Upset by friends' reaction

cindy510 · September 2009

DH and I sent an email out to our friends last night about the pregnancy. We were waiting until our first semester NT scan yesterday afternoon to make sure the pregnancy was going well before sending out the email. Well, one of couples we know were having problems conceiving and is now adopting. Our friend's wife is not doing well and is very upset that she can't conceive after trying for over 8 years. Anyway, I just talked to one of our mutual friends that was over at that friends' house last night. He told me that the couple was very upset and annoyed by our email. They thought we were bragging about our pregnancy. All I wrote was "DH and I have great news we want to share with you. I am 13 weeks pregnant. We had an ultrasound today and everything is going well. We are very excited to share this news with you". I am very upset that the couple is annoyed with our news. Do you think our email was bragging at all? We were trying to be as sensitive as possible.

We thought this would be the best way to share the news with them rather than announcing it in public this weekend when we see them because we know the wife is having problems accepting her sad news (can't conceive) and she has been known to break down and cry when hearing about other people conceiving. I take things personally and am taking this hard. She is a good friend and I can't understand why they are annoyed by our news. WWYD?

GreenEyes05 · September 2009

Granted she has problems conceiving, If she was a "good friend" like you said she is, she would know that you are trying to brag, and she would just be happy for you... :-)

Mysh · September 2009

I don't think your e-mail was insensitive. I would wait to see if she wants to talk to you about it. Try to not get to worked up over it. You can't control other peoples reactions and feelings.

FutureMECC · September 2009

I think they are just being sensitive. You can't not tell them you are PG. That kind of reaction would upset me too, but if people are going to be like that then do your best to ignore them and be happy for you and DH.

taagent · September 2009

DH and I were in a similar situation but with my SIL and BIL. We just sent them a text saying "we just wanted to let you know we are pregnant, it is still early but we wanted you to hear it from us."

It took about 24 hours to get a response (which was "great. we're happy for you both") and it was almost a week later before my SIL would speak to my DH, and they wouldn't talk to me.

My SIL recently went through a failed IUI and was supposed to attend a bridal shower for our neice, my SIL showed up for 10 min and gave an excuse of why she had to leave.

I know what it is like to have good news while someone else is going through a hard time. I would just chalk it up to the strain of IF. Don't put a lot of stock in it and just move on.

CTL2005 · September 2009

Sounds like you were damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you had not included her in the email, that would have hurt her feelings too I am sure. Don't take it personally. I can't imagine what I'd be like if I had been trying to concieve for 8 years and it didnt happen.

SPerry0376 · September 2009

I have dealt with infertility big time, It took me several attempts and 2 rounds of IVF. Let me tell you, for her to react like that to your news is inappropriate. I feel bad that she has to go through her ordeal but its not fair for her to get upset at everyone that is not in her situation. I understand it may sting a little, but you shouldnt have to walk on eggshells around anyone during such a joyous time in your life. I'm sorry you had to get a bad reaction.

yecal262 · September 2009

I dont think it was a insensitive email at all. I mean what are you supposed to do...no tell them? They told you about their pregnancies and losses and you were both happy when they told you of the pregnancy and sad with them when they told you of their losses or bad news. I think that it is sad for them, but at the same time they need to grow up a bit, put their big kid undies on and be happy for you. YOUR GOING TO HAVE A BABY! Congrats

gypsywitch · September 2009

While i've never been in your friends specific situation, I have been in a similar one. I've had many M/C's that have gone unexplained and after my last one almost a year ago I jsut lost it for a few months. I was SO ANGRY at my body, and felt like a failure as a woman for not being able to carry any of my pregnancies to term ( even my one living daughter was 5wks premature). And it hurt me so deeply and enfuriated me to hear about other women around me who became pregnant so easily and carried their babies with no problems. Of course you shouldn't wish your woes on anyone else but it was very frustrating to see someone have such an easy time with it, while my husband and i suffered so many losses.

I know its upsetting that not everyone can be happy for you, but as someone who has had these feelings, its going to take her a while to come around to the idea and be happy for you. A VERY CLOSE frind of mine announced her pregnancy to us back in Feb when she was about 8wks along ( total accident to BTW which made me even mroe mad), and I felt like I HATED her, someone who i love and care for deeply!! I couldn't even talk to her for a few weeks, but when her belly started popping out I jsut could not help but shower her with attention and belly rubs and talked to the baby...she's in the hospital this very moment being induced and in a few mins i'm on my way to the hospital to wish her well before little tristan finally shows his face and I could not be more excited for her and to meet this baby. SO, give your friend time, lots of time and don't take personal offense to it. Its not that she's mad at you, she's hurt and frustrated by her own situation and needs time to heal over that. I'm sure she will come around before your pregnancy is over.

oranje_zwanger · September 2009

It is overly sensitive on their part. But, I always believe that you cannot control other people, just yourself. You did nothing wrong. Just go forward and put this behind you.

Bride2b2004 · September 2009

Honestly, IMO it is bragging. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you because we all love to share our exciting news with friends and family and if you can't brag about your child, what can you brag about! But I probably would have sent that particular couple a personal message (not a group email) that was more sensitive to their situation. Yes, as a good friend she will be happy for you. But she doesn't have to like how you gave the news. Knowing her situation, you could have been a tad more sensitive (maybe said, that you thought this would be the best way to share the news and you know that it may be bitter sweet for her considering her situation and that you hope and pray she will find herself pg soon so you can go through this together... you know, a personal message). I know I am in the minority here, but I might reach out to her again with that personal message. If not, give her time and space because you are entitled to your joy and she is entitled to her feelings as well. H&H!!

cindy510 · September 2009

Thanks, everyone, for their support. I did have a MC last year so I know what it's like to have a mc. It was difficult and very painful, especially because my sister was also pregnant and was due 1 month ahead of me. I was super nervous throughout my first trimester with this pregnancy and am super excited and happy that this one stuck.

DH and I have been trying for over 1 year so getting pregnant has not been easy. We are just excited and thought the best way to share the news with this one friend and protect them was to send an email. We were going to tell them this weekend but we didn't want the wife to break out crying in the restaurant when we see them this Saturday. Who knows, they may cancel on us now since the couple is annoyed with us.

rabstbmom · September 2009

I agree you can't walk on eggshells. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it really is her problem. I know it's not easy, but somehow she really does have to make peace with the fact that adoption is the route that God/the Great Spirit/Life/whatever has intended for her in terms of having a family.

We got a similar to reaction, though not as harsh, from my SIL. She and BIL adopted a little girl from Russia a few years ago (they'd tried for 8 or 10 years, I think) and when DH called to say we were pregnant, her response was something along the lines of "Well I guess you didn't have any problems." Apparently, she realized later what that sounded like and sent an e-mail to DH apologizing for her lack of enthusiasm and she's been fine with me when I've seen her since.

I can't relate directly with the IF piece, but like many single women in their 30s, there was a long time where I thought I'd never get married and have a family. It wasn't easy to hear about weddings/babies, especially from friends who I thought would NEVER even choose or want to take that path, but eventually I had to accept that my life might just never include it. I wasn't pleased, but I had to learn to make the best of it. Ironically, once I'd reached a point of acceptance, the pieces began to fall into place and I met DH and we're cautiously expecting a honeymoon baby.

Not saying acceptance will mean she'll end up getting pregnant, but really, what else can a person do with something like this but find a way to come to terms with it? Holding it against others when they're just trying to live their lives isn't really fair--or healthy for anybody.

Mainer-in-Texas · September 2009

I don't think your email was insensitive - and I think email is the best way share the news with someone struggling w/ IF - so they can cry if the need to. For many people struggling with IF (myself included), PG announcements are very, very hard. It makes you feel like a freak. It's another reminder of what you don't have. It's isolating. The pain is similar to that of losing a loved one. Don't take it personally that they got upset by your news.

BTW, it was wrong of your other friend to even tell you what they said.

Ciconrad · September 2009

I don't think your e-mail was bragging but PLEASE, PLEASE try to understand how difficult infertility is. I didn't have problems conceiving, but had a m/c with my first pregnancy and all the announcements of others pregnancy between my miscarriage and when I was pregnant again were so heart wrenching. I am sure they are just stressed and discouraged with their situation. It may not be the best way to respond (although they probably never thought you would hear about it) but she didn't say anything hurtful to your face. IMO, having been in a situation where other's pregnancies were hard for me, it takes you to be the bigger person, get over it and just move on with your friendship.

Shannon11/3 · September 2009

I just want to point out that you heard they had that reaction from someone else - they didn't say anything to you. It's like the game telephone. Maybe she was a little shocked and upset, the mutual friend brought it up, and she offhandedly said "yeah, nice to hear others bragging about getting pregnant." It probably wasn't personal to you, just her venting some of her pain and distress. We often say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment when we are in pain, especially if we think we're talking to someone confidentially (friend probably never thought the mutual friend would report back to you. And by the way - what kind of friend is that? She ratted out the one woman and upset you, what got accomplished other than gossiping?)

So I wouldn't get upset at all without hearing something from her or her DH. And as other posters said, she may need some time to process the news and adjust, so I wouldn't be upset if you don't hear from her. I wouldn't feel guilty, or upset, or take it personal at all. Hang in there and just be happy about your baby!

homebird · September 2009

Dude, 8 years? That's rough ...

Don't take their response personally. They're going through a hard time, and although that doesn't give them permission to be rude, it's understandable why they may feel upset.

My advice - don't bring it up to them. Don't confront them about their response, don't talk about the pregnancy. Let them be the ones to bring the subject up. It may take some time for them to feel comfortable talking about it, but if they're good friends, they'll come around eventually.

FWIW - I'm going through a similar situation with my SIL.

Worcbride · September 2009

I've seen this many times--it took us 2 yrs to get DD (w/fertility tx); I was on the TTTC board and would see girls there get very upset about someone else's pregnancy. I was never like that--I was always glad when someone didn't have to go thru the struggles we were going thru. About a year into our treatments our neighbors (and good friends) got pg and she admitted me to me she was nervous telling me cuz she didnt want to hurt my feelings. That kinda hurt my feelings (that she was worried); of course she told me this after she told me she was pg and I gave her a huge hug and couldn't stop gushing how happy I was for her.

I didn't feel that your email was insensitve or bragging at all.

someflower6 · September 2009

cindy510:

Anyway, I just talked to one of our mutual friends that was over at that friends' house last night. He told me that the couple was very upset and annoyed by our email. They thought we were bragging about our pregnancy.

not for nothing, but you don't know if your mutual friend is giving an accurate representation of their feelings. even IF they were upset and thought you were bragging-- maybe that was just a gut reaction that they told this friend in confidence. but they wouldn't say it to you because they know it would be inapproprate.

i understand why you would be taking this hard, but IMO, until you actually get a reaction from them and not from some third party-- don't overanalyze it.

urbanwifey · September 2009

I think expecting her not to take the news well is a given. She's in a really upsetting place.

But as far as I'm concerned that does not give her a pass to bad-mouth you and your husband to mutual friends. Not cool.

marzinelli17 · September 2009

I think you're email was fine. I would just give it some time.

spring_time · September 2009

I am in the minority here, I think it was a bit insensitive. I think a more personal, individual message would have more appropriate. It also would have been nice to acknowledge her feelings. I broke down crying after a similar email. I was happy for my friend, but sad for me. An acknowledgement of my struggle would have been less painful.

jenny1980 · September 2009

A couple of things:

1. This couple did not communicate directly with you. One of your other friends is spreading around gossip and that's not cool.

2. Knowing how long they've dealt with IF and how hard it is on them, it would have been better to have written them separately and acknowledge that you know this news probably hurts and you wanted to be sensitive to that. I can see how being copied on a "Yay!!! We're pregnant!!!" email could be painful in this case.

katlizabeth · September 2009

Bride2b2004:
But I probably would have sent that particular couple a personal message (not a group email) that was more sensitive to their situation. Yes, as a good friend she will be happy for you. But she doesn't have to like how you gave the news. Knowing her situation, you could have been a tad more sensitive (maybe said, that you thought this would be the best way to share the news and you know that it may be bitter sweet for her considering her situation and that you hope and pray she will find herself pg soon so you can go through this together... you know, a personal message). I know I am in the minority here, but I might reach out to her again with that personal message. If not, give her time and space because you are entitled to your joy and she is entitled to her feelings as well. H&H!!

Yes

Tulip370 · September 2009

The day after I got my BFP and told my DH, I was so overwhelmed that I needed to tell someone else. Surprisingly, it only took us 2 months to conceive after stopping the Nuva Ring- and we weren't rigorously trying, either, just being irresponsible. Angel Anyhow, I decided to tell one of my oldest friends (since 3rd grade) that we were pregnant. The first thing out of her mouth was "Is that a good thing?" followed by "Well that was fast.". I was dumbfounded by her response. I was confiding in her because I trusted her above many of my other friends and she was not very excited for us.

I thought about it for a minute and realized that she was likely hurt because she had tried for 8 months or so with her ex-husband before things went downhill and they divorced without children. I should have thought twice before letting her know so soon, but the fact of the matter is is that she could have been more polite instead of being rude with her comments. She didn't need to jump up and down, but a 'Congrats' would have been a better first thing to say, even if she didn't mean it. I was scared senseless and all I got was a sense of shame for telling her after she had no luck herself.

Bottom line- While you two are ecstatic with the news, remember that others might not be. If you get an unfavorable response, don't bring it up for a while with that person(s). My friend asked me how I was doing about a month later after I had not mentioned anything else about the pregnancy. Just enjoy the pregnancy and remember that the only opinions that matter are your own. You can't please everyone! GL!

IrishBrideND · September 2009

First of all, you are hearing this second hand. So take it with a grain of salt.

Secondly, they may be struggling with infertility and such.

baileebou · September 2009

You were not bragging. People with jealousy issues don't know how to be classy.

We had a similar situation occur with our closest friends. I'm so sorry you had to experience this as well. This is the happiest and most exciting news you will EVER share in life. And if you and DH are happy, that is all tha should matter!

::hugs and kisses::

Dr.BeepersWife · September 2009

Bride2b2004:
Honestly, IMO it is bragging. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you because we all love to share our exciting news with friends and family and if you can't brag about your child, what can you brag about! But I probably would have sent that particular couple a personal message (not a group email) that was more sensitive to their situation. Yes, as a good friend she will be happy for you. But she doesn't have to like how you gave the news. Knowing her situation, you could have been a tad more sensitive (maybe said, that you thought this would be the best way to share the news and you know that it may be bitter sweet for her considering her situation and that you hope and pray she will find herself pg soon so you can go through this together... you know, a personal message). I know I am in the minority here, but I might reach out to her again with that personal message. If not, give her time and space because you are entitled to your joy and she is entitled to her feelings as well. H&H!!

This, if I had friends that I knew had been trying for a while or struggling with IF. I would have told them personally. To give them time to adjust to the news.

Also, it is not required for everyone to be happy for you. I know that sounds harsh, but its the truth.

rissa06 · September 2009

I don't think your email was insensitive and I believe that no matter how you delivered the news . . it would have been seen an insensitive.

My SIL and BIL have been struggling to have children for years and have been going to infertility doctors and everything. We told the family personally and she ran out of the room crying. I don't think I could have felt any worst. We new walking into this that we didn't have a way to tell her. . . meaning that we were very concerned about telling her, because we knew how much they wanted a child and how much they have been trying and we didn't want to hurt them.

So, people react in different ways and I can tell u . . my husband and were having some problems for a while and my friend had gotten engaged and she was afraid to tell me . . because she knew all the problems we were having. A mutual friend of ours ended up telling me . . and I'm glad that she didn't tell me personally, because it gave me time to cry and get everything out and a few days later . .i called my friend and congratulated her. Your friend probably just needs some time . .

Telling people good news personally is not always the best and communicating news through email is not always the best either, but you do have to realize that different people are going to react different ways and you have to go with it.

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