help - dh wants me to quit job

Rah · September 2009

usually most moms would love this...but I'm really torn. i have a huge college debt, i carry the insurance for the family (at no charge), and i've worked 10 years for the government and it has taken me a long time to move up the ranks. but once we have number two my dh really wants me to stay home with the kids. Idealistically it sounds wonderful, but it also sounds like a financial headache. I grew up in a household that was always "broke", i grew up with that term embedded in my head. I didn't want that for my children. not to mention, I actually enjoy working (most of the time). oh, and to top it off the economy is so bad it's not like i can pop into another job like the one i presently have once my kids are in school. how does one make this decision?? i don't even know where to start. re-reading this i sound kind of selfish.

Temp159135562506975 · September 2009

would you LIKE being a SAHM? I know i wouldn't... i'd go crazy if i was home all day with my kids every day.... that is the first tihng you need to ask yourself. If you would like it - then consider the money aspect.

it's not so easy for women to quit and then get back into the work force years later... which is why many women keep working even if they don't need to - because they LIKE their career and their adult time, etc.

I love my job - i like having a career. I love having kids. I feel i have a great blanace. I will be part time when i return from maternity leave - which to me is the best of both worlds. If i couldn't do part time I'd be full time for sure - i do not want to be a SAHM.

your Dh should not be making this decision- you should- with his input and support for whatever you choose.

Rah · September 2009

good questions. i think i'd be lying to myself if i said i'd love being a sahm - i never thought of that for me growing up. i always pictured me with a career, couple kids, husband, and a cat. lol so far so good.

I know i need that break but for some reason i struggle with guilt. my dh doesn't try to make me feel guilty (at lease i hope not) he just looks at the money part - it's two thousand bucks a month to have two kids in daycare full time and how equals one of my paychecks and some of the next one - is the money I actually bring home worth it. I think it is considering the health benefits. it will definitly be a mutual decision. i'm really going to have to sit and write out the pros and cons on this one. boo.

MrsAmers · September 2009

You don't sound selfish to me. Having financial security and good health insurance are strong arguments to work.

Personally, I don't think I would be fulfilled as a SAHM and I would always want to at least work part time. My happiness is an important component to having a happy family.

Why does your DH want you to stay home? What's the difference between having 2 kids and having 1 to make that decision? What if he was a SAHD since you carry the insurance?

Don't let him make you feel bad or selfish for wanting to work. But do have a long talk about this decision and let both of you get your feelings out on the table. It's a big decision and you both want to be on the same page.

MrsAmers · September 2009

Rah:
he just looks at the money part - it's two thousand bucks a month to have two kids in daycare full time and how equals one of my paychecks and some of the next one - is the money I actually bring home worth it. I think it is considering the health benefits. it will definitly be a mutual decision. i'm really going to have to sit and write out the pros and cons on this one. boo.

I'm in a similar spot. 1 in daycare was 1/3 of my take home pay, so now that we have two in daycare I'm not bringing home a ton. But, I'm putting money in my 401K, I'm maintaining my career and once we get out of this recession, my COL pay increase will outpace the COL tuition increase at daycare.

When you consider those factors in addition to the fact that you carry *free* insurance for the family, I don't think there is a strong financial reason for you to stay home. But you and your DH should run the numbers (look at taxes, too) to make the decision.

Good luck!

momofolivia · September 2009

sounds like you really don't want to SAH. That isn't selfish, especially for the reasons you listed.

If you SAH and you are doing it to appease your DH, then you will become unhappy and grow to resent DH or your DC. Not a good situation.

Maybe ask your DH what he hopes to expect out of you becoming a SAHM. Can he SAH? Sounds like you a major contributor to the household (esp. insurance). Can you work PT?

There is a broad spectrum of options between FT WM and SAHM.

Halo79RN · September 2009

how much does his health insurance cost? is he factoring that in in his thinking of you sah? If you like your job, stick to it. It's a rough market to test the waters at risk of losing an awesome job. now if it's what you've always wanted and you know you can swing it.. that's a different story.

EverAfterinMi · September 2009

Hey Sarah!

Given what you just said.. I wouldn't quit. I would love to be a SAHM but ONLY ONLY ONLY if my Dh were going to make up my entire salary or a huge % of it and we could still live like we do. And honestly, I would not want to stay home 5 days a week. I'd still need to do something formself at least once or twice a week. And like you said, the way the economy is around here, I wouldn't give up a good thing!

RoxyLynn · September 2009

momofolivia:
If you SAH and you are doing it to appease your DH, then you will become unhappy and grow to resent DH or your DC. Not a good situation.
Maybe ask your DH what he hopes to expect out of you becoming a SAHM. Can he SAH?

Exactly what I was going to say.

erinms · September 2009

RoxyLynn:
momofolivia:
If you SAH and you are doing it to appease your DH, then you will become unhappy and grow to resent DH or your DC.? Not a good situation.
Maybe ask your DH what he hopes to expect out of you becoming a SAHM.? Can he SAH??
Exactly what I was going to say.

I agree. ?You definitely do not sound selfish to me- it sounds like you are really putting your kids at the forefront as you struggle to figure this out. ?I think you guys need to talk about it more. ?It doesn't sound like you want to stay home, based on your post. ?

Also, how would you do health insurance if you quit? ?That is an essential, and something really important that you bring to the family.?

AlisaS · September 2009

If you would be unhappy being a SAHM, then it doesn't really matter if childcare takes up ALL of your salary.

Why does he want you to SAH so much?

Rah · September 2009

thanks ladies for all the feedback.

so now to answer some of the questions.

First, dh makes more than double what I make so him being a sahd would not work - he really is the bread winner. His health insurance is great (meaning full health/vision/dental) but costs around $500 a month. And why does he want me to stay home? Well, honestly I think that was my doing. I had said at some point that it would be great to stay home (but that changed once I rolled up on the 3rd month of maternity leave) and probably because he hears me whine about missing my son when I'm at work bla bla bla. Also, because he thinks my ds would be better off with me than a daycare. I really think his intentions are good but I think you ladies pointed something out - I probably would resent him a bit and that's NOT good. Sounds like I need to make this decision by myself. He'll support me no matter what but since I value his opinion it would be nice to be on the same page.

and hey everafter how are you and ALL you kiddies!?

jen5-03 · September 2009

Well it doesn't sound like your kids would grow up hearing the word broke all the time even if you didn't work. But if you think you could be happy at home if you were financially secure, then why not give it a trial run?

Pay daycare and any big work-related expense from your salary. Put the rest in savings (I would go so far as to change your direct deposit to make this easier). From DH's salary, have an automatic payment setup to take that $500 of insurance costs to savings and the rest goes to checking.

So now you have a better idea of what your monthly income would be with you at home and you can see what it feels like to really live off of it for 6 months or so. Maybe it will make you more comfortable with the idea of staying home... maybe it'll make your DH less comfortable with the idea. But if nothing else it should be a nice little boost to your savings account, so it won't hurt anything!

I don't think everyone is cut out for staying home, and there are lots of non-financial reasons for working, but this seemed to be your main concern about it in your original post.

Rah · September 2009

jen5/03:

But if you think you could be happy at home if you were financially secure, then why not give it a trial run?

Pay daycare and any big work-related expense from your salary. Put the rest in savings (I would go so far as to change your direct deposit to make this easier). From DH's salary, have an automatic payment setup to take that $500 of insurance costs to savings and the rest goes to checking.

So now you have a better idea of what your monthly income would be with you at home and you can see what it feels like to really live off of it for 6 months or so. Maybe it will make you more comfortable with the idea of staying home... maybe it'll make your DH less comfortable with the idea. But if nothing else it should be a nice little boost to your savings account, so it won't hurt anything!

great idea - i obviously never thought of trying that out! garsh you nesties are so smart - see that's why I come here, ya'll are so much quicker with responding than my irl friends. ha ha! that would be an excellent chance for us to get a feel if we could really do it - at least the financial part of it - and then off to figure out if being a sahm suits me. thanks again!

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