Kind of upset- advice please!
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I've been with DH for two years. We have a baby on the way. He has a son from a previous relationship. His son's mother doesn't like me.. Wait no she HATES me. For whatever reason. When we first got together (before we were married) she didn't even want DH to bring me with him when we went to get SS. We've always had a rocky relationship with her.
Well a few weeks ago after we picked SS up for our weekend he turns to me & says, "Mana, (he can't pronounce Amanda) my mom says you're not allowed to hug or kiss me." I was very hurt & almost wanted to cry but I didn't. I said, "Yes I can. I love you." And I hugged him & kissed him on his forehead.
Usually when BM comes to pick him up he will come hug me goodbye. Now he has stopped doing that & will say, "Mom tell Mana she's not allowed to kiss me." He also sometimes says he doesn't wanna come with us when we come pick him up.
DH & I *know* that BM is putting this crap in his head to try to turn him against us. How can we deal with this? It really hurts me because he's always been so loving towards me.
Thanks for any advice 
Re: Kind of upset- advice please!
I'm sorry. It sounds like BM is jealous and feels threatened.
Given that you've said she has always disliked you, directly calling her out probably won't help. Right now, I'm guessing she thinks that you are trying to take her place as Mom. And these feelings won't go away overnight.
I suggest trying to find ways to communicate that you love SS, but that you are not trying to replace her. Here are some thoughts:
-Can DH call or email her, and say something like "DS has been saying some weird stuff. He's been saying that he isn't supposed to hug or kiss Amanda." Stating the issue like this isn't accusatory, but might help start a dialogue.
- Can you, her and DH go out and get coffee or something to get to know each other better? After we got engaged, DH and I did this with BM and her H. I wasn't looking forward to it, but it turned out to be a nice, friendly conversation. I think made all the adults feel more comfortable.
-You might want to check out the website bonusfamilies.com.
GL!
Yeah DH needs to deal with his ex on this. IF she wont knock it off, the only thing you can do is file a petition requesting that she stop. It's a slap in the face type of thing but might get her to knock it off if she thinks she may be in trouble with the courts.
Its heartbreaking. Our BM did the same thing once upon a time. She's just jealous that you have a relationship with SS. Its her insecurity and she shouldn't let it come out to a child like it obviously has.
I get that BM is being stupid and childish, but why would you go with your Dh to pick up/drop off SS if it makes her mad and aggrevates the situation?
Why not say your goodbyes/hellos out of her range, in your own home so that she cannot interfere? Wouldn't that make life easier.
My H's ex hates me too. Which is one of the many reasons in the last 5 years I have gone with him for pick ups/drop offs maybe 5 times.....all because there was no other alternative,but the rest of the hundreds of times I have stayed home. Why would I go when the outcome is always going to be irritating and upsetting?
Kiss and hug the kid double before you put him in the car.
To keep insisting that he hug and kiss you when his mama makes him feel bad about it is selfish and douchey. Plus it puts this poor child in the middle. Have some consideration for the difficult position he's in and make the adult choices.
It's nice to be hugged before he goes but you're the one who gets something out of it, mainly to prove that you do what you want. Congrats, Cartman. She gets it. But in doing that, you've made this child you love feel even more torn that his mama's bitterness is already doing.
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This really sux, and I am in the same situation. SD is 5 though, sounds like your SS is a bit younger. SD tells us she isn't even allowed to say my name at her mom's house. Nice. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do to make BM stop this behavior, and believe me, I know hearing that sux! Your DH needs to talk with her, preferrably in email and just let her know that it really isn't appropriate for her to be sayin these things to a child and you are part of SS's life and are not trying to replace her blah blah blah, etc.
As for dealing with SS, again DH needs to try and talk to him and just reassure him that it's ok for you to love him or hug him or whatever. And then keep doing it. I know it hurts to hear him say things like that to you, that you shouldn't hug him, but just push past it. Those aren't SS's words, they are from a mean and selfish person.
I know that in our situation, my being in the car will add fuel to the fire. I know that SS will get the 5th degree when she sees me. Why was she with you? Where were you? Where are they going?
It is not fair to him, to have to go home to a mother who is irritated, and that irritation is always worse if she glimpses me. I am thinking of the SS here, I really don't care what she says to me, although she knows better than to approach me, I just don't want SS to be put in that position. So while yes, she should get over herself, I will always be the bigger person and not put SS in that situation, unless there is no other option-which has happened on occasion, but like I said maybe 5-10 times in 5 1/2 years. Can it be inconvenient yes, but that's life.
What a bioch. Putting the child in the middle. Making him feel guilty for caring about an adult in his life.
I don?t have any advice, but I wanted to tell you that I feel for you and that BM needs to grow up and be an adult.
Ummmm well my stepson is 4 so I don't really think she is yelling at him for hugging me. And I don't hug or kiss him in front of her unless he comes to me & hugs me. I have never made him. When I told him yes I was allowed to because I love him it's when we weren't around her.
I think this is a good time to introduce "BM's house = her rules, Dad's house = his rules."
Say BM sets rules for him when he's with her, Dad has a lot of the same rules and some that are different. This is a rule that is different. When he is at Dad's HE PICKS who he hugs and kisses and when.
Don't force hugs or kisses on him, but let him know that when he's at Dad's, Dad and you aren't going to stop him from hugging and kissing. Say BM can make rules for that at her house.
BM tried laying down a rule after she learned the boys were calling me "mom" that they couldn't call me mom and they weren't supposed to "love any girl" other than her. We just said with us they were free to call me whatever they were comfortable with at home. We said when they were with her, they follow her rules. When they were on a visit, and we talked on the phone, they called me by my first name some of the times (and some of the times we heard her in the background prompting them to say my name instead of mom). It's petty and childish, but the best way around it is just to not let BM's rules rule your house.