Viewing bonding as an ongoing process
Just thought I would share how bonding is going for me now that we are finalized and it's been a little over a year since she came home.
About 6 months ago I finally got that sense of being bonded with her--she was finally, totally, completely mine. The finalization in May only further enforced those feelings. It has been a wonderful feeling to get there, but then I got her final birth certificate in the mail with my name on it.
Instead of feeling more bonded, I just felt strange about the whole thing. I suddenly felt like I wasn't her 'real' mother. All my doubts and detached feelings came rolling back. How would my DD feel to look around and not see herself in any of our faces or have any of the same traits? How do I get over the feeling that I'm not her only mother? I thought I had dealt with the hurdle of bonding, had bonded and moved on to simply being mother and daughter.
I realized that I've been stressed and not sleeping well for the past month, and that I haven't spent much one on one time with my DD. This weekend I really focused on her - reading books, cuddling on the couch, swimming (that's the best since it gives so much skin to skin contact) and all those doubts melted away.
What I realized is that the relationship with my children is no different than any other relationship. I have moments with everyone in my life that I feel closer with sometimes more than other times. However with most of the people in my life I have a long history with or an established foundation that I can fall back on when I don't feel as close to them. With Charlotte, we are still building that history and foundation. Bonding isn't a moment, but rather an ongoing process. That thought made me feel completely normal.
Re: Viewing bonding as an ongoing process
You're so right. It is a process, not a moment in time. There are milestones when you can look back and realize that a new level of bonding has occured, but even now, 6 years after our Gotcha Day when I can still see it at work.
We did a return visit to China this summer where DD got to meet her orphanage director, foster mother and to see her orphanage. Surprisingly, we re-bonded after that happened and have experienced a new level of closeness as a result. It was also really amazing to watch her bond with her caregivers in China. Even with the language barrier, there was just an closeness that was really special. She had no memories of China so I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. Our shared experience and the journey to China itself and the fact that now there is a "picture" to all of the people, places and things that I've told her about for a few years are now real.
I went through a very emotional phase prior to our trip where I was fixated on the fact that others would look into my daughter's eyes and wouldn't see me, but I have learned that they do see me in her speech, her expressions and her behavior.
BB&J
This jives with everything I've ready and come to understand about bonding. If you look at it as a developmental/growing process, of sorts, it starts to make sense.
When a person learns something new, they usually regress in some way. Once the new thing becomes more comfortable, the child generally regains the temporarily lost skills. For example, when a child learns how to walk, he/she might not sleep as well or might have difficulty doing simple tasks that he/she has already mastered. But, as he gains trust in his new-found tottle, he/she can once again perform those tasks and sleep peacefully.
If bonding is a growing relationship, then it makes sense that there are times when we feel more detached (this would be the regression). It also makes sense that these periods are brought on by something that seems significant to the relationship. And it would follow that, once some time passes and we deal with the new information/event, that we feel even stronger bonded to our children.
Thank you so much for continuing to share your story with us! It really helps to know that it's okay and normal to struggle with these issues. I know it is so personal to you, but by sharing, you are helping each on of us to know what to expect, and what to look out for. You are so kind to be so open, and I truly appreciate your honest and frank retelling of your story.