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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Are you "fair" with your parents vs. ILs?
I'm asking this because I feel like my family sometimes expects that they should be the "more important" side of the family since I am their daughter. They have many examples in their inner circle of the daughter living near her parents, but the son being closer to his wife's parents. This pulls at me, being the mother of a son. I will always want him in my life, and I think I would have a hard time if he did more things with his ILs in place of us.
Dh and I are on somewhat neutral ground - both of our sets of parents live in other states, so we are kind of orphans here (although DH family is originally from here, so he has extended family here). My family has been trying to convince me to moves back home for ages and I'm so torn over it - I love where I live, but I do miss my family. They are always using the whole "what kind of daughter moves away from her family" bit. Sometimes I think they are totally unreasonable, but then I see so many examples of this. A GF of mine here spends practically all holidays with her side of the family, even though her ILs live here too. And I can't tell you how many of my friends spend a ton of time with their side of the family, and their DHs just kind of go along with it. My DH would never let that happen; he doesn't make his side more important, but he won't let my side be more important either. My family knows that and I think they kind of resent him for holding me back.
I'm rambling now, but hopefully someone knows what I mean. Thoughts? Do you and your DH and LO spend more time with your side, or is it pretty even?
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Re: Are you "fair" with your parents vs. ILs?
It's pretty even. Both my mom and my inlaws totally understand that we have other sides of the family now. When I got married my mom had said that now we are our family (meaning my DH and I).
It doesn't hurt that we both grew up in the burbs and it's very easy on, say, Christmas Day, to go to my grandparents and then to whoever's hosting on his side. It has also completely worked out that my family does things earlier in the day on holidays (like meets at 1 or 2) and his family does it later in the evening still. So we are very lucky in that regard, and that there is NO guilt giving from either side.
It also works out for us that my mom and MIL really get along. My mom had knee surgery and my MIL has called her and even took her to an appt. so I didn't have to come out from the city. My mom went to the anniversary party we threw for my inlaws, etc. On Christmas Eve, my mom comes with us to my inlaws house. It's all very cozy LOL.
Sorry your mom/family is putting that pressure on you!
We are very lucky and live very close to both of our parents. It's like night and day though. We are extremely close with our IL's. MIL watches DD twice a week, we have dinner together at least once a week, we are together for all holidays big and small, you name it, IL's are an active part of our lives.
My dad on the other hand is just not around as much. We just don't have the same relationship. I always thought I'd be closer, but we're just not. My mom died when I was in high school and I know that if she was around I'd be closer to my side of the family - she was the glue to hold us all together.
I'm not thrilled at the situation - but one day your son might have a situation just like my family and you could have a wonderful DIL someday. We try to be "fair" but most important to me is giving DD the best experiences. If some family can't or doesn't want to come - it's their loss.
I'm closer to my mom - we work across the street from each other, and email constantly. But we see IL's much much more often, they are needier & more helpful with the boys. My SIL (MIL's daughter) moved away and she is still extremely close with her mom, she comes home and stays for weeks at a time, and MIL goes to her and stays for periods of time.
And I can't tell you how many of my friends spend a ton of time with their side of the family, and their DHs just kind of go along with it. My DH would never let that happen; he doesn't make his side more important, but he won't let my side be more important either.
We are the same way, we need our alone time - from both sides.
Both dh and I have parents who are divorced and remarried so there are 4 sets of grandparents to consider. We used to try to divide everything equally (as much as possible given that our families are geographically dispersed). It was very stressful and always left someone unhappy regardless of how "fair" we tried to be.
However, now we tend to spend more time with some of our family mainly because we like them more and because they are more welcoming. We make a point to let everyone know they are all always welcome at our house for a visit too. It's interesting to see that some are OK with that and other insist we always be the one to make the trip.
Your parents philosophy sounds old fashioned to me- and this comes from someone that lives across the street from her parents! Honestly, if you want to move back home, do it- but don't do it because they are guilting you into it. I think it totally depends on the IL's. I spend more time with my family, but that is DH's choice too because his father is an a*s! MIL watches DS for me twice a week and my mother watches him 3 times- but we never ask DH's family for anything extra- never ask MIL to stay late or take DS on weekends- my family is much more supportive. We split holidays equally and try to be fair- but DH and I would both prefer to spend time with my family, even DH's sister and husband prefer to be with my family! I am lucky, my parents are great- even better than great really. But if my IL's were cooler and DH loved spending time with them- we would do that for sure.
Oh, and my brother and his girlfriend spend way more time with my family too- she comes on vacation with us- my brother would never vacation with her family!
I have to be honest, before DS we would spend way more time with my parents. But to be fair, we have the same interests (golf, bowling) as them, and we are on more of the same schedule as them. (IL's work nights and my parents and us work days.)
Now that DS is here, I TRY SOOOOOOO hard to be even with everything. I try to split babysitting duties as much as possible and make sure that if we visit one set, we visit the other soon after. My habits changed because I didn't want to be the left our parent and now I understand how MIL feels.
That guilt trip is disgusting. And way to negate the whole concept of equality between genders, if daughters are expected to do things that sons aren't.
FWIW, we live 1000 miles from my parents and 30 miles from DH's parents. Interestingly, they see DS roughly equally, since his parents aren't all that interested, and my parents are willing to make the drive on a regular basis. Visits with my parents are more concentrated (one solid week, say) vs. visits with DH's family (a few hours at a time every week or two). But I think it's pretty even in the end.
Basically, I wouldn't let that guilt trip influence your decision in any way. Do you like where you live? Have good friends? Good jobs and opportunities for advancement? Good schools for your kids? Fun and educational things for the kids to do? If so, then stay. "just because" isn't a reason to give up all of that (and ask your H to do so as well)
Spending time with family can be tricky! DH's parents are divorced so that is a whole other can of worms. We do see my parents a little more because they live close and have open dinner invitations every Sunday. DH's dad is our main sitter during the week and watches DS one day per week. So, DS really sees him the most. My MIL lives over an hour away and used to watch DS once a week, but decided that was too much driving, So, she doesn't see DS or us as much because there is just not enough time to make the trip that often during the school year. We do split the holidays and fortunately FIL always does them on an off day so we can make it too.
It is hard to please everyone. Eventually we will move a little closer to FIL and my parents so I am sure we will see them even more. But that will also put us closer to MIL so maybe she will come and see us again!
Depends on who you ask. I think we are even. My mom thinks its the other way and FIL thinks its the other way.
Breakdown a week it goes like this. DD comes to work with me and thus sees Pappy and 2 uncles every day. Now its not like she is playing with them its usually in passing and she gets to play with them tops 30 minutes a day at lunchtime.
1 day a week we eat lunch with my mom and 1 night a week we go over to my parents house for dinner.
At least 2 times a week FIL or MIL or Both show up at my house to see DD for 30 minutes - 1 hour.
1 night a weekend at least 2 times a month DD sleeps over at IL and if she doesn't spend the night she goes over there to play with us on Sunday (we do one or the other).
Holidays are rotating. 1 DH 1 Me. So Thanksgiving will be my family. Christmas will be his family with the rule that DD is in her bed on Christmas eve and spends Christmas morning in her house opening her gifts.
I would say we have made it even as much as possible.
Def spend more time with my side! My mom has always been one of my bf so i tell her everything. She was in the delivery room and has always been VERY involved in jh's life. Her and my SD make it to where they keep him at least once a week, she also calls me EVERY day to check on us! When he's with them i don't worry about him at all since i know how overprotective she was with me!
Dh side sees him 1-2 times a month. His mom is always saying she wants to babysit but neither one of us feel comfortable with it. It's always "Time to go" when he starts getting fussy! My side is the only one who makes an effort to see/spend time with him! I might sound like a b!!tch for saying it but im glad it's like that!
As a soon to be mom of two boys, I can only hope that I live near my son's future in laws. I think it is somewhat true.
My husband's entire family all live within a 20 minute radius of us, so if they don't see Jack at least once a week, they freak out. I honestly don't have any problem with this, I have a really good relationship with all of my ILs.
However, my parents live 5 hours away from us, and are lucky to see him once every other month. When my family are in town, they definitely get priority, no matter whats going on with the ILs.
The Mouse ~ 06.12.08 | The Froggy ~ 02.23.11