Mortified...re: my baby shower -vent - long

benoitfan · September 2009

Hi girls...

I just need a minute to vent. My SIL is hosting my baby shower, which I am very grateful for (as I have no family in town). She has access to a Union Hall at no charge and being that I had 3 bridal showers so everyone could be included, she thought if she got use of the hall (for free), I could have one baby shower and invite everyone. She asked me for a guest list and told me to include everyone, so I made my guest list (about 30 people including 5 from out of town that I know won't attend, but felt should be invited anyway).

Well, I was talking to my mom last night and she asked me...."what does 'this is a pot luck shower mean'"? This was recorded at the bottom of the invites, below the RSVP information. I told her I had no idea, so she called my SIL who wasn't home. Since SIL and MIL are working on this thing together, she called my MIL and found out that it is "pot luck" as in everyone is to bring some food. I have several guests including my mom, 2 sisters and 5 or 6 people from a church I used to attend, who will have to travel at least a hour to be here as it is. I feel awful that they are expected to bring food, if they decide they want to attend.

I am so embarrassed. I can not believe anyone would think it was ok to invite guests to a shower (most of whom will be bringing gifts) and then not provide finger food for those guests. It's not like you need that much food. The shower is in the middle of the afternoon, between lunch and dinner. Guests won't expect to eat alot. I guess my SIL and MIL decided that when a guest replies that they will be coming, they will assign that guest an item to bring. I think this is incredibly rude. When I gave my SIL the contact info for those on the guest list, I told her that if she needed help with food or anything to let me know. My mom was also more than willing to cover some of the cost, but we weren't given that opportunity.

I have a feeling that many of my guests will opt out of coming because of this "pot luck" thing and I honestly don't blame them one bit. I feel like I need to apologize to everyone for my ILs tackiness. Just to give you an idea of how out there the ILs are...when DH and I got married, they didn't ask about the rehearsal party/dinner, so my mom took care of it all and my ILs didn't even have the decency to show up. And they didn't think it was necessary to invite out of town guests to the dinner, but that it would be ok to invite them to the church and the dance portion of the reception (all to save a buck). I guess based on that experience, I should have seen this coming.

OK, vent over...comments? Opinions?

Jocelyn0415 · September 2009

I'm sorry! I would be mortified too. I don't really have any advice though.

MsAlyss · September 2009

Mortified doesn't even begin to explain how I would feel!

dreamscometrue* · September 2009

personally I think you may be over reacting. I wouldn't find it off putting at all if I read a shower was "pot luck". If it is a big shower like that, there is a lot of expense in feeding everyone, plus decorations & favors & all that lies on the host's shoulders - it can get expensive. So I don't seen an issue with it. I wouldn't be embarassed if that was my shower & I wouldn't find it odd if I was invited to something like that either.

imaPrincess · September 2009

My mom, MIL and 2 best friends are throwing my shower (it's a surprise) but my mother did inform me that my MIL wanted this to be a "pot luck" shower as well. My mom told her pretty much "no way in hell." I COMPLETELY understand how you feel! I was mortified that my MIL even suggested it! Sorry I don't have any advice either though.

sandollar · September 2009

I think a pot luck can be cute if it is a small group of close friends, but for a big hall with 30 people? And not mentioning the idea first? Very strange. Like you said, no one expects a meal at an afternoon shower, chips and dip would be fine!?

AMYfromKY · September 2009

I would probably call all of my family and friends and apologize. I am so sorry. You must me mortified.

roxyrulz512 · September 2009

i would be upset to and feel embarrassed but you have to remember that their tackiness isnt a reflection on you .... everyone knows that you didnt make/send out the invitations and they know you didnt plan the shower - so you shouldnt really feel the need to apologize/and shouldnt apologize just b/c it might piss off ur inlaws

so i know its easier said than done, but try not to stress out about it

mtendere · September 2009

Can you just let it go and when people show up bringing food, just act really surprised so that people know you weren't involved? "Wow, you brought food? That's so nice of you."

I don't know what to tell you, it is a little strange.

mrsjrmiller · September 2009

Poor thing. I hope it will not effect your day. Have your mom and a good friend explain how embarrassed you are and tell them to spread the word that no one should feel obligated to bring anything. Some people are weird...

cchill01 · September 2009

No advice - just wanted to say I would be mortified as well. Maybe you could call your out of town guests and any others that would be offended to let them know that the "potluck" doesn't apply to them? I'd also mention something to MIL, so she knows not to expect things from those people.

KandM05 · September 2009

hmm...i do see your point. It really goes against the normal etiquette. However, it depends on the people your inviting on how they will react. For me personally, I wouldnt be offended. But, I dont really get offended easily when it comes to this kind of stuff. I also dont mind diaper raffles,etc, things that others find rude. I would enjoying bringing a food for everyone to have.

Now, the logistics are another thing. If your really concerned about your out of town guests, you could mention to your hosts that your fine with the pot luck, but you dont want it to be a mandatory thing. That they should 'ask' the person who is RSVPing if they can bring something, and if they cant, then thats OK. Just let her know your concerned about the logistics with those who are driving from far away, and that you and your mom will cover whatever is left. Anyways, with 30 guests there cant possibly be 30 different items to assign. so maybe ask that they assign the pot luck food to their side of the family only, or those who are local and not mention it to the rest of the invitees.

Also, if it really really upsets you, then, well, you might have to talk wtih your MIL and tell her that your not OK with this. You will have tod o it soon though, since people will be RSVPing soon.

Good Luck!

dreamscometrue* · September 2009

ok haha I changed my mind...it woudlnt' bother me at all to be invited to a shower & be told it's potluck, but the more I think about it, I would be very embarassed if it was my shower that was the potluck. Can you just tell your SIL that you & your mom will do the food & when people RSVP or when she calls to remind them to RSVP, to mention that it's no longer a potluck?

Sheeks88 · September 2009

I personally am a big fan of potlucks. I wouldn't be happy if i knew people were bringing a present and then asking them to bring food as well. I think it should be one or the other. Feeding that many people can get pricey, but like you said it is in the middle of the afternoon and you offered to help.

applejuiceyness · September 2009

My mom tried doing the same thing for my shower. She wanted my friend to put on the invite: potluck, byob, and bring your own chair!!! I about died. I told my mom if she didn't have the funds to host the shower she shouldn't have taken on the task. DH and I decided we would bbq for everyone and I'll never understand why she wanted guests to bring a chair. My mom is a whack.

SusieQ1982 · September 2009

Wow. I have no idea how to undo something like this but I would be very upset and embarrassed too.

lovebug630 · September 2009

That's really awful. I probably wouldn't go to a shower like that, either. And my mother would literally die from embarrassment, no kidding. Honestly, I would probably foot the bill for some food myself, then call the people who were invited and tell them the potluck thing was a mistake and they don't have to bring any food. I know that's a huge PITA for you, but I bet your mom would help. I'm so sorry!

nealbl · September 2009

i can see why you would be mortified but I wouldn't stress to much about it. Its not that hard to whip up a batch a cookies or buy some chips to bring with you to the shower. I wouldn't opt out of a shower just becuase it was a pot luck. I would be thinking mmmmmm there will be a lot of good food there. But, I am pregnant and food rules my life right now

springbok15 · September 2009

Now this is a legitimate shower vent. Wow! I am so sorry you have been put in such an akward position.

MAprincess · September 2009

That is TERRIBLE. They should have run that by you considering you mom and you both offered to help with food. A middle of the day event with AT MOST 25 people is not a lot food-wise. Otherwise, they should not have offered the shower.

My ILs have a tendency to do tacky things, but they would never have done this.

SpartanGirl · September 2009

lovebug630:
That's really awful. I probably wouldn't go to a shower like that, either. And my mother would literally die from embarrassment, no kidding. Honestly, I would probably foot the bill for some food myself, then call the people who were invited and tell them the potluck thing was a mistake and they don't have to bring any food. I know that's a huge PITA for you, but I bet your mom would help. I'm so sorry!

I was thinking along these same lines. I'd call SIL and MIL and tell them that YOU will provide the food and maybe your mom could call the guests and say there was some sort of misunderstanding and they do not need to bring food.

I'm so sorry. I would be so embarrassed and angry!

executrixie · September 2009

Awful, you can't make a traditionally gift-heavy event a potluck!

bwm2bmw · September 2009

I don't have much to add that hasn't been covered but you are certainly justified in feeling angry and I'd feel embarrassed too, even though I agree with the PP, that it's certainly not a reflection on you but rather your hosts. I also think working something out where your fam covers the food and to let the guests know when they call that they ARENT obligated to bring anything is a viable solution. In any event, sorry you're dealing with this =(

maschmidt16 · September 2009

I would be mortified, too, but remember most people realize that it's not you who is putting on the event. Your friends and family are going to come because they want to see you. I honestly wouldn't think much of it if I received a potluck shower invitation and would just bring a batch of cookies or pick up some chips and dip. Not a big deal, in my mind but then again I am in NH, we're a little more casual around here.

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