I feel like I'm doing so many things wrong.

sara1014 · September 2009

Our babies have been home for 3 weeks now, and I feel like I'm constantly screwing up and questioning what we're doing. This is resulting in me feeling extremely guilty and overwhelmed and like I just wasn't cut out to be a mom (or a good one anyway) to these babies.

Our babies eat every 3 hours - though occasionally they'll look for food about 30 minutes earlier. However, today they've been fussy NON STOP and neither DH nor I know if they're maybe going through a growth spurt and need more food or are just plain fussy. We've tried to offer a bottle several times today and they'll drink less than an ounce and just start fussing again. They're dry, warm, comfortable, being held, and we assume not hungry because of their actions. Are we missing something here? I know they may just be fussy, but after this full day (and a very fussy day yesterday and other days) I can't help but feel like it must be something we're doing wrong.

Also, I'm worried I'm screwing up their sleep. We swaddle at night - and they get out of everything we've tried, so their sleep is usually fairly interrupted because they then wake themselves up with their flailing arms and bicycling legs. They absolutely cannot fall asleep not swaddled as we've witnessed during the day. Then, during the day, should they have a designated time when I put them down for a good, hard nap? I usually just let them fall asleep where they be - on me, DH, in the bouncy chair...in the boppy...whatever. But then by the evening, they both seem over tired. How often/when should they be napping? I know it's early to start them on a schedule, but I just don't know if there is something I should be doing differently here.

Thanks for any input/advice from what you experienced and did. I did join my local MoM group, but couldn't attend my first event today because I've been feeling under the weather and didn't want to expose any germs I had to a bunch of MoMs. But I was hoping to get some advice there.

lutzcowgirlie · September 2009

I'm going to suggest two books that really helped me: Happiest Baby on the Block and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.

I know you are thinking, "I have two babies, when the hell am I supposed to read?" but they are designed to be read in parts and are very easy reads. I think they deal specifically with the challenges you are facing.

That being said, I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Babies are difficult to understand - they fuss and you don't always know why. The simple fact that you are trying makes you a good mom!

For swaddling - a good tip I learned was to swaddle with a blanket, then wrap with a swaddle me. It gives a tighter, better holding swaddle. Just make sure the layers are light so that they don't overheat.

As far as napping - the goal would be to never let them go more than two hours awake.

Hang in there! You're doing great!

sara1014 · September 2009

lutzcowgirlie:
I'm going to suggest two books that really helped me: Happiest Baby on the Block and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.

Thanks! A girlfriend just mailed me "Healthy Sleep Habits; Happy Twins" and I've started looking at it in my "free time." I was still confused on what they said about napping anyway. My babies totally seem to be daytime insomniacs and do not show the signs of being drowsy or anything. H loves to just hang out. She's not even the crabbiest at night. We can usually get M to nap during the day in a bouncy chair...but I don't get the feeling it's a good, quality nap.

ETA: M is the one who is particularly crabby at night. Usually right after their 8:00 feeding he just loses it, so I think he's getting overtired/overstimulated during the day and isn't getting a good break.

macchiatto · September 2009

Ditto everything lutzcowgirlie said!! Those are my two favorite books as well. I speed-read them (well and with HBOTB I watched the DVD while pumping) and they were SO helpful. Your LOs are a little young for a lot of the stuff in HSHHC but read the section on newborns and especially drowsy cues. When my babies were that little, they could only tolerate 1-1.5 hours of awake time at once. Also for swaddling, the Miracle Blankets worked REALLY well for us at that age. Have you tried them yet? Our boys started breaking out of the SwaddleMes when they were 3-4 weeks old so we switched to Miracle Blankets, which worked well till they were about 3.5 months old. Then we had to put a larger SwaddleMe over the Miracle Blanket and that worked! (Then at 6 months we weaned from swaddling; our boys just weren't ready to give it up before then. Now they sleep great in sleepsacks.)

Hang in there! I think we all (or at least most of us) felt how you're feeling in the beginning. Try not to beat yourself up. Sleep deprivation plus wildly fluctuating hormones plus the demands and shock to your system of suddenly having two newborns to care for 24/7 can be really overwhelming. I know it's cliche, but it really does get easier. And we're here for you any time.

KMB7 · September 2009

First of all (((hugs))). The first few months are a whirl wind. I know what it is like to feel like you are messing things up and that you aren't cut out for it. You are their parents and you will do a great job.

I'm going to share what worked for us. Does it mean that it will work for you, no, just some things to try.

I'm not surprised that they are eating every 3 hours, at that age their bellies are small and can't hold a bunch. It could also be a growth spurt. There are a few things that could cause them being fussy. My first guess would be gas. Mine had a big time problem with gas. There are a few ways to reduce gas. If you are using powdered formula, stir it with a spoon to disolve it instead of shaking (doesn't form the air bubbles). You can also make them up ahead of time(day before or hours before and put them in the fridge) and then warm them up. The mylicon drops really do help( you can get the target off brand for really cheap). Also you can try different bottles to cut down on the gas. We really liked the Dr. Browns. We hated cleaning them, but it was worth it for us.

It also could be colic, tired or reflux (look for a lot of spit up, even if it doesn't come out, coming up into their mouth, they get a funny look on their face).

Sleep. Sleep is very important for babies and parents. We swaddled our little ones until they were about 5 months. lol, they weren't so little at 5 months. What I would do is find larger sized blankest, and get flanel or something else that isn't slippery. Wrap them up as tight as you can. If you are using a larger blanket, it is harder for them to break out of.

I know many people say that babies shouldn't be on schedules and that they are to young. Well, with twins, I don't think there is ever a too young. This is what we did. EASY (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You). Diapers would either be before they ate, or right after (before sleep). Early on if we changed them before they ate they would have a bm in their clean diaper.

After we fed them, we burped and then did an activity. The activites didn't take too long. As they get older, longer activity. We read books, tracked items with their eyes, activity mat, tummy time, sang or just talked to them.

We would check their diapers, swaddle them up and put them down for a nap. When they were really little they didn't like pacifiers, but as they got older (around a month I believe) they started taking them. The key is to get them ready for nap before they are too sleepy and try to fight it. At this age we had them sleeping in a bouncy chair (a newborn rocker really) or in their pack n play. They would fall asleep pretty quick with being swaddled. That would be their cue to sleep.

Then some time for you (shower, nap, bathroom, read, relax). Whatever you need to do. Don't worry about the house, just the stuff you need like food, sleep and bathroom. People will understand.

After a few days of this, I saw a large difference in our children. We had other difficulties to face (reflux and RSV) but we made it through it all. I also know a bunch of tips and tricks with reflux.

If you would like to ask me any questions, feel free to page me. Also if you want to leave your email address, I can email you. I don't feel comfortable putting mine on here because it gives away my full name.

Hope my rambling helps

groovygrl · September 2009

Hi there...

Just wanted to commiserate, don't feel you're alone!!! I feel like I don't know what to do half the time too . I just had 2 screaming babies I was trying to feed while MH was asleep & finally caved & had to ask him to come help me, so I totally screwed up his sleep for tonight & I feel terrible. He was able to get them both to calm down and I felt pretty lame...but what worked was actually the 5 S's from the happiest baby on the block dvd- I also recommend htat one!

If it makes you feel better (I know it won't ), mine still rarely make it to 3 hrs b/w feedings at 5 weeks. Still often at around 2 1/2 hrs & I have not been able to master the simultaneous feed, try as I might. I try to put them down when I see drowsy signs but DD is not so good at that, DS is better at it...they fall asleep in boppies a lot, also bouncy chairs & occasionally in our arms too. I don't think you can start a lot of the sleep stuff until after 6 weeks or later (and since mine were 4 weeks early, I'm thinking I'll have to wait longer).

Also, mine have been fussier lately & i'm wondering if it is a growth spurt...?

GL, i know youre doing a great job!!!!

DEP · September 2009

Regarding the feedings, it does sound like gas. I agree with PP; stir/not shaking formula, mylicon drops, Dr. Brown bottles, and making sure you are burping after every 1/2-1oz.

My bible was Secrets of the Baby Whisperer. Following the EASY method....Eat, Activity---15 minutes at this age ie bath, diaper change, brief interactions.....Sleep.....You time. Cycles every 3 hours until 3 months and then every 4 hours after 4 months. Great resource!

keg · September 2009

You've gotten a ton of great advice already, but I just wanted to add a couple things.

In terms of swaddling, particularly in the summer I really like the Aden and Anais blankets because they are big and lightweight. I think Target now carries them. We used them to swaddle one DD until she was 4 or 5 months old.

One thing to try for fussy babies is to take them outside for a little bit. I find that even now, if my DDs are fussy, they often calm down when I take them outside. You can go for a walk with them in a stroller or even something as simple as getting the mail is great. If we're getting ready to go somewhere and DDs are fussy, I just load them in their infant seats and put them out on the porch while I finish getting ready and they seem to enjoy the change in scenery and quiet down.

Good luck! It's all a challenge and once you think you have figured it out, they'll change. ;-)

togagirl · September 2009

Lots of great advice...I can't reccomend the Happiest Baby on the Block enough. It's the only thing that got us through the first few weeks. The only other thing I would add is, have you tried a swing? Put them in it and turn it up as high as it goes!

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I feel like I'm doing so many things wrong.

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