sis is still not excited about pregnancy

lar1203 · September 2009

she'll be 15 wks tomorrow and she's still unhappy about being pg. it makes me so sad. i even tied talking some "sense" into her today. i gently told her she might as well be excited about it because what's the point in being negative since she has no choice about the matter.

she went on and on about how she's not excited, not happy about the baby, not excited about her u/s tomorrow and possibly finding out the baby's gender and reiterated that she never wanted to have kids. i got tear-eyed because it just hurt me that she doesn't the least bit appreciate the baby growing inside of her and what a blessing it is.

i know i can't make her want to be pregnant. i just wish she'd feel differently about the whole thing. i'm sure it will just take some time...

if you've gotten this far, thanks for reading.

goodgalpal · September 2009

I wish I were pregnant. You should tell her about all the women that are desperate to have a LO. If she TRULY does not want it, would she consider adoption? Would you be able to take the baby?

SapphyrEyes · September 2009

I have to agree... Would she consider adoption? I'm so sorry that she's not excited. But you never know she might do a complete 180 when the baby arrives. I hope she does get excited. It would be sad for the baby to grow up knowing they aren't wanted. And again I'm so sorry. ((hugs))

lar1203 · September 2009

goodgalpal:
I wish I were pregnant. You should tell her about all the women that are desperate to have a LO. If she TRULY does not want it, would she consider adoption? Would you be able to take the baby?

she hasn't mentioned adoption. dh has actually said in passing that we could take the baby if she doesn't want it. i think adoption is an amazing thing, but it would be so hard for me to let my niece or nephew go live with another family. i would want him or her to stay with us.

i hope i'm explaining that right. it's just that i love the baby so much already.

SapphyrEyes · September 2009

lar1203:

goodgalpal:
I wish I were pregnant. You should tell her about all the women that are desperate to have a LO. If she TRULY does not want it, would she consider adoption? Would you be able to take the baby?

she hasn't mentioned adoption. dh has actually said in passing that we could take the baby if she doesn't want it. i think adoption is an amazing thing, but it would be so hard for me to let my niece or nephew go live with another family. i would want him or her to stay with us.

i hope i'm explaining that right. it's just that i love the baby so much already.

You explained this very nicely and right. And this is my personal feeling *if she doesn't get excited at all and really can't deal with having the baby after he/she arrives and you guys can do I'd definitely think hard about taking the baby to be a part of your immediate family.* But that is just my opinion and you can take or leave it. No offense is meant in any of this. It breaks my heart as well to hear this.

Lady Galadriel · September 2009

My dad volunteered to adopt my cousin for many years. She ended up going to live with my grandparents which has been good for all of them. I also have friends that took over the care of their niece and raised her as their own. Her kids even call her grandma. Its not that strange of a thing to offer.

lar1203 · September 2009

SapphyrEyes:
lar1203:

goodgalpal:
I wish I were pregnant. You should tell her about all the women that are desperate to have a LO. If she TRULY does not want it, would she consider adoption? Would you be able to take the baby?

she hasn't mentioned adoption. dh has actually said in passing that we could take the baby if she doesn't want it. i think adoption is an amazing thing, but it would be so hard for me to let my niece or nephew go live with another family. i would want him or her to stay with us.

i hope i'm explaining that right. it's just that i love the baby so much already.

You explained this very nicely and right. And this is my personal feeling *if she doesn't get excited at all and really can't deal with having the baby after he/she arrives and you guys can do I'd definitely think hard about taking the baby to be a part of your immediate family.* But that is just my opinion and you can take or leave it. No offense is meant in any of this. It breaks my heart as well to hear this.

i have to agree with you. i'm really hoping she will change her tone later in the pregnancy, or when she has the baby.

funny thing is- she's great with ds! she's good with kids; her original college major was elementary education, though she later changed it..

i would really hate for the child to even have the idea that it wasn't wanted. that would be heartbreaking.

Alirebco · September 2009

A lot of women feel this way with unplanned pregnancies and something does click with them after the baby is born. Hopefully that will happen in her case. It can be really hard to connect during pregnancy, especially if you don't want children. But once you can actually hold the baby, it changes things for most women.

If not, I would talk to her about letting you adopt the baby. I think that would be a great solution.

lar1203 · September 2009

Alirebco:
A lot of women feel this way with unplanned pregnancies and something does click with them after the baby is born. Hopefully that will happen in her case. It can be really hard to connect during pregnancy, especially if you don't want children. But once you can actually hold the baby, it changes things for most women.
If not, I would talk to her about letting you adopt the baby. I think that would be a great solution.

i'm praying this is what happens. i truly hope for a change of heart.

thejennigirl · September 2009

There is a thing called prenatal depression, Lar. It often occurs when women have unexpected pgs. Give her time and space. The worst thing you can ever tell a woman struggling to accept a pg, is to be grateful. She's already struggling w/ guilt over not wanting to be pg. She has to come to terms w/ this on her own.

I've been there. She's mourning lost plans and dreams she had for herself. You've mentioned that the father and her aren't in much of a relationship, so that's probably weighing on her too. The fact she didn't abort, says a lot. Give her time, space and a shoulder to cry on, and try not to offer advice, but listen.

ElloPoppet · September 2009

One of my best friends got pregnant very quickly after she started dating this guy that I had gone out with a few times but ultimately rejected for my Hubby (VERY funny, complicated, ridiculous story behind all that, but I won't include it here). She didn't let herself get attached to the baby until she had her 18 or 20 week ultrasound. I don't even think she had been able to hear the heartbeat until then, thanks to state health care. She had some issues with PPD, but ultimately loves her daughter and is now a fabulous mommy, which I know shocked a lot of people, including myself. Maybe your sis will have a similar turnaround

I'm glad you have a supportive Hubby that is open to bringing the child into your home if necessary. A+ in my book!

I myself am excited but absolutely terrified of having a child. This baby is WAY ahead of schedule for us, so while I am always very pleased to see an u/s or hear a heartbeat or feel him/her poking around in there, the rest of the time I'm in "WTF were we thinking?!" mode. I come to these boards to reasure myself that I can handle this and trick myself into thinking I will be prepared when the kid pops out. It helps me a lot to see other people excited about their current and or future children

lar1203 · September 2009

thejennigirl:
There is a thing called prenatal depression, Lar. It often occurs when women have unexpected pgs. Give her time and space. The worst thing you can ever tell a woman struggling to accept a pg, is to be grateful. She's already struggling w/ guilt over not wanting to be pg. She has to come to terms w/ this on her own.

I've been there. She's mourning lost plans and dreams she had for herself. You've mentioned that the father and her aren't in much of a relationship, so that's probably weighing on her too. The fact she didn't abort, says a lot. Give her time, space and a shoulder to cry on, and try not to offer advice, but listen.

i understand what you're saying. i've been through all this over and over in my head.

i rarely put in my two cents with her, as she is a very defensive person. i just wish she could see how this is a chance to change her life for the better and actually have some direction and purpose.

all easy for me to say, right?

*speedracer* · September 2009

her feelings are such a personal thing. everyone goes through different experiences; she still has more than halfway to go with her PG. if she never wanted kids, i can totally understand how she feels the way she does and you need to respect her mourning for how her life will change. her feelings will probably change in the future, but that's up to her, not you. she probably wants a sympathetic ear, not people trying to talk sense into her.

kelbrian · September 2009

More than likely, she will change her tune as her pregnancy progresses. DD was not wanted at all. It's horrible to say, but it's true. It was a terrible time for me to get pregnant - I was in the midst of depression and an eating disorder.

But when my belly started to grow, when I felt her kick inside of me, when I saw her on the U/S and found out that she was a girl, everything changed. My life had meaning. Her life had meaning.

If she can't find it in her to accept this child, then let her know later on that your family is willing to accept it. That is a generous, brave, and wonderful thing to do for a child.

TCsbride · September 2009

I've been here before and cried many many nights over it. BIL got his gf pregnant and they were kind of on again off again anyway. So of course she said they were putting it up for adoption, no question about it. I cried and cried and cried thinking how I'd never meet my probably one and only niece, how DS wouldn't get to grow up playing with his cousin or even knowing her like I'd imagined, but I obviously didn't want her in a bad situation either.

Well, adoption was al set up, we even talked to the state about DH and I not even being given the chance to adopt but they said we had no say. BILs GF had the baby and it was even with the adoptive parents. On day 5, when she was supposed to sign the papers, BIL and GF couldn't do it.....they took the baby back at 9pm at night and by 10pm they were at our house borrowing EVERYTHING.

While I must admit she did turn into a good mom....she SUCKS at being a GF! Her and my BIL are currently fighting over custody and everything right now after she beat him up! I haven't seen my niece in 2 months since the "situation" and I only see new pictures of her on facebook. =(

thejennigirl · September 2009

lar1203:
thejennigirl:

There is a thing called prenatal depression, Lar. It often occurs when women have unexpected pgs. Give her time and space. The worst thing you can ever tell a woman struggling to accept a pg, is to be grateful. She's already struggling w/ guilt over not wanting to be pg. She has to come to terms w/ this on her own.

I've been there. She's mourning lost plans and dreams she had for herself. You've mentioned that the father and her aren't in much of a relationship, so that's probably weighing on her too. The fact she didn't abort, says a lot. Give her time, space and a shoulder to cry on, and try not to offer advice, but listen.

i understand what you're saying. i've been through all this over and over in my head.

i rarely put in my two cents with her, as she is a very defensive person. i just wish she could see how this is a chance to change her life for the better and actually have some direction and purpose.

all easy for me to say, right?

Would you tell someone muorning the loss of a loved one's life to be happy because the person was ill and is now in a better place? Knowing you, probably not. She really is mourning her old life/dreams she had as a single woman, and those are dead and gone to her now. Let her mourn. She loves you, I'm sure, but you can push someone in her situation away very easily.

I'm certain, deep down, she knows how wonderful being a mom is, after all, she has you for an example. She's just in widows reeds for her old life.

Give her hugs and an ear, and celebrate with her when she gets past this hurdle.

lar1203 · September 2009

thejennigirl:
lar1203:
thejennigirl:

There is a thing called prenatal depression, Lar. It often occurs when women have unexpected pgs. Give her time and space. The worst thing you can ever tell a woman struggling to accept a pg, is to be grateful. She's already struggling w/ guilt over not wanting to be pg. She has to come to terms w/ this on her own.

I've been there. She's mourning lost plans and dreams she had for herself. You've mentioned that the father and her aren't in much of a relationship, so that's probably weighing on her too. The fact she didn't abort, says a lot. Give her time, space and a shoulder to cry on, and try not to offer advice, but listen.

i understand what you're saying. i've been through all this over and over in my head.

i rarely put in my two cents with her, as she is a very defensive person. i just wish she could see how this is a chance to change her life for the better and actually have some direction and purpose.

all easy for me to say, right?

Would you tell someone muorning the loss of a loved one's life to be happy because the person was ill and is now in a better place? Knowing you, probably not. She really is mourning her old life/dreams she had as a single woman, and those are dead and gone to her now. Let her mourn. She loves you, I'm sure, but you can push someone in her situation away very easily.

I'm certain, deep down, she knows how wonderful being a mom is, after all, she has you for an example. She's just in widows reeds for her old life.

Give her hugs and an ear, and celebrate with her when she gets past this hurdle.

thanks for the advice, since you've been in her shoes before. i will update with any breakthroughs she may have.

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