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Adoption
How do you explain adoption to a 4 year old....
After several years of fertility treatments and miscarriages, my sister and BIL just adopted a 6 month old baby boy. He moved in permanently last weekend. I just had a baby a month ago. I have a 4 year old SD who is really confused by the situation, mostly because she knows my sister was not pregnant. She doesn't understand how my sister is his mother since he wasn't in her belly.
Any tips on explaining it to her?
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Re: How do you explain adoption to a 4 year old....
My daughter was bio and after IF we chose the adoption route. She'll be 4 next month and we just explained to her that mommy can't have a baby in her belly BUT someone else is going to have a baby and that baby is going to come live with us and be our baby. And that is what adoption is called.
So for the past 6 months she has understood that much. When everyone asks about a new baby she says "someone else is having a baby and that baby is gonna live with me and be MY baby". The agency we are working with said it was a good way to look at it.
at 4, if you're very 'matter of fact' about it, they tend to be too. Whatever is presented to a kid as 'normal' tends to be 'normal'.
2 links about how an adoptive parent explained to kid's classes @ lower elem school age that might be pretty applicable:
https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/pdf/how_I.pdf
https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/pdf/Classmates.pdf
Here are some great books too.
ETA: Some more. These are more general.
I told DS, "Mommy can't have another baby in her tummy. My tummy was just meant for you. But you want a brother or sister and Dad and I want another child too, so we are going to adopt a baby from another mommy who can't take care of a baby right now."
He was 3 and really understood.
The workshops we have attended have all stated that you should be matter-of-fact.
You could initiate the conversation with her, "do you want to talk about your new cousin?" ... if she says, yes, then ask her what she would like to know.
Answer each question factually but simply. Don't ever-explain. Often times at that age they just want simple explanations and only want to know specifically about what they ask of. Later - maybe tomorrow or maybe in a month from now she might have digested what you told her enough to be able to ask follow-up questions.
DD1 had turned 3 the week before our twins came home but was probably 4 when she started actually asking questions about what adoption actually meant.
I don't know if you're Christians, but... We've always just told our DD that God chose us to be their parents and wants us to be a family, but He chose "R" (birthmom) to carry them in her belly for us. God builds families all differents ways and this is how He made ours.
What an adorable photo!
My story to my 6 year old niece is similar.
She asked further though and wanted to know why i couldn't have the baby in my belly. We just told her some girls can, and some girls can't, but we are going to take really good care of a special baby that was born in our hearts. So far, she has been really good and excited.
HTH!
Thank you!!