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Multiples
So sick of the screaming
Samuel has to scream during all of his naps. Every 3-5 minutes he'll yell usually. At the moment he's just screaming non stop the entire way through. He's perfectly fine. When I go in there to check on him, he stops crying and smiles at me. Now he's woken up his brother who is also screaming and I'm sure my 17 month old is not asleep either (its her nap time, too) since her room is right across the hall. UGH! I am NOT going to get anybody out of their crib though until 2:00 which is the next feeding time.
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Re: So sick of the screaming
I keep going back and forth on whether or not to say what I think about this, because I know this board likes to keep the snark to a minimum, but I can't not say anything.
Is he screaming as in, "oh listen to me yell, what a fun time I'm having!"? Or is he screaming as in crying? If he's crying (especially now that brother is crying too) I think it is ridiculous that you let him cry for that long at 2 MONTHS old, and that you're not planning on getting either one of them for another 30+ minutes! Every parent is different, and if you feel comfortable letting your just barely not newborns anymore scream for that long, then whatever. However, babies that little cannot self-soothe. They just can't. If they stop crying and fall asleep it's because they wore themselves out, not because they are "ok" with everything. He may be physically "fine" and probably just wants to be held, and that can be frustrating when you have 2 other kids, but it's not fair to him to let him be that upset for so long.
If it's only 30 minutes until feeding time, he might be hungry now! Sometimes babies eat more and/or at different times than usual, and if he's hungry now it's very unfair to him to make him wait until it's "time" to eat again. It sounds like you're trying to put them on a schedule that works for you, and that's fine if it works for them also, but if he screams (cries) through every nap IT IS NOT WORKING FOR HIM.
If he is actually crying during every nap, see if letting him sleep in a different place helps. My two would only nap in their swings for the first few months. When they were ready to sleep in the cribs it was the easiest transition ever. When I tried to make them sleep in their cribs before they were ready they would get upset and not nap.
If he's just screaming for fun (my kids both do that sometimes... incredibly funny and annoying at the same time LOL) then disregard everything I just said.
Sorry, but colic or not I stand by what I said. It's not fair to him. If she needs a 10-15 minute break or needs to take a few minutes to tend to the other kids, fine. Understandable. But over half an hour of "screaming" (and she didn't say how long he's already been crying)? Not fair IMO. Plus the other 2 are in bed right now so it's not like she's currently chasing the toddler around.
But like I said, every parent is different and if that's what she feels comfortable doing, then whatever. They're not my kids. I also tried to give her some suggestions to help out.
Colic? No. A DD who spent a solid 2 months crying and screaming 6+ hours most days because of uncontrollable reflux? Yes. Both of my kids had many times where one or the other cried for 10-15 minutes at that age, either because I had to tend to the other one or I just needed a break. But over half an hour? Not unless I absolutely could not help it.
And trust me, I was FAR nicer than many other women on these boards would have been.
/last thing I'll say on this topic
Uh, if you read her post, she pretty clearly states that as soon as she walks in the room, he stops screaming and smiles up at her. Call me crazy but I'm going to put that in your first category of "oh listen to me yell, what a fun time I'm having!"
Hmmm cant help but think that someone called fo-r reenforcement in this post.
OP-have you tried a swing for your LO? Crib soother?
my oh my! Drama on multiples! (wink)
a) a mom of a singleton has no business posting advice here - go ahead, post, but we will just roll our eyes and wonder why you spend time here to begin with, let alone think that you know what it's like to have multiples. (or a toddler plus multiples!)
b) give the woman a break everyone.... I saw nothing in her OP that warranted criticism about CIO, etc.
c) sounds like he's fine and just doesn't want to be alone- which, being a twin AND having an older sibling- he needs to learn how to do sometimes. He stops crying when she walks back in- so obviously he's doing OK....
OP- have you tried a white noise machine? sometimes that gives them just enough to chill out - even if they won't sleep- just to relax and lay there for a bit... will also help drown out the crying noise (turn it up high! )
I know what it's like to have twin infants + toddler... it's not easy - and yes, sometimes someone has to cry. You can't hold one all the time- even when the other 2 are napping- because you simply need that time alone when they ARE napping or you'll lose it!
Shanseur - Are you still around? I really hope you're not feeling horrible right now because of pp. I know I've only read your posts on a message board, but I've always thought of you as a sweetheart based on those posts : )
Both of our boys are absolutely wonderful sleepers and both go to bed and naps awake and fall asleep on their own... and I really think it's because I'm not opposed to CIO when done properly. Neither wake in the middle of the night, and both still take great naps. Once the twins are added into the equation, I plan to follow the same route we did with the boys because it worked great for us.
Only you know your babies and yourself and what is best for everyone. If you think the little man is just messing around, has everything he needs, and you actually have a chance to take a break while the other 2 are sleeping... by all means take it : )
Oh good grief. It did warrant the CIO speech when she said she was planning on leaving them to cry in their cribs for another 30 minutes or so. And I offered plenty of suggestions as to why he might be crying and things she could try at nap time so he doesn't scream through every nap like she said he does. I personally don't think that I was rude in anything I said.
Sorry for having an opinion that most people (psychologists included) hold. I'll stay away from this board from this board from now on since clearly I am too rude and unsupportive.
Did you offer her any alternatives??? No you lectured her and I've learned that lecturing doesnt help at all except make people defensive.
BYE and take your little friend with you...
I DID offer alternatives. I suggested that maybe he just wants mommy, he might be hungry since it's only 30 minutes before feeding time, maybe he isn't ready to nap in the crib and that my two would only nap in their swings at that age. CLEARLY people read what they want to and skip the rest.
You were critical and quick to attack. Look I am a crunchy mama and I am very anti-CIO but your "advice" was tainted with criticism and judgment. So not what she needed at this time.
This was made worse by someone with ONE baby coming in and weighing in on a situation she knows nothing about.
Clearly- YOU also read what you want and skip the rest - as in the post above that had nothing to do with you- it was about the singleton mom's comments.
i digress..... if you want to leave- so be it- but seriously- stop acting like you have been flamed to death here - people don't agree with your way of disagreement with the OP... you disagreed with her and were a little snippy about it ... they disagree with you and snipped back - and yet you can't handle that?
If not- then maybe this isn't the right board for you... because quite frankly- yours is the first rude post I've seen on here in AGES... The women here try to support each other even when they don't agree. If you can't do that, and can't handle it when people call you out on being "not so nice" then it's not a good place for you... but perhaps you are just having a bad day - and will take a breath, and come back- which is fine, too.
Sara, I love you right now.
NO ONE said it was okay to let the baby cry. It was never said "oh yeah let him cry for 30 mins, thats fine". We recognized that the OP needed help and that she was at her wit's end.
If you want to leave the board, then so be it. Dont drag on the drama by posting about this on another board.
Oh JESUS- i had to go and look (and it was easy to figure out what board she posted on)... PLEASE. THIS one post is making her GBCN?????
Someone is dying for attention it seems. Stay on BOTB and don't come to the muttiples board if that's why you are on the bump- b/c those of us on here don't have time to give you the asskissing attention you seem to desire.... it's really sad that you are so bent out of shape over this post... really sad.
and yeah- so happy that a bunch of moms with singletons from BOTB are not coming here to judge --- way to go... cuz THEY know what it's like, huh? haha Oh yeah- some of them babysat twins... i bet some of them even have friends who are twins- so they must be experts in our lives.
Ah, I love this board.
Shanseur, ((((HUGS)))) and I really hope some of the real advice from compassionate MoMs on here was helpful. If you need more help, please don't hesitate to post; most of us on here would love to help any way we can.
Amen sister. Well said.
I couldn't even get through reading all this drama bullsh!t, it was making my eyes cross and my brain dumber.
I will say that CIO for 30 minutes will not ruin your baby. CIO for 45 minutes will not ruin your baby. CIO for an hour will not ruin your baby. PERIOD. He will still thrive and become a stellar member of society regardless of if you hold him up your @ss all day long, or let him lie there all day long. No matter what the age. I don't give a rat's @ss what which pediatric study says now or 20 years ago. It's always changing. And 20 years from now the "right" way to do things, handed down by the pediatric specialists and retard Jenny McCarthy will change. So I don't think anyone holds much clout over "proper" parenting skills except for moms and dads who have BTDT.
No matter if you need a break b/c you can't stand listening to him anymore (CIO is better than shaking any day), if he's supposed to be sleeping but is crying and fussing in his crib, or if you're holding him and he's still crying... HE WILL NOT REMEMBER IT!!!! It will make NO difference in what kind of man he becomes. All that comes from active parenting, which comes much later in life.
So don't beat yourself up over letting your kid cry. I did, but there was nothing I could do (with twice as many kids as the rest of y'all I think I have more than enough of experience to weigh in), sometimes they were just all crying at the same time and one, or more, would cry for extended periods, especially during feedings, where one would cry for upwards off an hour. OMG, and you'll never guess what... they're happy, well-adjusted, smart little kids, probably better off for having to have learned early the lesson of patience. They aren't Chernobyl kids, laying in an orphanage, brain dead, with metal deficiencies, they aren't degenerates looking to slice the next guy with nice shoes on so they can take his wallet. THEY'RE BABIES!!!!!!! And I can still undo all the crap they had to suffer through when they were newborns. Because they're kids... and they're resiliant... and they're not making memories yet. I needed months of therapy to get through all my PTSD and PPD and guilt, so I will save you the time and sum it up in one post. You're all welcome.
OK, I gotta stop b/c I'm getting even more pissed off as I think about the sheep that read ever website and baby book ever created to learn about parenting and taking care of their kids when they should just be trusting their own instincts. And so maybe they'll be the ones who fark up their kids worse b/c they were all about AP and not letting their darling, can't be spoiled before 6 months, baby CIO, but they won't be able to handle the real stress of the teenage years, when their kids will actually need them the most. GAH!
mandisue - you make me giggle
Well said!
Being only 5 days into this MoM thing, I didn't think I had anything to say regarding this OP, but I sure hope she saw this response. I am heading to my other computer to get this printed off. I think this may be the one piece of advice/one true-life story that will get me thru the beyond-hard days.
Thank you for posting - I now have 4 kids as well and am a new SAHM, so I know there will be few breaks and many days they get to cry for more than 5 minutes.
She might need help from a real live person. But she was here - a place that should be a safe, loving, supportive environment. A place that IS a safe, loving, supportive environment - for the regulars. Then there were suddenly two posts from board strangers that were less than kind to someone that we "know" - we have read her posts. We have followed her pregnancy. We know her struggles.
This board introduced me to some of the best women I know. The most caring, intelligent, open-minded, wonderful, amazing people who just happen to have multiples in common. We take care of one another, and when someone steps in to stomp all over one of our own, we are not just going to stand by and watch. We don't have time for nonsense - all of us have a least two, some three, some four and even more children. But we will always take the time to support our fellow MoMs in the best way we know how - by being here.
The ladies of this board know what it is to worry your entire pg. To deliver early. To get bad news. To lose children. To struggle. To spend nights, days, weeks crying and worrying and stressing and hoping about your beautiful children. And we also know what it looks like to outsiders - the stares. The judgements. The looks. We get them enough. We thought we were safe from that here.
We were bothered by you - but more than that - we were bothered that someone tried to take away our place. Our place where we can express our struggles and frustrations that moms who don't have multiples DO NOT UNDERSTAND. One of our own was being judged and belittled in her safe place. That is why we were upset. Justifiably so, I'd say.
Just curious, have you fostered more than one same age infant at a time? Before you get defensive, it is simply a question about your experience as a foster parent. I know that numerous children can be placed in the same home at once. 2 two-month olds are still very different from having a two-monther and say a 10 month old. Still lots of work, but that 10 month old can sleep for longer stretches and is possibly able to hold bottles, self soothe and self-entertain.
OMG.. Shut the eff up. "That close to the edge"? We have all had days where we are close to screaming. That doesn't mean she has PPD OR needs medical advice.
I did not do CIO with my babies until they were close to a year however there are some times when you DO need to just put a child down, shut the door and walk away.
It doesn't take having twins to know that it is better to do this than get so frustrated that something worse happens.
Honestly, I think Leslie was giving her opinion which I didn't have a problem with. This has completely blown up and now people are weighing in JUST to show support for her. If everyone is so solid in their opinions, WHY do they need back up?
THIS is why I stopped coming to my beloved nest. ***RUNS back to the private board***
Bye Bye biotches....
Love. You. Love, love, love you.
Fredalina, I think I get what you're trying to say. But look at it this way: If she wanted responses from a variety of singleton and multiple moms, she would have posted this on Babies: 0-6 months or BOTB or whatever. But she posted on the Multiples board because she wanted to share with--and hear from--Moms of Multiples. And like lutzcowgirlie said, if one of our own is getting judged and belittled in what's supposed to be a safe place, then yes, we are going to step in.
Well said.
And this should be read again and again and again by all the non-multiples-having freaks who are coming in to be lookie-loos. Please go back where you came from.
At least we didn't get out our brass knuckles and call in the troops Warriors style. Jeez Louise!
I am going to call bullsh!t on you not making a peep if the other kids were crying. Point blank. Because you would still have your opinions and want to share them.
Also, I can't help but hope, with all your AP prowess, that you are one of the lucky ones that has kids that won't STTN until they're 5 and come crawling back looking for info on sleep training and Ferber. Again, I'm calling bullsh!t. All kids will learn to self-soothe and STTN and all that other happy horseh!t if you MAKE them do it. They are learning new experiences and ways to handle and deal with their new experiences, surroundings, and hurdles. Setting them up to expect you to come in and save them every time they fart is only setting up a needy kid. And the earlier you nip that neediness in the bud, the earlier they will learn, and the easier it will be to teach them. I'm not saying that 8 weeks is the time to do it; I think it varies by child. And by situation. My oldest was STTN at 8 or 10 weeks and she did it on her own. But with my triplets, at 12 weeks they still weren't anywhere NEAR STTN and all hel! broke loose b/c I wasn't sleeping b/c they weren't sleeping and DH and I were at each other's throats b/c we were AT OUR LIMITS. Nevermind the tool it took on poor DD. So whatever. You can blow smoke out your @ss all day long. I KNOW, becuase I've been there. You do not. And until you have, shut the eff up. I don't know how you can be so judgemental and petty.
I agreed with Leslie in the beginning and agree with her now. I believe it's in how you read the op. This is the internet and frustration, wit's end, annoyance, etc... do not come across the same to everyone. I don't think Leslie was rude as some of you have claimed and she did offer suggestions and even went as far as to say if he's just fussing to fuss then let him be. I even think she made a good point that forcing a schedule may not work for him and he may actually be hungry. Surely none of you would suggest forcing the child to wait to eat because it wasn't "time."
The OP, to me, implied that she was simply frustrated/annoyed today. I did not get that she was close to any edge. And, while I agree that we all need to walk away sometimes and let them scream or that we have to let them scream because another child has to be tended to first, it does not make sense to me to just let the baby cry/scream. If she wants peace then she needs to get him to be quiet. If that means holding him, then let him sleep on her. I get quiet that way all the time. Also, if he's waking up the other children, that causes her that much more drama, so why not hold him if that's what it takes?
While I do not think that a little screaming will irreparably harm a child, I do think that babies, especially that young should be held if they need to be. And, no, she shouldn't have to carry the child 24/7, but we all signed up for this and have all delayed other things in the house or for us because we had to tend to the babies. Walking away one day isn't bad, but to me she implied that she was doing this everyday. Also, her post seemed to ask for suggestions not only for how to get him to quit crying but also why he is crying in the first place. I think he just wants mom.
I don't care about the Fred thing, but I think Leslie was unnecessarily jumped on. I mean, she is one of us, and she was providing her experience and perspective. I don't think her use of the word ridiculous was anymore snarky than mandie's post. I have no connection to Leslie but she didn't deserve all that.
Yeah, I disagree. Any other board that discusses CIO usually erupts and knowing that we are eruption-free and that it would happen if she posted, she prefaced her post. I see no problem with that. I don't think that she meant she was going to be snarky, but just that it would cause drama. And she was right.
Also, what judgment? There was no judgment in her preface.
You can continue to fuss, but I'm over it. I said my piece.
Ditto this!