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Success after IF
Radler
member
My in-laws need to get over themselves (long vent)
Radler
member
My MIL and SIL are demanding that I tell them right now when they should book their plane tickets for a baby visit. They live across the country and want to come for Thanksgiving, when I may or may not have given birth. My in-laws are difficult to deal with, often have giant blow up fights at family holidays, and my husband usually LEAVES THE ROOM to get away when that happens, even when we're hosting them at our house, he just can't deal with them. I am left to pick up the pieces. It's the pattern. It's happened at least once at every holiday we've hosted.
Anyway, this all means having them here while I'm waiting to give birth or shortly afterward sounds like my idea of the perfect hell. I also feel terribly guilty asking them not to come because it's the first baby in our family. But seriously, why do they have to book their plane tickets now? I love how the birth of my child becomes all about them. It's so typical!
I asked everyone to hold off on buying tickets right now and they're acting like I'm being unreasonable. So is DH. He wants his family here whenever they want to arrive. I think he forgets what happens, and he gets defensive when I try to talk about it.
Can someone please tell me how they dealt with their BSC out of town in-laws after the baby's birth? Any advice? How did you create boundaries if your husband was unable or unwilling to? Thank goodness I have parents who are planning to get the in-laws out of my face if need be. All I can picture is trying to breastfeed while MIL and FIL rehash the reasons they hate each other in the living room or whatever. I'm scared to death. And my poor baby, I just wanted his first days to be in a loving environment without an anxious mom.
Ooh, this felt better. Thanks for letting me vent.
After 7 failed IUIs, IVF w/ ICSI worked!!
I am thankful every day for my miracle after infertility.
And thrilled to be pregnant again after FET!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My in-laws need to get over themselves (long vent)
Figure out when you'd be comfortable having them and then give them those dates.
Tell them point blank that you're not up for having company over Thanksgiving and that you'll be laying low but you're excited for them to come meet the baby at a time when you know the baby will be here.
Be polite and be firm.
They're ASKING YOU what you want. Tell them.
If there's fall out - deal with it then but for now just be direct about when you want them to come. Look at a calendar and pick dates.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Yeah, I know you guys are right. Thanks for being so clear about it. I absolutely hate saying no to people, and especially my husband. But I guess I need to start learning how to do it.
I am thankful every day for my miracle after infertility.
And thrilled to be pregnant again after FET!
We told all family that we wanted the first few weeks at home to be just us, so we could bond with our new baby. The exception was my parents were here when we arrived home from the hospital because they came to dog sit. They left within a hour and my inlaws knew nothing about that hour.
We gave my inlaws a date that would be well after my due date, and told them that they were welcome to come for a week anytime after that. Once they booked a week, we offered a visit to other family but with a few days or a week in between visits.
This worked for us, and honestly I didnt care if I offended anyone or not.
Try not to look at it as saying "no" to them. They want to know when they can come and you're going to tell them exactly when they can come.
What they really want is to meet and love this child. That's what they're anxious about. Give them a firm commitment of the date they can look forward to doing it. Just make sure it's one that works for you!!
I'm sure Thanksgiving is what's convenient for them. It's just not what works for you and your new family. No harm, no foul!
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Oh girl, what a PITA to deal with. Its not as though your plate is full enough as it is!
You've gotten some good advice. . . they've asked when is good, so let them know. I can see why they think that Thanksgiving is a good time, but it needs to be a good time for YOU! As you know, Grant's delivery was not what I expected and while I pray that is not the case for you, it is better to be prepared and to give yourself (and your DH) time with the LO--especially since they tend towards the dramatic and will, likely, cause a scene. ::shaking head::
You know where to find me if you need to vent more!
You've gotten lots of good advice. I would do exactly what they've asked and give them a date after the baby is here. I'd give it two weeks after my due date, just to be sure that the baby is actually an outside baby.
And to butter them up, make sure you tell them that you want to make very sure that they don't 'waste' time by sitting around waiting on the baby to get here, but arrive after baby is here and home...and therefore they get to spend every minute with the grandbaby, not pregnant DIL.
And when they start to fight in your living room, calmly take baby to baby's room, come back and unleash the fury of Brand-New-Mama...tell them if they want to fight like cats and dogs, they can take it outside because you aren't gonna have it around the baby...maybe that'll shame them into shutting the hell up :-)
I love you guys. Seriously. Thank you. I haven't been able to do work all morning I've been so agitated about this. I seriously need to grow a backbone. I love the image of myself putting baby in the crib and then running out and laying down the Brand New Mom law to the fighting family. Ha. That would definitely stop them in their tracks, it's so out of character for me.
Thanks again. A million times. Now, I just have to DO this.....
I am thankful every day for my miracle after infertility.
And thrilled to be pregnant again after FET!
This may be a chicken's way out but in this kind of situation.... I'm a fan of e-mail.
Remember to butter it up good. How excited you are for for the baby to get to meet his grandmother and his Aunt, how you're thrilled they're excited too, etc.
Be all smiles!
It's harder for them to be pissy when you're being so positive and happy about their visit. (even though you're not really....)
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
I just want to say that I love you Howleyshell! You give great advice.