trip to the bookstore. Make a date with yourself and put it on every calendar you two have. Make it clear that that time is for you.
Really, it's not that your H is a bad guy/dad/husband (at least, that's certainly not the impression I get). It's just that sometimes men need very clear directions and expectations.
((hug))
I was laid of in August, so I have SAH with DD for the last 5 weeks, and it is hard, hard work. I admire any and ALL SAHM's. Luckily my H realizes how hard it is. While I know I am going to miss her so much, I am ready to get back to work (next week!)
Anyway, I understand (to an extent) and can't imagine all of the stress along with being pregnant. Have you thought about a Mother's Day Out program, once a week? I know several Moms who do this in the local Dallas area, and I think it helps a ton. Just a thought, hang in there, and once you work something out, you won't be able to remember this stressful time!
Hugs to you! I have days like this too. Recently I heard these quotes which I printed and hung up in the kitchen: "Don't count the hours in the day, make the hours count.", "The days go by slow but the years go by fast.".
Truly I should have instituted "me time" as soon as Henry was born. Whether that be going to the grocery store alone, a gym class once a week or something! I never get me time and when I do I feel guilty.
The best thing for DH and I is to talk about it before it becomes an issue. Easier said than done. But being honest right away when you need time/help might help!
Wishing you a restful night!
www.facebook.com/TryVermontFirst
I love these two beautiful children!
Oh, yes! MDO has saved my sanity. It's amazing what 5 hours of doing nothing can do for you.
I didn't read all of the posts but just wanted to say it's not fair for him to take these long bike rides several times a week anymore - end of story. Maybe I'm a mean wife but he's a dad now and things change, sorry. Things have changed so much for you, right? He needs to step up. And you need to get the opportunity to go out too. Maybe he gets Mon/Wed. nights, you get Tues/Thurs. but it has to be even, at least for the most part.
I'm a SAHM too and completely understand the frustration. DH basically has DS from after dinner to bedtime, he does the bath, story and bedtime and I get a daily break. I think I'd go crazy if I didn't so more power to you. But sit down with DH and tell him how overwhelmed and in need of a break - consistently - you are. The fact that he is asking is good, he must be able to tell you're stressed out and is concerned so you will be able to figure something out. Good luck.
(Hugs)
Is your H going to be working from home indefinitely? Does he have an option to go into the office?
You already have received a lot of good advice so I won't repeat anything that's already been said, but I really hope you guys come up with a plan that takes a bit of the burden off of your shoulders. You are a great mom and don't ever forget that!
Wow, you just described my life, and my feelings about it lately, almost exactly. Except I'm not growing a baby, and my DH runs instead of bikes. But even down to the giving baths being his job.
The other night I needed like 20 minutes for myself to de-stress and just be alone, and so I asked him for that. I went upstairs, and ended up folding laundry during my "alone" time. Not 30 seconds later, DS comes climbing up the stairs looking for me. DH didn't even try to distract him enough to keep him down there. So much for my alone time. I think they just don't get it sometimes.
I'm sure this isn't helpful, but I just wanted to say your post hit home with me, and I'm right there with you. Now I'm going back to read the responses to see if anyone has any wisdom I can steal!