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2nd Trimester
the last dh vent?
i think ive decided i have to leave.
i tried talking w/ him tonight and got nothing but "i do everything and you sit on your ass all day" about a hundred times.
i know noone here really knows me, but that is the exact opposite of my personality (writing one post i usually get up at least twice...) so the fact that he can sit there and say that to me so many times is a complete slap in the face. not once do i get any kind of appreciation but hes the first to jump on me for not vacuuming every day or not finishing the laundry, etc...
i feel like i deserve better than this. maybe at least someone that can have a civil conversation w/ me when im obviously hurting...
i could really use some advice. im bauling my eyes out and he is sleeping cozily in our bed....
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Re: the last dh vent?
Not sure if you've tried this or not, but have y'all tried marriage counseling? Would your DH be up to going?
I'm so sorry you're going through this...especially while being pregnant.
((hugs))
he refuses. his current reason "we dont need it- you just need a reality check."
i've yet to figure out what that means....?
awe honey. i haven't read all of your posts, but a few of them. It seems like there are a lot of different issues here. I feel so bad for you. First and foremost.....he must not realize what we as women go through when we are pregnant.... but i do think that this has to have come from somewhere else prior to pregnancy.
have you thought about counseling? maybe you should write him a letter with all ofyour thoughts. that always works for me. be honest and vulnerable...it will be the only way he really hears you. if he doesn't then i would seek counseling.
GL...and i will pray for you.
sounds like he's not even trying? who in his life treated him like that? not that it matters if he's not open to changing his behavior.
i am so sorry you're going through this. maybe you telling him you want to leave will be a wake up call. but you have to do what's best for you and your baby. good luck.
Well...I know that when my dad got back from Iraq, he was depressed. So my mom called the chaplain (or someone else who deals with that sort of stuff). Even if its just for you. Maybe there's a different way to go about saying or doing things (in NO WAY am I saying you're a bad wife, or that its you're fault).
He obviously needs some sort of help. Or maybe there's a friend he has in his unit who can talk to him or with him about this stuff (who's experienced what he has).
yeah i thought it would be a wake up call too.... instead he said 'whatever makes you happy queen' in a sarcastic voice and turned off the light...
the stupid thing is i KNOW he has ptsd.... but if he refuses to get help am i really just supposed to sit here and wait for him to change his mind??? its only going to keep getting worse until he gets the help he needs and i just dont think i can handle any more...
Gosh, I'm sorry. I read all your follow up posts as well. He's just being downright mean to you. That's not how you treat someone you are supposed to love and respect. What is his tone like when he speaks to you? Sometimes people don't realize how cutting words can be.
If he won't go to counseling, you don't have many options. It doesn't sound like he thinks there is a problem, but he's not being honest with himself. I remember being with boyfriends and if it was nearing the end, I could get a little rude/mean, almost as if I was trying to push them away first, and it sounds like that's what he's doing.
Maybe you should go somewhere for a few days so each of you can come back together to talk with a clear head?
Good luck with whatever happens.
Hi there! I read all of your posts and I just wanted to tell you that I have been there before (except I was not pregnant at the time).
I think my DH went through a bad bout with PTSD shortly after his last deployment and it nearly wrecked our marriage. He said and did a lot of the things that you says your husband does to you. It was really hard for me and I can't even begin to imagine what a soldier goes through during and after deployments, but it affects not only him, but his loved ones too.
If I could give you any advice, it would be to vent to ANYONE except for him and take some time for yourself and go visit with family or friends for awhile if you are able to. My husband and I "separated" as in I would spend a few weeks away from him with my family while things settled down at home and it caused us to fight less and appreciate each other when I came back home. Our first year of marriage was so unbelievably hard but I refused to give up on him and I refused to give up on our marriage no matter how many times he hurt my feelings or neglected me when I needed him the most.
I tried to get him to seek counseling, but he refused as you said your hubby did too. I think soldiers are afraid that if they seek counseling for PTSD, it will have a negative effect on their career later on and that their peers and co-workers will look down upon them as being weak (which I think is far from the truth because it takes a STRONG man to admit he has a problem). Maybe you could offer the suggestion to him that he seek help somewhere that is not related to the military so that it would be completely confidential to him and if that doesn't work, you could try seeking help for yourself and ways to deal with him that lead to better outcomes.
I just want you to know that I really feel for you and even though I went through the same, I can't imagine how much harder it would have been if I were pregnant. If you are able to get away for a few days at a time, please try it. It worked wonders for my husband and I and now our marriage is so much stronger and our love for each other is deeper than I ever imagined it could be, and to think I almost gave up!
I really hope things work out for you, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers
I would encourage marriage counseling before leaving for good. I'm not saying that his comments weren't hurtful because I'm sure they are. Please be aware of everything going on right now. I know I'm a little more sensitive right now with pregnancy hormones, I don't know if you are feeling like that.
Hang in there!! Good luck with whatever you decide too!!
I don't have any experience at all with PTSD, but it really sounds like he could have that. The other thing that comes to mind (and I truly hate even bringing it up) but his actions kind of sound like he's having an affair. (distant, moody, not affectionate) It's very common for men to feel "trapped" when a baby comes into the picture because it's a big responsibility for the rest of his life and he also feels stuck to his partner.
In any case, I am so sorry you are going through this, especially while being pregnant. Please feel free to vent/find support any time on here. Wish I could help more.
thank you hun!!! i think im going to try to stay w/ my parents for awhile which half of me is screaming thats a horrible idea (my parents are very quick to turn on him when hes an ass) but the other half of me just cant be here any more. i KNOW its the ptsd and not really him, but who/whatever this is doesnt care about me... and i DESERVE better than that.
You need to do whatever is best for you and the baby right now. If you feel that is to leave, even for a while, do it. If that doesn't feel right you can always do something else. Regret is the worst, and then you won't ever regret not leaving. Maybe he needs to realize how serious you are. Since he won't get help on his own, you could try to get help for him. If you did leave you could have an ultimatum that you won't reconcile with him unless he tries counseling with you. My DH suffers from PTSD from and abusive childhood. He is not abusive to me in any way but has litte patience and alot of anger. I asked him to get couseling for years and finally I just called the number, First Call for Help which is 211 in our area. I answered a bunch of questions with the intake person and then walked into the living room and handed him the phone. He was shocked but he has been attending couseling once a week for a year now and there is a huge improvement. Don't suffer 13 years like I did.
im actually kind of glad you said this b/c it is something that we have struggled w/ before and when this started happening it was the first thing that came to my mind and i just assumed it was b/c im paranoid about it or something. im hoping thats not the case, like it wasnt before, but maybe it is.... who knows...
wow. just when i didnt think it was possible im even MORE pissed!!!!! so dh left his phone on the counter and i decided (since IM sleeping on the couch and dont want it waking me up at 4am) that i would be kind and plug it in for him. of course before i did that i looked thru it (mostly b/c when we were talking earlier he said ALL his family and friends were texting him asking why i said he was a shitty husband on fb- which i DIDNT do) and the last 5 days are full of texts from MIL and his friend "S" (whos wife is a GREAT friend of mine) back and forth talking *** about me!!
S: rockband? DH: divorce?
DH: evil spirits have taken over ambers (me) body S: maybe she got them from rhi (his wife) DH: well at least rhi knows how to clean a house, ill trade.
the MIL texts are too long (spanning the last 4 days) to even WANT to type out. and she called me this morning to 'check on me....' REALLY????? WTF!!!!
?At least there aren't texts from another woman, right? ?I'd probably flush his phone down the toilet out of spite though.?
I am so sorry for his crappy behavior. It sounds like the further you dig, though, the worse it gets. You can't help him until he wants to be helped- you are the only one you have any control over in this situation. It sounds like the best thing to do is to get out of Dodge, at least for a little while. Maybe some distance would do both of you some good. Also, even if he won't go with you, consider counseling on your own. It's amazing what the right therapist can do when you're in an abusive relationship- and right now, your H is being emotionally abusive.
Just from hearing about those texts, I'm fumed up for you as well. That's just not fighting fair. An adult would confront the person they have issues about...not skulk off and talk about them behind their back. I'd also have half-a-mind to tell dear MIL to tell you how she really feels instead of acting all nicey-nice to you and talking bollocks behind your back. Not right at all.
I've learned from the past that the influences of friends and family can make a situation worse than what it needs to be sometimes (meaning his friends and family).
I'm with others on this... 1) Get yourself out of there. Even if just for a few weeks to get your head together and and help make any decisions you need to with a clear mind. 2) Surround yourself with people who will support you and think about the situation objectively. 3) Get counseling for yourself at least. You'd be surprised at how talking to a complete stranger who has no ties to your relationship can help you reflect on the situation and help you deal with any feelings you have.
At the end of the day, your #1 concern should be YOURSELF and YOUR BABY, full stop. If he's going to slag you off and not make an effort, then it won't be a healthy environment for you to be in anyway -- especially once your LO is here. Fair enough if his actions/words are related to PTSD, but it doesn't mean he gets to drag you down with him.
My heart goes out to you and I really hope you can find the help and support you need.
thanks ladies for all the posts! DH says we can sit down and have an adult talk tonight and ill go from there....
when the end of the day comes i still love him w/ my entire being, but i know that this isnt him and more importantly i know this isnt good for my LO.
im hoping tonight goes well and that he starts to realize that he really needs help before he loses the best things he has....
He sounds like he's the one that needs a reality check. If he's treating you this way now, how's he going to be when you have a child to raise. Is that going to be all your responsibility too? Is he going to say he's been working all day when he gets home and doesn't want to do anything to help with baby? Sorry, but he sounds like an ass.
I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this, especially while pregnant.
My DH and I just went through something similar this year, he was also in the military and went to Afghanistan and was different when he returned. I know that he has PTSD and he didn't want to talk to anyone about it or get help for it either. I think that you are right about them feeling like it is weak and that other friends in the military will look down on them. Part of me is angry that the military didn't pick up on it better and do more about it when he got back.
He was constantly disrespectful, called me lazy, made me feel horrible all the time and was starting to be aggressive (he would throw things when angry and punch holes in the walls, break things etc.) I decided that I needed to leave after having an argument on the phone with him about something silly (I believe it was about me being home late or something) and I came home to a hole in the wall and the phone broken.
He was extremely hurt when I left and initially blamed everything on me, saying that leaving was worse than anything that he had ever done etc. I let him calm down and I also listened to what he had to say (over the phone) and told him that in no way does it mean that I am requesting a divorce at this point, I just can't live with him when he chooses to be so aggressive and hurtful.
It took a long time (about 8 months, 6 of which I was in a hospital, so that is slightly different but it allowed me time to work on my own issues that needed changing) and now we are happier than we have ever been. He still has moments of anger but it is NOTHING like it was before. He realizes now how he was treating me and that it was unacceptable. Things are so different now it is amazing.
I forgot to say that we did go into marriage counselling while seperated (He was also 100% against the idea initially until he realized it was the only way to get me back) and what I learned about him in counselling made a huge amount of difference. One thing that I found helpful was that being in the military and going overseas he had to get into a mindset that allowed him to do the things his job required of him and being in that mindset and doing those things put him in a dark place, if he allowed himself to feel emotions the way that we feel emotions then he would not be able to do what needed to be done. Also, he had a hard time seeing how people lived over there and the things that children and women and families go through and found it difficult to come home and listen to me complain about a bad day at work, or for me to take a break after a long day at work and watch tv. The things that we take for granted were hard for him when he got back.
Hopefully this made sense, sorry that it is so long, I just know how this can feel and wanted to let you hear my experience with it and what I learned. I hope your talk this evening goes well and things get better for you and your DH.