Hi, everyone - I guess this is my new board.

ToledoDeux · September 2009

Molly was born last Thursday at 32w 5d - my water broke at 32w 2d, and I was on bedrest on mag sulfate, terb and antibiotics until they could get a round of betamethasone in me for her lungs. We were hoping to get to 34 weeks, but she was having none of that. She was 4 lb, 1 oz at birth.

The beta didn't really take, and her lungs were still quite immature, so she was transferred from the Level II nursery to the NICU the night she was born, and was intubated and given surfactant to mature the lungs. She also developed a pneumothorax, which they aspirated partially with a needle, and it cleared itself before they felt a chest tube was necessary, thank god.

She was extubated yesterday and is breathing fine on her own, and has been getting my colostrum/milk through a tube now. So we feel very, very, very lucky about everything - she is likely being transferred back to Level II soon, and then we just need to fatten her up for several weeks.

I realize that we have one of the best-case scenarios, and I keep reminding myself how lucky and blessed we are....but man, this shiit is hard. I've been struggling to not give in to depression the last several days. I'm sure a lot of it is hormonal, since I did suffer quite the bit of baby blues after DD#1 was born. But being home without my baby is excruciating, and I can't shake an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

I know that realistically I did nothing wrong, but I keep thinking about stuff like: the day I overexerted myself at the state fair three days before my water broke, or all the days I didn't drink enough water, etc., etc. It's ridiculous, and no one knows why she was born early, so I should just move on, right? How do you deal with the guilt, the sadness?

I've been lurking for a few days - and you all seem like amazing strong mamas.

Here's Molly right after birth:

with intubation and bililight:

and last night, when I got to hold her for the first time:

RubyRed7 · September 2009

Oh my goodness she is a cutie! Hopefully that will help carry you through this hard time. My little one was born at 32 weeks as well, and is doing fantastic. Honestly, the guilt comes and goes for me, but got much better when I felt like she would "be ok" if you know what I mean. Once we were home and had her to myself I was truely able to start healing, slowly.

Sorry you've had to join us, but I hope you and Molly continue to do well, and we all will be here to support you!

SWMcFarland · September 2009

Oh Toledo...I've been praying for you!

She is absolutely beautiful!!! She is at a great weight and definitely on the right track.

Honestly, adrenaline kept me going (like the energizer bunny) for 13 full days. The minute we got her home from the NICU, I crashed. The sadness turns to all kinds of things, and somehow, you find a way to deal. This board has been extremely helpful in overcoming a lot of my emotions following Lily's early arrival.

You did NOTHING wrong. There is absolutely nothing different you could have done. Keep strong, breakdown, whatever you have to do, but I promise, you will get through this.

If you need ANYTHING, let me know. I will keep you, Molly, and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

New Wife · September 2009

she is adorable! congrats on your little one! i know it can be tough but just remember everyday is one great step toward getting her home. my little guy is her size now and doing great so keep up the good work! i know it is hard to fit the time in but if you can, try and seek someone to talk to outside of the family. i know our social service lady had lots of counseling information for us available. (i am using the military counseling) but even if it is just once i think it can be really beneficial so you dont let it all build up. talking to family and even dh can be hard because NO ONE will ever fully understand what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves. welcome to the board! keep us posted!

kamcfarlane · September 2009

congratulations on your beautiful daughter!! DS was born at 32w6d and had some of the same issues as your DD. he received surfactant and was on the CPAP for a day, then moved to a cannula for a couple of days. after that, it was just waiting around for him to learn how to suck/swallow.

it's hard. really, really hard. like PP, i did pretty well when DS was in the NICU (except for when he didn't make it home for christmas, that still bums me out), but when he came home, i lost it. it gets better - i promise.

*KatieH* · September 2009

Hey! Molly is so sweet! Congrats to you and your family. Has Matilda had a chance to meet her yet? How are you feeling? It's such a whirlwind at first you will find your groove soon.

Katie