I found one that I love, DH loves it, it suits our aesthetic, it's not too clunky or too rickety, is within our price range, the brand is rated B in BB, and has stationary sides! This has been such a huge source of stress for us, I'm so glad the grand search is over!
Carter's Sleep Haven Single Crib
And I think my mom is going to buy us the matching changing table... which I think we will repurpose into a toy shelf or something later...
Re: The paralyzing crib fear is officially over...