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Blended Families
UHG! I know it's not abuse but.....(vent)
Ok, so ever since BM lost her job got a 20,000 loan from her dad, or so she says, she all of a sudden wants to follow the 50/50 schedule. This is very irritating to me because SD has serious behavior problems in school and daycare when she is with BM. Usually she is with us so much that she only has a problem maybe once a week or so, but now it's so much worse. Our daycare lady tells me yesturday when I dropped SD off that they dread the two weeks she is with BM because she has so many issues with morning drop off. When I drop SD off she gets one hug and kiss from me and one for her brother (my belly) and then I leave, and SD plays with the other kids. When BM drops her off, she gets one hug and kiss and then screams for BM to come back. BM goes back and gives her another hug and kiss and this cycle continues for about 15 minutes until BM just turns around and leaves. Sometimes the daycare worker has to physically stand in front of the door to keep SD from running out into the street after BM. I guess it then takes SD over an hour to calm down and stop screaming/crying for BM to come back.
Then, the daycare is located on school grounds and they walk the kids to class. During BM days SD wil sometimes wrap herself around any available object, such as a yard pole, on the walk to class and scream and cry and refuse to move. She is then exhausted for class and often gets in trouble for talking during work time, then throws a fit when they put her in time out.
Mind you, BM and I drop SD off at the same time, around 6:30am every morning, so unless BM is keeping her up much later than we are, it can't just be that she is tired. It also has nothing ot do with her affection for me vs BM, because she always says, "I love you mommy" (BM is mama, which she is fine with).
The thing is, SD knows that behavior is unacceptable with me, but BM allows her to get away with it, not just at daycare, but in other situations as well. She knows how to push BM's buttons to get what she wants.
I have no idea what to do. DH and I pay exclusively for daycare (and almost everything else in lieu of cs) and it will seriously screw with work and finances if she gets kicked out of this one, being that it is located right at the school.
DH wants to jump right to, "have the daycare call CPS" because he says BM is emotionally abusing SD, but im pretty sure they won't see it that way.
Any advice would be helpful at this point. Until BM really gets involved with her new bf, or finds something "better" to occupy her time, we are stuck playing the 50/50 game and it is seriously messing up SD. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: UHG! I know it's not abuse but.....(vent)
I just don't see this as your problem. The child care center should speak with BM about the long goodbyes if it is a problem for them. From your post, I'm not impressed with the care SD is getting from them. It seems they should have intervened long ago and found ways to help BM and SD part.
Umm, how is SD's emotional well being not my problem? The daycare isnt the problem since SD is very well behaved during our time. They can only do so much when BM is willing to let the behavior continue both in and out of school.
And they HAVE spoken with her. Her response is, "SD will grow out of it." which is total b*llshit.
Daycare can only do so much when the childs PARENT isnt willing to change.
I disagree. I totally understand you are concerned about SD, and I'm NOT saying her well being isn't your concern.
My mom trains child care professionals, so I'm speaking from her POV - the workers should be proactive in seeking a solution. They are the ones with an education on how to address the emotional needs of children. They should be educating BM. She should listen and work with them on their plan of action on how to deal with her departure after dropping off SD.
If you wanted to do something, you could call them and say you know it's a problem and ask if they've thought of a good way to handle the long goodbyes. If they treat you like you've got 3 heads, I don't think putting her in another child care center would be such a bad thing.
Therein lies the problem. BM refuses to work with the daycare. I guess I should clarify this isn't the first time, or the first daycare, where we have had this problem. Bm thinks she knows everything, and thinks she has every right to go back to her child as many times as she wants, even knowing how upset it makes SD. Which technically, she does.
I see where you are coming from though, in that hour after BM leaves, as far as daycare having better soothing techniques. Its an attention thing with SD, and once she really gets going she doesnt see or hear anything else. She just needs to wind down, thus why DH and I are so strict about boundaries, so she knows she gets no attention from us for acting this way.
Being that your mom trains childcare workers, do you have any advice I can give the daycare? SD actually does like this one, and I would prefer not to disrupt her schedule again. She does fine in the afternoon class.
There aren't a whole lot of daycare options in our area, mainly because BM has worked at about 2/3 of them, while in the process of getting her teaching degree. She has been fired from all of them for being to aggressive with the kids, mainly yelling/swearing and scaring the kids.
All kinds of fun.
"DH wants to jump right to, "have the daycare call CPS" because he says BM is emotionally abusing SD, "
This is really concerning to me and seriously abusing the system. And I would have to LOL at the daycare calling CPS because the BM takes to long to say goodbye and SD doesn't want her to leave.
Maybe your DH should call CPS on daycare for not having a conversation with BM about why her coming back is disruptive. If there is a real problem then the daycare could have taken care of it. Talk about passive aggressive.
^^^^^^Look up.
Daycare HAS spoken to her about it. She doesn't listen or care. And really, it's more than a matter of BM just "taking to long to say goodbye". This is causing her problems in school. BM knows this, yet she chooses to continue the behavior.
As I said above, should the daycare have better soothing techniques? probably. However, does that absolve the parent from acting like an ass? no.
Damn. Are parents not expected to be responsible for anything anymore?
OMG!
Dropped off at 6:30am before school? So up at 5:30ish? That's awfully early for a 6 year old. I wouldn't be surprised if she WAS tired.
Exactly. Scary isn't it?
Exactly. Scary isn't it?
She's up at 6, we do bath and everything the night before. That's an unfortunate joy of being a working parent. But with us, she is in bed and asleep by no later than 7:30. With BM, we have no idea what time she goes to bed, but with the lifestyle she leads, I doubt its anywhere near when she should, which may be a large part of the problem.
WOW!
I just have to say that I feel your pain. I don't necessarily see it with daycare, but I often see it when BM drops the kids off with us. I think that at any age, a child needs to have quick goodbyes and simultaneously have their attention shifted. It just makes it easier on all parties involved. It sucks that BM won't do anything (of course this is not abuse, it's just ignorance on her part), but hopefully it will work itself out. And I doubt that the child will grow out of it unless she is shown a different method for goodbye.?
I cannot imagine how frustrating. I was going to say that I agreed with J&A on this but it seems you understand where she is coming from on this now. It is frustrating because the biggest thing that could change the situation is if BM would just kiss her goodbye and then leave but unfortunately only the daycare can help change this. What would happen if the daycare told BM that SD has a hard time for a while after she drops her off but that the longer BM is there, the longer SD has a problem and ask her specifically to try for 1 week (or whatever certain number of days) for her to come up with a little routine to walk away and not come back and have them suggest the Kissing Hand book which has you draw a heart on the child's hand and has the Mother kiss the heart and tells her that if she misses Mom to kiss the heart...and BM can do the same. Maybe if they make it seem like BM is a bigger part of it than she might buy into it?
If she does not change her behavior (BM), what would happen if the daycare tells her that she is no longer allowed back into the room after she drops her off and if she continues then you need to find a new daycare? Would she just say ok or would she try to change?
Another comment though and I am totally aware this is not the only situation but without remembering your entire story I am not shocked that a child in general would give their BM more of a problem at drop-off than their SM, it's their Mommy and as far as a child is usually concerned they do not get enough time with Mommy so they will not want to leave. I am sure your SM loves you and wants time with you but it just is not the same.
And as for your DH, you already know this but he is really reaching to call this emotional abuse - I think a judge would get a good laugh out of saying BM is emotionally abusing their child because she has a hard time leaving the daycare when the child is crying for her. I am sure you already have tried, but just tell him that while BM is not handling this the best way, going back for extra kisses is not emotional abuse in the eyes of a judge.
Good luck, the threat of losing your daycare over this SUCKS.
Ok, i'll do my best to answer all the questions
I will try giving the kissing hand book to BM myself and letting her know about SD's issues again, and how they aren't getting better. The reason for this is that BM already has a grudge against the daycare. They won't allow her to add her newest boyfriend to the pick up list because only DH can make changes to the paperwork. ( there is a huge backstory into this)
If the daycare tells her she must say goodbye once and leave i'm sure she will have an absolute conipshit (sp?) because like i said before, she is getting her teaching degree and knows everything. However, SD goes back to her BM this week, but i'm picking her up on Wednesday for the dentist. If the daycare says she is still having problems I will get in touch with the supervisor and have the head of the daycare tell her she needs to say bye and leave, if they even can. Then we will see if that works.
I know that having me drop her off isn't the same as her mom. Part of that isn't so much bio vs step as that she spends more time with me and DH and see's me more as a "parent" while her mom is more about fun. Although lately her mom has been busy with her new flavor, which may be why SD is struggling to get more time with her. We've had similar problems at her last daycare but this is the worst it has been.
And yes, DH knows it's not abuse, and he wasn't completely serious about the daycare calling CPS. He is just very frustrated and worried about how this is affecting SD in school. Also, if SD gets kicked out of this daycare we really won't have any other options but for me to stay home instead of going back to work after DS gets here, which would greatly affect our financial situation, not that that is my primary concern, but it's a concern none the less.
When I wrote the OP yesterday I was mostly frustrated and venting. I appreciate all the advice, and forcing me to see the situation more objectively. As most on here know, when you see a problem like this with your child it's fairly normal to want to beat the other parent senseless, before looking at all aspects of it.
I know it's wrong but this made me lol.
I might be reading your post incorrectly but I don't think that the issue is abuse on the BM's side. I think the issue is related to your SD's emotions.
Based upon my experience with my SD, she loves me but the love she has for me is way different from the love she has for her mother (mind you, her mother is hardly involved in her life). My SD went from not loving her mother to her BM being very important in her life.
This is normal for kids. While dating my husband, I talked to friends who have blended families and I remember a friend telling me how she raised her husband's kids from the ages of 2 and 3. But when the kids turned eighteen they decided to live with their birth mother despite all the sacrifices and love that my friend gave them (and they used to call her mom).
From what I'm getting from your post, I think that the issue is separation anxiety that your SD may be experiencing when her BM drops her off.
Kids are not open to sharing what is in their heart because like us adults they don't always understand what is going on emotionally. You and hubby may want to either go to a counselor or friends who also consist of a blended family.
My husband and I are blessed by the fact that we have at least three families who are available to help us. One couple has been prominent in helping us through our current issue - my SD is feeling threatened by the thought that her baby brother may take her father from her. Unfortunately, I got pregnant soon after I got married. So we haven't had opportunity to transition from family dimension with me being daddy's girlfriend to me being daddy's wife before we found out I was pregnant.
Hopefully this helps.
I'm pretty sure you are right about the separation anxiety.
We got pregnant fairly soon after getting married as well, but I had been living with DH and raising SD for two years already. I'm hoping that has nothing, or very little to do with it. We have made every effort possible to include her in every aspect, as well as make her feel extra special just for being her.
This place is where I get my counceling and my feedback to be honest. My family didn't become "blended" until I was in my 20's, and although my best friend had a daughter before she married her current husband, he was always just a sperm donor and never entered her daughers life. I just try and love my daughter as much as I can and let her know I am there for her. With Dh and I she has a routine, boundaries, and stability. With BM she has "fun" ( such as going swimming at midnight on weekends), change, and constant, I guess "variety" is what I will use. Bottom line is she never really knows how much time she will get alone with BM, which may now be manifesting in this issue at daycare and school. I just wish BM would handle it better is all.
It's not really normal for a 6 year old girl to be so clingy.
I did talk to my mom today, gosse, and she said the same thing I said about establishing a routine to help the goodbyes go more quickly. She said it can be reading a book together when they arrive or as simple as BM waving to her from the parking lot. She said BM would have to enforce the routine, and based on what I told her she said that's not going to happen. She said it sounds like BM is feeding off the long goodbyes to get her ego stroked and feel important. SD falls into it because kids love their parents even when the parents are stupid and selfish.
My mom suggested DH calls the director of the center to chat about the concerns for SD and for the child care providers. She said the director can speak with BM without mentioning you and DH to try to help BM see the value of curtailing the lengthy goodbyes.
Thank you for talking to your mom, I had pretty much surmised the same thing about BM wanting her ego stroked. I pick SD up on Wednesday. If she has gone right back to having the same problems then I will deffinately take your advice and have DH call the director to speak with BM. Hopefully she reacts well, but it's always a toss up.