Do you worry about your care provider's bond with DC?

cruisebride2005 · September 2009

So this may be flameworthy but I need some feedback...

DS starts daycare on Tuesday and will be a little over 15 months. ?I stayed him with him for the first 7 months, DH stayed home with him for 6, and MIL has been looking after him since June since DS's daycare doesn't take children under they are 15 months old.

The daycare that we've gotten into is great - its a 5 minute walk from our house, is located in the same building where I work, is bilingual (in the two languages that DH and I speak to DS) and is highly recommended by a number of friends and colleagues. ?We weren't sure whether we were going to get a spot since the wait-list was long but managed to get the last spot this fall and are thrilled.?

However, MIL has now offered/requested(?) to take DS once per week, notwithstanding the fact that we will still be on the hook for paying 5 days per week. ?DH thinks this is a great idea, citing DS's young age, the benefits of one-on-one time with Grandma, and the fact that it would make MIL very happy. ?The problem is that?every bone in my body tells me its a bad idea. ?MIL has been doing a great job with DS this summer...she takes good care of him and he's happy. ?I don't know why I don't want this - part of me thinks that she doesn't feel that our decision to send DS to daycare is the right one (and that she thinks she's "saving" him)...but a much darker part of me doesn't want DS to develop such a strong bond with any other family member other than DH and I. ?I don't know why I can't shake this particular feeling but it somehow seems easier to have him develop a bond with his daycare providers than MIL, who has a tendency to sometimes forget her place.

I don't want to be unreasonable here so I'd be grateful for some views from others.?

??

jamie5315 · September 2009

Have you talked to your DH about why it feels wrong to you? Personally, I would love the chance for one of DS' grandparents to be able to watch him and form a stronger bond but that's just not possible.?

smacb · September 2009

I wish my MIl wanted to spend time with my son. I grew up close to my grandmother. It's a special relationship. If your child can have that it may be a blessing. It does not mean that you are not mom and your child will not be any less attached to you.

teacherjess · September 2009

I would actually feel absolutely the same way you would. It may be flame-worthy, but really, I would. If it were me, and I were in the same situation, I would say I would just leave DD in daycare all five days if you are paying for it anyway. However, my MIL has a tendency to really dumb everything down for DD and it drives me nuts...I wouldn't want her responsible for DD a day a week. So it really just depends on how you feel.

Brewtowngrl · September 2009

I think a great bond with grandparents is priceless, but I would also worry about upsetting DS's schedule at daycare. I do think you are over thinking it. Your child will never have a greater bond then they do with their parents. No one can replace them.

anna7602 · September 2009

The question you are asking is a little different than the title of your post, so I will try to get to that first.

I think it's a gift for children to be able to develop bonds with family members besides their parents. My parents question a lot of my parenting decisions and can drive me crazy, but I make a concerted effort to let them spend as much time with DD as they want, even though I have to endure a lot of criticism from them as a result and worry about whether they will respect my guidelines. I had an amazing relationship with my grandmother, particularly when I was older and ended up moving very close to where she retired. It was only after she passed away that I learned how tense her relationship was with my mother (her daughter). I am glad that despite her frictions with my mother, I was able to grow up close to her. Did I ever think she was a replacement for my mother? No way. Did I ever try to "get away" with something I didn't think my mother would otherwise let me do while I was with her? Of course. That's what happens with grandparents. But I was completely conscious that the nature of our relationship was different than the one I had with my parents.

All of this is to say that I don't know all the specifics of your situation, but I think it's worth considering your MIL's offer unless you think being with her would endanger your child in some way. Just make sure you set very clear guidelines if there are things you feel strongly about, such as what to feed him or how far she can take him from home, etc.

As for the daycare provider aspect, I never sent DD to daycare, but we did have a nanny for about 8 months before I switched to WAH. It actually made me kind of sad that DD developed a closer bond with her nanny than with my sister who lives outside this country or even with my MIL or FIL who live a 3-hour flight away. It felt somehow wrong to me at the time that DD should love someone that much who was not a blood relation.

Judah'sMommy · September 2009

It seems you're asking 2 questions. As to the first one, I think that Judah's bond with his grandparents is very, very, VERY important. Did I emphasize that enough? My father is probably DS's favorite person in the whole wide world (as in, he will cry when my dad leaves the room, even if I am holding him). I LOVE that, because my father is also one of my favorite people in the world. Seeing the joy that they bring each other is priceless. When Judah was sick yesterday my mom called every hour to see what his temp was, until I finally broke down and asked her to come over. Some people might think of it as overbearing, but I love the fact that she was so concerned about us and him. She doesn't overstep her boundaries any other time so I could accept it for what it was -- a grandmother needing to look after her child and her grandchild. IMO a child can only benefit from having as many people as possible that love and care for them.

As far as a DCP goes, I wouldn't have a problem with him going to grandma's once a week if that was possible. It will become part of his routine. I have worried for the last 3 weeks that I've been working and Judah has been in daycare about him forgetting me. Well -- he has been sick for 2 days, and he wouldn't even let DH hold him yesterday, and this child is a total daddy's boy. He needed his mama, and no daycare or grandparent or daddy for that matter was going to make him forget who I am to him.3

GL with whatever you decide.

newportbride715 · September 2009

I think a close relationship with a loving grandparent is never a bad thing for a child.

I also think no matter what, no one replaces your mother and father.

*KatieH* · September 2009

So from your title I thought this was going a different direction. We live 3 hours away from my side of the family and about 1.5 hours away from my husbands we don't see either side really that often because my husband works so much. You have a great opportunity for your child(ren) to have a close bond with their grandmother and if I were in your shoes would allow it to happen. Growing up we lived 5 mins from my Gram and Pop and still to this day I am extremely close to them and I love love love that I am that close to them.

My son goes to daycare, in-home, while I go to school. The woman islike another grandmom to him and we love her for it. She loves him and treats him like a grandson. What more could we ask for!?! And in return he loves her. Him growing a bond with her is also teaching him to love and trust others which in the future I think will be beneficial.

If you don't want your mil picking the baby up just tell her so and maybe she could take the baby for a couple hours on the weekend. Would that work for you? Maybe it's hard for her after having him alot to all the sudden not see him anymore.

IckyThump · September 2009

I think it's a personal decision. If you feel that MIL is going to be overbearing and overstep her boundaries with DS, then keep him in daycare 5 days a week. I wouldn't have a problem with either my parents or my IL's taking DS once a week. Three of my grandparents died when I was a baby and my grandfather was very sick for most of my childhood so I missed out on that grandparent bond. I'm looking forward to DS being close to his grandparents because I think it's a very special relationship.

flyingsaucer · September 2009

DS started daycare at 5 mos. I was heart broken and felt so guilty at first. He became very attached to one of his caregivers and LOVES her. In my brain, I am happy about this. To be totally honest, in my heart, at first it was really hard. I worried that he would not know I was his mama and that he would love her more than me. The feelings passed, and OF COURSE I am happy that he spends his day with someone he loves and who adores him. But I am only human and I accept that. Sometimes I still have so many mixed emotions about leaving him (in daycare, with my mom, whoever). I think that makes me a good mom :-)

Mrs.McLovin · September 2009

If you think MIL will overstep her boundaries as grandmother, then talk to your DH. What does he think? Do you otherwise like this MIL?

I personally would not leave my DS with my MIL because I think she lacks common sense. Nice lady, but I could totally see getting a call from the ER because she is an idiot.

My DS loved daycare! So I see nothing wrong with going there 5 days a week. But I also think that one day with a grandparent isn't going to upset his routine. If my mom would take him one day a week, I would go for it. But I trust her.

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