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Success after IF
Edited. WWYD? VERY heavy topic re: marriage troubles
As many of you probabbly know, I've been dealing with this "issue" my ENTIRE pregnancy when I found out (at about 7 weeks pregnant) that my husband was having an affair.
Fast forward to now, we have stayed together and tried to work it out. At least I have (why? who knows.). I believe the affair has ended (I'm 80% sure of it) despite being told it had eneded (when in fact it hadn't) already once before.
The real problem now.... I don't think I love my husband anymore. I just can't forgive him. I think of him being with another woman frequently and it just disgusts and hurts me too much to feel any sense of connection or romantic feelings. It could just be the pain and anger covering up the love..I just can't be sure.
I've been thinking of leaving. He knows this. I just don't know when - before or after my daughter is born. I had PPD with DS and I am SO afraid of enduring it again. I'm afraid to be alone. In general, but specifically during the first PP months.
I'm so overwhelmed and confused. I talk to a therapit who says I should leave now. I just can't get any other unbiased discussion out of my IRL support (what little there is) because everyone is so angry with him.
I guess I'm just looking for a general concensus. What do you ladies think would be worse?
Thanks so much for taking the time to read through the drama that is my life right now..... 
ETA: I moved to RI to be closer to HIS family. My family is very small and scattered. My dad is in FL. My mom.... we're estranged (long story). O have a twin brother in Boston who is getting married soon. My network of friends here has been disintergrated because they're all the wives of HIS friends. My small network of 2 friends are over 1.5 hours away. I had to leave my job due to my pregnancy suffering from my depression.anxiety over this situation. We lost out on a home that we'd signed a P&S on so I STILL live in an in-law apartment in his PARENTS' house. I have no steady income now. I have no child care arrangements set up as I have been a SAHM for the past 6 months and lost my nanny from when I worked PT evenings. There are no jobs around in my field due to the recession (I have been looking). I will have to mooch off my "Daddy" to survive. And I will be alone.Totally alone about 80% of the time. My IL's will help with what they can and I will be court orderd to start visitations arrangements right away.
I suggested a trial separation but he's an all-or-nothing guy and says no "We should just get divorced then, if you're leaving me anyway, because you'll never come back."
UGH.
[Poll]
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Edited. WWYD? VERY heavy topic re: marriage troubles
I won't lie, the first few weeks/months with 2 kids is ROUGH at times. But going through that without someone you trust will be even tougher. My vote was to leave now, and set up the support network you are going to need BEFORE the baby comes. Because once the baby comes those first few weeks are hard, and you won't be in the 'right' frame of mind to make any good decisions.
That's just my $.02. Good luck no matter what.
Hey lady! I am here for you. I honestly think it is easier for us to sit here and pretend we know what we would do, but quite another thing to actually be in the situation.
My biggest concern is that you do not know 100% that it is over. You have some doubt, and mistrust that may never go away. I do believe we can forgive and move foreward, but affairs are a sticky situation. It was one thing to have a lapse in judgment, be bored, ect and have a one or two time encounter that you regret, and are remorseful from. It is really another thing to tell you it is over when it was not and to coninue seeing other woman.
get out now and bust your butt setting things up for success now, so you have a network and support system for when the baby comes. Maybe that means joining a support group (for PPD, for single moms, for wives of husbands who suck... whatever...) and have that long list of people that can sit with the kids for an hour while you shower in peace, to taking them for a couple days while you unwind yourself.
Get things in place now. Hopefully he'll still be a great dad. But have help in place if not.
You can do this. You are strong. Your kids deserve it.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I really am.
I said leave before baby is here, like it appears eveyone else has so far because I think you will need to get adjusted to being on your own. Have most of the kinks worked out before you LO arrives. It will probably help your other child adjust to one thing at a time.
Sorry you are in this situation, can't image what it like. Lots of HUGS. Stay positive. There are a lot of ladies out there doing a great job on thier own. Let you friends help with the transition.
Best of luck
I would leave before the baby is born (which I know is so easy to say when you're not in the actual situation...)
I think if I wanted to leave (which if this happened with my husband I'm pretty sure I would) I would have to do it before the baby came... I'd be worried that I would be too overwhelmed after the baby arrived and wouldn't have the strength to do it.
I don't know the details of his affair... and you don't have to share them... but I'm 99% that if my husband had an affair that was anything more than a 1 night stand I'd never ever be able to forgive him.. I'd be bitter, resentful, disgusted, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him again, and forget having any kind of intimate relationship again... what would be left would not even come close to resembling a happy & healthy marriage... I know myself... it wouldn't be pretty....and that's not a good environment for a child to grow up.
That being said... you have to do what is right for you and your baby. And if you do decide to leave now (well... even if you never leave) make sure your OB knows you've dealt with PPD before so they can help you stay on top of it.
I'm so sorry you have to be dealing with this at all (((hugs)))
Hannah
ETA: and ditto pp's about setting up a support network now for when the baby does come... friends, family, neighbors, etc who can help you when you need it.
I think we all know how hard IF can be on a marriage. That said, there really shouldn't be any excuse for straying from a marriage.
But what do you think is best for you? Would it be possible for you and your husband to seek couples counseling and talk about the situation honestly? I don't think anyone expects you to trust him so soon after the affair.
I also recommend the book "After the Affair" by Spring and Spring. Not everyone can stay in a marriage after a partner cheats, but plenty of people do and find a way to make it work. No one, including your therapist, can make that decision for you. Good luck.
I am sorry for all that you are going through.
Have you talked to a divorce lawyer yet? My SIL and her husband had issues and when she contacted the attorney when she was thinking of leaving, she was advised not to leave the house as it could be viewed as abandonment of the property. I think before you do anything you should talk to an attorney to find out your rights and what the best course of action is.
Do you have someplace to go our would you be able to afford a place on your own? The attorney might tell you to file something formally before leaving so you can set up financial support, etc.
Good luck. Only you know what is right for you.
I am sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how hard it is to make this choice, but I do believe that if you have made your mind to go you should not prolong doing so, it will only make things harder in a couple of months then now.
Yes it will take some adjustments but you are strong and can make it through anything. Lean on support you may have through family and friends.
Good luck!
After 7 years trying to concieve, 3 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, my third IVF was a success!
My Christmas baby turned into a turkey bird! Dillon Richard was born at 34 weeks, 5 days on November 28, 2009 after 10 weeks on bedrest for preeclampsia.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this! ((HUGS))
My advice would be to leave now too. I read the other responses and I think it's best to set up the support system you're going to need and get used to it now. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, but honestly, IMO, the best decision.
I hope you have great IRL friends and family and we'll be here to support you as well.
Best wishes and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!
We've been in marriage counseling since the day after I found out with no tremendous progress. He still blames me for the affair - for neglecting him during my PPD. For real. Sigh....
I have read the aforementiond book, as well as "Not Just Friends". And yet, here I am, still confused....
Thanks for the reply.
What a lot to deal with. I am so sorry (and I thank you again for reaching out to me when I posted about problems in my marriage.)
It's so easy for those "on the outside" to say "leave 'im!!" But the physicality of actually doing so - the phone calls, the meetings with a lawyer, the arguments with DH, the figuring out of finances, the figuring out who's moving (DH!!), the raising of your two beautiful children largely on your own - boy it sure is easier SAID than DONE.
That said ... it can be done. It would be a lot of work - but it might be very satisfying work. I don't know. There are some marital wounds that can't be healed. There isn't a bandaid big enough. I can't help but zero in on the 80-percent certainty you have that the affair is over. I think there is a reason even beyond the fact that he lied about the same thing before - that has you reserving 20-percent DISbelief.
What about a trial separation? Where you continue counseling together? And to be sure - sometimes the only conclusion a couple reaches in counseling is - this marriage can't be saved. But surely, sometimes they realize it can. But your anger, your hurt - all so valid. Such a painful, terrible betrayal on his part.
I don't think your therapist should be pushing you in any one direction though. It makes me question her talents as a therapist. This is YOUR decision - this is your life - this is your marriage. Only you can decide "enough." Or ... "I want to keep trying."
It is very possible that you don't love this man anymore. And that would be perfectly understandable. And if that's the case - perhaps the best thing to work toward is raising your children separately - but civilly - and with kindness (if/when you can muster some up...)
You don't have to make this decision right now. Sometimes, when you don't know what to do, the best thing to do is - nothing. There is no deadline here. That said, you don't want to keep shoveling coal into a dying fire if you don't want it to burn anymore.
Do you have family support? Who would help you if you were to leave before your baby is born? Would you be able to stay in your home?
THINKING OF YOU AND SENDING YOU (((((HUGS))))) AND STRENGTH!
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
Just my two cents, but I think if you leave now, before the baby is born, you'll have a chance to get settled in your new life and start adjusting to being without your husband before she gets here. I know it won't be easy but hopefully you have a good support system between friends and family and they can help you once your daughter is born.
((HUGS)) This can't be easy and I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. I think getting out of a toxic situation is better in the long run, even if it means dealing with some tough stuff in the beginning.
Take care!
I honestly don't know what to advise, but I just wanted to send you big ((Hugs)) and I hope you figure out a way to make it work, whatever you decide.
A suggestion.... I'm thinking that there are many many women out there that are in similar situations. TOO MANY women.
How about you call or stop by a woman's shelter and see what resources they have? Many areas have housing options, programs for jobs, people who's JOB it is to help get you set up with daycare, heck, they have direct lines to mental health providers and people who can help you get disability payments if indeed you're unable to work. (PPD and depression are REAL illnesses!!)
Although you're not being physically beaten, you are in an abusive relationship that is not good for you or the kids. There are programs set up for women in your situation. Make use of them. (I'm not sure how big of a city you're in, but you may need to go bigger to get the most assistance, at least at first). They can help you get all this stuff lined up, and then you can work on your marriage without all the added pressures, if that's what you choose to do.
GL!
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this situation. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I didn't vote because I don't feel equipped to give you advice on whether you should leave or stay. I'm not in your shoes, I don't know you, I don't know your marriage, etc.
However, if you have decided to leave, and the only remaining question is when, I would think now would be easier than after the baby is born. You will be so exhausted and overwhelmed at that time that you won't need the added stress of leaving your husband, trying to find a place to live, moving, etc. Doing it now will give you time to get settled in. I know you're worried about being alone with PPD, but it doesn't sound like your husband is a great source of comfort to you right now anyway; would he really make things better?
Again, I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.
That is a response from a man who wants you to do the legwork as hs is too much of a coward to start the ball rolling on his own. IF he wanted to make this marriage work, he would be fighting for it.
Hon, I am sorry you are in this situation at all. I would immediately start working on your escape. Would living with or near your dad be an option? Do your DH's parents know of your issues?
I voted for now, before the baby is born. I am not in your situation, so I can't even imagine how hard any of this is. So for that I'm sending you lots of hugs and strength for whatever choice you make.
The reason I chose before is because after the baby comes (as you know) things are sooooooo hard on not just you but also your marriage. It sounds to me like he's honestly checked out of the marriage as much as you have with his "all or nothing" attitude (someone who is a cheater should be begging for forgiveness...not handing out ultimatums-but that's just my opinion) and the lack of progress in the counseling. You've been hurt to a point that I don't know if you could ever heal your wounds. So before the baby comes seems ideal to me.
It will be hard no doubt. If you're not working then now is kind of the ideal time also to make a move. Will your Dad help you? Are you close to him? Maybe moving in with him for a little while until you get back on your feet is what you need. Also, Davez suggestion about the shelters and their resources sounds like something to investigate also.
Don't be afraid to ask people for help...especially your family. Hang in there!
Sorry you are in such a horrible situation. There is no way to justify what has happened with your husbands behavior.
Since no one else has mentioned it, I would like to put out there a site called Divorce Busting. I used them when my marriage was on the rocks- different situation than yours- but we were actually separated for a while. It was a life saver for ME, and ended up helping my marriage. My therapist did phone sessions, which was great with my work schedule. And she helped me survive.
If nothing else it will help you find peace with yourself and situation, knowing you've done what YOU need to do- and not have regrets in the future.
stay strong...
OK - just read your update. Good Lord Best - that's a lot to figure out.
First - where would you go? Would you be able to stay in the apartment? And where do your in-laws stand on all of this - and how do they treat you? Regardless of your answer - he is their son - so the apartment you're in is only a temporary solution if indeed you could stay there - minus DH. I'd say very temporary - so that is something to consider.
Second - how do you know this about the court ordered visitation? Have you already investigated this?
Next - is your dad able to significantly help you financially? And if he is - mooch away! You need help from your family to deal with this - so DON'T feel bad.
Davez has some very good suggestions too - all worth looking into! You need a support network - even if it's a small network! And - we are here too. Maybe not physically - but we are here to listen and respond at your request. Hang in there!!!!
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
We've been in marriage counseling since the day after I found out with no tremendous progress. He still blames me for the affair - for neglecting him during my PPD. For real. Sigh....
This is the VERY reason to leave now. I'm sorry he's an @ss.
Sweetie, i am so sorry for you.
The first thought that came to my mind was to get out of RI. It seems like the only reason you are there is because of his family, him, etc etc. Don't give into his selfishness anymore.
I think you should choose a place that feels like home to you. Maybe move down by your dad. SOmewhere where you feel like you have a support system. I imagine it would be hard to separate your son from his father, but you need to do what is best for your family.
I agree with pp that he seems checked out. If he really was sorry, he should be doing anything you wanted to make this marriage work.
You by no means deserve this and the fact that he blames your PPD for the affair is just awful. I wish i had better advice, but i think the advice that i have read so far seems really good.
Good luck to you and your little ones. Brighter times will be on the horizon, i am just so sorry that it sucks so badly right now.
In this order:
-Set up arrangements with your father. If he has the means to support you while you get things in order, accept his help.
-Contact a divorce lawyer that specializes in divorces involving children.
-Set up both serving your husband divorce papers as well as filing the paperwork necessary to gain custody of your current child and protect the child you are carrying. Make sure it's in the paperwork that you are taking them out of state to your father's.
Make sure all of the paperwork is in order for the kids and the divorce before you leave. I know in some states that just taking a child from the marriage before the divorce proceedings are started can be used against you by your husband if he tried to play dirty. Hopefully he just wants you to do the work and file and he'll just sign and leave you alone.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I would try as hard as you can to get all of this in order before you have another child to care for. That's going to make you that much more stressed and doing all of this now will give you the time to get everything in order and ready for the baby in a few months.
Oh gosh I wouldn't know what to do given your circumstances either. (and that's coming from worlds biggest know it all and a very independent woman.) Of course at some point I'd leave. It's unexcusable in my world. The question is just when.
One thing that concerns me is moving out now. I was thinking that when my mother was considering a divorce she HAD to stay in the house with my dad in order to be able to have custody of the children. (my bro and sis) Have you spoken to a lawyer about those kinds of details? That's not something you want to find out after the fact.
As much as I hate, and I mean hate, to suggest it, I'd probably stay in the house for now with him and start trying to set up a plan. Continue the job hunt (even for something not totally in your line of work but just income for now), try to find a network of support in some way, etc.
The hard part is that you're going to need some kind of leave from the job when you deliver the baby and won't be able to work. At that time there would be no income and no help. That would be rough.
I just really wish we lived closer to you. I'd help in a heartbeat. I'm so so sorry.
My vote was to leave after baby. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
I am different than most I guess. I voted to stay since I know how hard it is to have a newborn (like most on here).
It's not that he isn't trustworthy right?
I agree with mrsreem - another know it all - at a loss for words, but something says there could be legal implications....
hmmm....
this.
Also, if you wait, it will be so much easier to find reasons after the baby arrives to prolong it more. It will suck for a while but you will get through it an be stronger and happier for it. What would you want your daughter to do?
Hang in there!
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I have a friend who went through something very similar (I may have mentioned it the first time you posted about this subject). She found out when she was 8 months pregnant with twins (and already had a 4- and 5- year old) that her husband had been having an affair for 4 months. She chose not to deal with it at first b/c she was so close to having those babies and knew it was probably not the best time to make any decisions. After a period of anger they went to counseling. She didn't feel like she/they benefited too much from it and she still felt angry and she still felt like their marriage was irreparable, and she was incapable of forgiving and moving on. Finally, about 9 months after she first found out they started taking steps to separate. And it was then that the reality of a separation/divorce hit her and she realized that she really did want her husband to be a part of her and her kids' every day lives. It hasn't been easy but things have improved.
The difference here is that he was remorseful and wanted very badly to work on the marriage. I think since your husband is continuing to lay blame, that could be a recipe for disaster.
I've said my entire adult life that infidelity is a deal-breaker. And a big part of me still feels that way. But now that there is a child in our lives I don't know...I might actually try to make things work. I wouldn't do so if there was no love left, or if he was treating me badly, or continuing to cheat. But under the right circumstances I MIGHT decide to give it a shot.
Only you know what is best. It sounds like you have a lot of cards stacked against you right now but if you know you're ready to leave, you should go ahead and do that. Don't stay just b/c it's going to be hard on your own. You can and will make things work if you have to!! Keep us posted...at least we'll be a source of support even if we can't actually help!
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LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
Life is beautiful!
Ladies, thanks SO much for the wonderful, kind words and support you continue to share with me through this AWFUL chapter in my life.
I consulted a probate attorney months ago. I know most of my legal options and still have him on retainer. I would most likely file everything BEFORE leaving (including immediate orders for emergency financial support from H).
I can not leave RI without my H's written consent - which he has said he wouldn't give. Therefore, I cannot live with my Dad. He could provide some financial support for a short time and I do have SOME savings (that in RI the automatic rule is a 50/50 split in a divorce, so even thoigh I banked 90% of it, I'd have to split it because it's a joint account).
I know that the fear of how my life will change is what is keeping me here....with him. I just better be 100% SURE that I don't love him anymore. Because if I go, even with temporary intentions, it's definitely over.
I've been looking fpr apartments.... but since I'm not from RI, all the areas are so unfamiliar to me and I don't even know where to look! I can't stay where I am now. I could NEVER afford it (Newport).
My IL's do know about the situation. They agree with me 100% and said I could stay here rent-free until I firgure out a plan if our marriage ends. BUT he is still THEIR SON. Blood is thicker than water and I don't blame them for that. Plus, I don't WANT to stay here - it's too uncomfortable. Plus, I don't want to rip apart his family (like he did to ours).
I know only I can make the decision, ultimately. I was just looking for some objective insight, which you wonderful women so graciously gave. Thank you.
I know I should leave but I'm so afraid of making the wrong, life altering, permanent decision... and I am petrified of being a single mother of 2 under 2. This is why I waited until my 30's to start a family. =(
Davez.... I've taken your suggestions to heart. I'll look into such programs but I don't think I'll qualify. Plus, H has threatened to use my depression to prove me an unfit mother. WHICH I KNOW IS TOTAL BS and so does my attorney. However, I don't want to involve myself in anything that could jeopardize my future with my children.