Trouble bonding...

franciscaz · September 2009

Am I the only one who has struggled to really connect with their premies? I dunno what it is but it is hard to make that really close connection right now Sad

TriciaJoy · September 2009

It's not just you.

Honestly, even full term, healthy infant's moms can have trouble bonding right at first.
When you add a traumatic birth, babies tucked away in plastic houses where you have to ask permission to touch and/or hold them, the chaos of learning everything you have to learn about their health and care.. Your body is very likely in panic mode. your emotions are just on the back burner while you deal with what is essentially an "emergency situation."

It's completely, completely, completely normal. And it will come.

Looking back, it was many weeks before I really felt connected to Robbie, and I don't think it REALLY happened until he was home. Even after he came home, sometimes it felt like I was babysitting and someone was going to knock on the door and want him back.

Susan_KW · September 2009

Tricia explained it so much better than I could.

While Zoe was in the NICU, and even once she came home, I was in crisis mode. Letting myself bond with her was a slow process of leaving crisis mode and slowly releasing my fear, worry, and hyper watchfulness for/of my daughter.

Zoe is my first child and I don't have anything to compare the process by which I felt bonded to her to. I would say it took many many months and was never a sudden feeling. In all honesty the process is still happening now.

Rachel&Joe · September 2009

I second what Tricia described above. It's so hard to explain because I love Stella so so much. But I still feel like I was so robber from the whole bonding thing. Especially since I was so worried for so long that she wasn't going to make it. At times, I still feel so detached. I think it gets better as time passes. Hugs to you.

Mrs. Destructo · September 2009

I completely agree with the previous posters. The situation you're in is so, so far from normal and the way things are supposed to happen that it's just about impossible to bond with your babies.

Just keep chugging along, sweetie. Don't beat yourself up about this. I promise, the bonding will come.

FutureMrsDenman · September 2009

Ditto the PP ... it takes time but it does come eventually. While in the NICU things that helped for me included (once they would let me do them): kangaroo care as often as they would let me, being there for feedings once we started to nipple her, giving her a bath, changing her diapers myself, and doing other "cares", dressing her and changing out her isolette, and just sitting there reading to her. I was in a different situation, I had only one and no other children at home and I was off work the whole time she was in the NICU. I say those things helped in the NICU and they did, but I didn't feel really really bonded with her until after we were home.

mommamorris · September 2009

i felt the exact same way. i talked quite a bit about it on my blog... i think it makes people nervous or embarrassed to talk about, but it is a very real side effect of having a preemie. (i think particularly a micro preemie.)

as wren has gotten older and healthier i have become more and more "her mommy" and have bonded with her like i didn't think i could at the beginning. being able to help with cares and hold her really nurtured the bond. and now that we have a go home date (next wednesday- yay!) i feel for the first time like i have a daughter for real... it's like they just gave her to me for the first time.

i was so taken back by my lack of maternal instinct at first. (maybe it's not normal for everyone.) but, i loved her in an abstract "everybaby" way, not like she was my own, for a month or so...

hang in there, it will come.... and you'll feel more like their mommy soon.

Denesdia · September 2009

The responses above are a good example of why this board is awesome. I just want to add that I also underestimated the power of the pregnancy/birth hormones, the trauma of it all, the way my life was on hold for the NICU, etc as a huge impact on my bonding experience. Zoey has been home with us since May, and I am just starting to feel like her mom. I feel confident and more connected to the rest of the world, and I think she feels it, too. Be patient with yourself.

KellyMichelle · September 2009

It is very normal. When DS was in the NICU and even first home I didn't feel a bond with him. I liked him, but I just didn't really feel like he was mine. I really think it has to do with not being able to make decisions for/about them. Once he was home and we settled into a routine and I was his primary caregiver I started to feel that bond.

I really worried that it wouldn't happen, but we are very close now and I love him and feel more connected to him than I ever could have imagined. It will come, just give it time.

ShanaNChris · September 2009

The PP explained it well...Lily is my first child so I also didn't have anything to compare it to. The NICU is "un-natural" to say the least. Trying to bond with a nurse watching over you is hard and BF with a nurse watching over you and asking how long, etc. is tough too.

I remember about 2 weeks after Lily was born finally telling her that I loved her when we left for the day, and I wondered why it hadn't occured to me to say this sooner. But I was also scared of getting to attached, which is so sad, and having to say Goodbye, I didn't know if she was going to make it (she had 2 NEC scares).

lemen99 · September 2009

Yes! very normal.

To be perfect honest, I was almost scared of my son at first! I was scared of what was to come, I was a little disappointed in myself, and he looked a little scary (red skin, very skinny, tubes, etc...)

Bonding was gradual and really took off when he came home!

ijack · September 2009

TriciaJoy:

It's not just you.

Honestly, even full term, healthy infant's moms can have trouble bonding right at first.
When you add a traumatic birth, babies tucked away in plastic houses where you have to ask permission to touch and/or hold them, the chaos of learning everything you have to learn about their health and care.. Your body is very likely in panic mode. your emotions are just on the back burner while you deal with what is essentially an "emergency situation."

It's completely, completely, completely normal. And it will come.

Looking back, it was many weeks before I really felt connected to Robbie, and I don't think it REALLY happened until he was home. Even after he came home, sometimes it felt like I was babysitting and someone was going to knock on the door and want him back.

This.

I will say that I loved her the first moment I laid eyes on her and I know that doesn't always happen with preemies. BUT it was a LONG time before I really felt like she was mine. Near the end of her NICU stay when her nurses would let me do everything for her, it really started helping. It sucks having to ask permission for everything. It sucks when nurses spend more time with your babies than you do. Everything sucks. But soon you'll bring them home and they'll be all yours and you'll bond with them in no time... good luck!

TripMomma · September 2009

I had a real hard time too, when we started kangaroo care it got better but having them home was when we really bonded with them.

jlc071903 · September 2009

Yeah...I had this issue too....I think our real bonding took place once they were home, b/c it was like they were really REAL b/c they were there with me...I used to call myself the faux-mama when my girls were in the NICU b/c all I could really do was pump for them and hold them ocassionally...oh and change diapers. It sucked. it was so COOL to finally have them home and cuddle with them.

TriciaJoy · September 2009

speaking of jlc's "faux-mama" thing. In the NICU, any time something quasi-normal would happen, we'd (us and any of the other parents around us) always say "like a real baby."
The nurses would always correct us and say "he IS a real baby" or just look as us like we were nuts. I don't think they get how surreal the whole thing feels as parents.

mommamorris · September 2009

we say that all the time too! and get the same response... people definitely don't get it. how hard it is to leave your baby somewhere and go on about your life with it always at the back of your mind. (or the forefront for that matter.)

crystalpopcorn · September 2009

This sounds perfectly normal to me. I spent every day at the NICU with Will, but it took a long time to develop that insanely deep bond that we have today. I loved him and loved spending time with him, but it took a while for it to sink in that he was really mine. Honestly, I don't think I felt totally connected until he was home from the hospital. Even then, it was not right away. Today, my love for him is overwhelming. Hang in there. You will get there.

purplepuggles · September 2009

i had so much trouble bonding while jack was in the hospital. it didn't feel like he was MY baby. i couldn't be there all the time and i felt like the nurses knew him and liked him better than i did. i hated being away from him, but the hospital caused me such anxiety that after the initial tears at leaving each night, i felt a sense of relief, and then guilt for feeling relieved at getting a break from the monitors etc.

once he came home it was better. once he was over the newborn stage (about 6 weeks adjusted age) it was GREAT. it will happen; just give it time and do not feel guilty for not feeling it right away. totally normal

*HUGS*

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