Latest BM drama (REALLY, REALLY LONG)

anniya77 · August 2009

SO, many of you know about the drama of my BM. She's not psycho or anything like that, just a pain in the arse. However, I hit my breaking point with her a few weeks ago. She went off on my DH via email because he asked her for a day to take SS to the county fair and managed to drag ME into it.

A little background. SS has officially been diagnosed with a mild form of ADHA. He's been taking medications for it, and we've been working on getting the right one for him. She is adament that the medication last all day and that he not take one while at school because she's worried about the stigma of having ADHA and everyone knowing. Whatever.

The child psychologist that he also goes to suggested to DH and BM that they take a course called parent-child interactive therapy. BM wanted to know if I should participate too. Whoa, right? she wants me to be involved? What? I think maybe we're at a turning point. Wrong.

Anyway. these classes happen to be on our visitation night. Which means our visitation ends an hour early. SO, for the past 2 months, we've lost 8 extra hours. We're still going to lose at least another 10. DH asks a week prior to the fair if he can take SS one evening. She tells him no, because all week, she has him in evening sports (2nights of karate, 2 nights of baseball) and that weekend, they're leaving for her mother's house 2 1/2 hours away for the weekend.

And in addition to that, she goes off and starts throwing all of these low-blow insults at him. And yes, she started it. And THEN, she brings my good name into it, and comments on how he feels the need to attack her (he didn't) because he can't control me and the fact that I'm taking our son to Iowa. WTF did that have to do with anything.

SO, I emailed her.... The following was the first email:

Since you decided to drag my name into this conversation, I feel that I need to respond.

First of all, Greg and I made the decision TOGETHER for me to go and visit my family in Iowa, whom I haven't seen in 2 years (a concept you would never understand) so that Kaleb can meet his great-grandparents and family that lives there. Had G been able to, he would have joined us, and E quite possibly would have gone along as well.

What I don't understand is why you think G needs to control me? As someone who seems like an independent woman, I would think you would want to raise E to be respectful of women and their right to be independent. I guess I was wrong.

Since I've been around, Greg has never seemed to care about what you do in your life, other than when it comes to E and his life. I find it ironic that YOU judge my taking Kaleb for 7 days to Iowa, 1 WEEK out of a 52 week year, and you have taken E for about 49 weeks of the year. All Greg is trying to do is preserve the little time that he has with E, as well as the relationship that he, and our family has together.

I am sick of trying to be the bigger person where you are concerned. I'm tired of you completely ignoring me when we're in the same room unless you're forced to acknowledge me. Rick and Myra have noticed it on nearly every occasion that we have been in the same room, and have commented that they don't know how I do it. They are shocked by your rudeness.

I have tried acting respectful where you are concerned. When E brings up something about you, I smile, ask respectful questions and only talk about you in a positive light. I can only imagine what you say about me to E. I would guess that if my name comes up, you probably ignore it.

I've noticed that E is incredibly loving and respectful towards me... but only when you are not around. Why is that, D? What have you said to him to make him believe that he cannot acknowledge me, say goodbye or give me a hug and a kiss before he leaves?

Did you know that E came to me 3 months ago and wanted to know if he could call me "Mom"? He and I sat down and had a long heart-to-heart about how "mom" is a special name for the person who carried him around in her tummy, and that I thought that you would be very hurt and upset if he started calling someone else by such a special name.

I have always had Es best interests at heart. I'm sick of you acting like this is some sort of competition between the two of us, rather than a mutual relationship to try and raise a spectacular little boy.

I will not be attending tonight's meeting. Greg will be explaining to the therapist exactly WHY I am not there. And this is why: I'm afraid that if I go, I will be unable to hold my tongue. I'm afraid I will say something in front of E that he doesn't need to see or hear.

That was her response.

I know whatever I say to either of you is wrong and any issues you both have in your life and marriage is my fault?I play the big villain in your lives. I wasn?t making a comment about you but rather about Greg and his insistence of taking ?low blows? at me (did you read his sarcastic email to me or only my reply?) when he is mad. I don?t know your relationship but I know how he was with me and when he gets mad he tries to ?hit? as far below the belt as he can to be mean? that hasn?t changed (he even had to call me last night to warn me that his last message was ?extra mean?). I have learned during that time that I need to ?swing? back or he just won?t stop. I hope he doesn?t do this to you and he treats you better than he treated me ? I wouldn?t wish my experiences with Greg on anyone.

I feel that I am encouraging of E?s relationship to all of you (remember I brought him right to the hospital when Kaleb was born after being told that I wasn?t even allowed in Wood County when he came ? I wasn?t welcome per you I was told) and he frequently talks to me about all of you. I am encouraging and supportive. I am the one who ?talks? him down before you guys get there and he is upset that he has to go. I am the one who has to deal with the temper tantrums and ?bad attitude? when he comes home every other weekend. And then of course when I tell Greg any of this, I get a ?good,? ?I am glad this is happening to you? response?

I have told Greg before, E is a different kid when he is with you guys ? I think he feels he needs to walk on egg shells and ?stay in line? otherwise he will hear it from Greg. And then when he comes home, he acts out trying to get all of that built up ?anxious? out from the previous 48 hrs (there are times when he walks in the door, goes and sits down and just cries? not a tantrum, just a good down and out cry. After about 20 minutes, the he dries everything off and then goes on with his evening. This breaks my heart). To be honest, when he comes home I don?t know what kid I am going to get ? the sad kid or the angry, tantrum throwing kid. As a mother, I DO believe, Jenn, you act as a good ?buffer? for them and their relationship and do help to smooth some things over. He usually speaks warmly about you, which as his mom does make me happy and appreciative.

My only issue with you is your (or at least Greg?s assertion to me) feeling that we have 3 parents making equal decisions about E. I have stated from the beginning that he has two parents and I feel the decisions about him and Greg and I?s. I think if the roles were reversed, Greg would not like it at all if my husband made decisions about his son. If you have an opinion, I can understand you discussing it with Greg, you are married, but then when I get from him ?jenn and I vote? for this or that? If we need this to be a ?team? project, then lets go all the way and I will start giving my opinions about Kaleb? yes I am being sarcastic and I am sure this point won?t come off correctly but what else is new. Again, I know everything I do and how I handle and parent E is wrong as far as Greg is concerned (which to be honest he also leads me to believe is your opinion as well? and this is why I feel you aren?t supportive of me as his mother). But in the end, I think I am doing a great job raising him to be warm, caring, loving, smart person and I don?t need Greg?s ?approval? ? which I think bothers him as well.

I guess in conclusion, thanks for taking care of E when he is there and loving him. I agree, he is a great kid and always know that I will do whatever I feel I need to protect him and make things ?ok? for him.

While this was a fairly cordial email, I was still pretty pissed off. It took me 3 weeks to compose my response.

I've had to sit and mull this over for quite some time. I was a little baffled and really wasn't quite sure how I was going to respond without exploding all over you.

The relationship that Greg and I have has nothing, what-so-ever to do with you. At all. We have a very healthy and open relationship. We aren't afraid to argue with one another, and we typically keep it above the belt. Not that it's any of your business.

If you think I don't read most of the emails that are sent between the two of you, you're wrong. In no way are you innocent when it comes to the "low blows". In fact, I would say you're just as guilty of initiating those blows as he is. The first email that he sent you in the string that intitated these emails, if you would look back, was very cordial. There were no "low blows" in it. But you are the one that got rude.

But two weeks later, that's neither here, nor there. You're both in defense mode the moment you see who the email is from. Both of you need to learn to communicate without losing your temper, or the next 15 years are going to be extremely long and nasty ones all around. And that's not fair to Evan. You know as well as I do that he can sense the tension between you and Greg. He's not a dumb kid.

When it comes to Evan "walking on eggshells" if anything, it's because of me. Because I don't believe in coddling him constantly. I am not a helicopter mom. I encourage him to be independant and to do things for himself, like getting his own glass of water or cleaning up his own mess. I insist on good table manners and using a spoon and fork correctly. I insist on him drinking all of his white milk at the dinner table because it's healthy for him. (By the way, I cannot tell you how much it pisses me off when you undermine Greg's and my rules in our house-- for example, telling him he doesn't have to drink all of his milk when we're finishing up dinner. You've done it multiple times both at our house and at Rick & Myra's.) Greg is probably 10x more lienent than I am. And if there are issues, Greg and I typically handle it together. And typically in a Super-nanny approved way. We balance each other out, and if one person is getting short or can't handle it, the other jumps in. Why not try supporting Greg and I instead of telling Evan you'll talk to Greg and make it all better? Maybe trust that we're two grown adults who can provide proper care for Evan?

We treat him extremely well. We have a lot of fun when he's with us and do a lot of activities. He's not in charge at our house, though. He has rules and chores and he is expected to follow them-- nothing major-- just things like putting his clothes in the hamper and picking up his toys when he's done playing with them. He gets tons and tons of one-on-one time with his dad. No, he doesn't spend the full 50 hours that he is with us just with Greg. But they try to work in a few hours of time to go fishing, play ball, etc. together. We do things as a family, as well-- such as eating a home cooked meal together, going on outings, etc. We make sure he has downtime that he can just play with his toys rather than being ushered all over the state. We avoid filling up all of his time away from school with tons of activities. (because let's face it, 75% of his awake time is at daycare or school-- thru no fault of your own. It's just reality)

The reason Evan acts the way he does on Sundays when you pick him up is more than likely because he hasn't had a nap. Which is because you insist that he doesn't need one. If you recall, most of the tantrums with him have started since you told Evan that he doesn't need to take one when he's with us. So we don't have him take a nap unless he's totally unbearable. We rarely have had meltdowns like that on Fridays and Saturdays- with the exception of the recent med change issues.

I will say that Greg's response to you when you tell him about a meltdown have to do with the fact that you always seem to blame Greg over the meltdowns. When, as you've found out, they're usually pretty unwarranted. Meltdowns, especially in the first two years I was there, were a pretty regular thing. And much of it was in response to rules being in place.

And before you say that you try to make sure you do what's best for Evan and do what is important to Evan-- The kid is way overbooked. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200301/the-overbooked-child) from 10 hours at preschool to 2 hours and karate or baseball every night of the week that he is with you is insane. Look at all of the studies and articles out there. I don't understand why you think that it is okay to have him in two sports (three in the summer if you count swimming lessons) at the same time. At the high school and college level they don't allow it. Why would it be good for a 5 year old boy?!? How is it healthy for him to rush from school, go thru McD's, and play hard for another couple of hours and THEN go home, take a bath and go to bed? When does he get his downtime? Like it or not, he is like his father in that sense- he needs a chance to decompress. And its only going to be worse now, because you drop him off at what? 7-7:30am? So he wakes up at least by 6:30? Then goes to daycare for a few hours, then to school-- 2x a week all day, then back to daycare for another 3 hours or more without any sort of nap.

You're right. I didn't want you in the hospital. I was extremely specific about not wanting you there. And it was all because of the way you act and the way that Evan acts toward me when you're around. I didn't want him to start off his relationship with Kaleb as a stand-offish one. I also didn't want it to become the "Evan and Dani show" like it does every time we're all together. Like it did when we went to the movies, the basketball show, etc. The kid completely ignores Greg and I. I'm sorry if my giving birth and wanting to keep it all about Evan and Kaleb, Greg and I instead of all about you insulted you.

You talk about having to talk him down on the Fridays he is with us. Why not be positive about coming to our house all week long? Why not ask him about the fun things we do and keep reminding him of them?

Your perception about my having a third vote is completely and totally wrong. When Greg tells you that "Jenn and I vote", it is one vote between you and him still. However, whatever decisions happen with Evan affect our family. We have to think about that. Greg cannot make any decisions, financially, socially, or otherwise about Evan without consulting me and our coming to a decision based on how it effects our family. Greg's life does not revolve solely around Evan like yours does. Greg has two children, as well as a wife, and any decisions that effect our family do get discussed and we do come to a decision together. Take the discussion last year about Evan going to a private Catholic school. Greg and I discussed that VERY heatedly.For hours upon hours on end. Much of it was because we knew that if Evan went to a private school, we would have to ensure that we had the financial resources to send both our or children to private school. And so you know, I was actually for Evan going. So try not to place all the blame on the general consensous that Greg and I come to solely on the "evil stepwife". If you were to re-marry, I would hope that your husband would be involved for the sake of your marriage and your family life with Evan. If you were to have additional children, I would hope that you and your future husband come to a fair decision based on what is best for your family.

The decisions that you and Greg make DO effect Kaleb and how we raise him. There is so much that I want to do in regards to Kaleb, but I can't, because it wouldn't be fair to Evan. I've had to really make it clear to Greg that it IS okay for Kaleb to get to do things that Evan doesn't get to do with us. And I'm sure you take offense to that. But there are things that Evan does with you and your family that Kaleb may not get to do. Like vacation every single year in Florida. Or get all the latest and greatest toys. Or get to go see the latest movies that are out as soon as they hit the theatres. The final decision made by you and Greg to put Evan in a public instead of a private school effects Kaleb. He'll be going to a public school (probably in BG unless we move) despite the fact that I hate this school district.

I'm tired of feeling like a third wheel when you're around. When we go place. Or in my own home. I'm tired of feeling like I need to just walk away when you're there and hide. I'm tired of being snubbed constantly by you-- where you only say two or three words. I can't remember the last time you said anything more than oh, yes, or no to me. I've had it. Something needs to change.

I will be putting a copy of a book I read a few years ago in Evan's bag for you. I want to work with you as a team. Like it or not, I'm here to stay. I'm a part of Evan's and your life and I always will be-- I'll be at all of his school programs, special functions, graduations, his wedding, the birth of his children, etc etc. We're stuck with each other, so we might as well learn to get along.

I sent this email to her last week. I have not heard a reply. However, she was much more cordial towards me at E's last meeting.

Oh, and I think he may have her PO'd again. He pointed to the CO that says that this year, summer visitation will be flip-flopped and E will be with us for the majority, and she'll have him EOW and Wednesdays. She said she doesn't understand why he wants to hurt her like that. LOL.

Sorry this was so long.

-anniya.

Mike_Hunt · August 2009

why? why do you allow your DH to perpetuate this cycle? Don't read the emails. Don't let him tell you if she says anything about you. AND DON'T email her.

It's kinda sad to stew for weeks about an email. Let it go. It wasn't a big deal.

mckelvykr · August 2009

In both of the e-mails that you wrote it seems like you are attacking her. I'm a non confrontational person so I cringed reading all of that. Why would you tell her that her son wanted to call you mom? IDK...seems like you just need to let it go & stop feeding off of any drama that she creates. When I get frustrated with BM I always try to put myself in her shoes for a minute before getting angry. Good luck with yalls relationship...she doesn't seem that bad.

hterry85 · August 2009

Sorry, but it kind of seems like you're stirring up just as much drama as she is. Our BM doesn't like it when I "have a say" either. Too bad. I would neve sit and write her an email about it either. She's tried to call me a few times to stir things up, but unless I am expecting to hear from her (ie I am picking up ss or something) I don't answer. If she is trying to get ahold of me for some real reason she will leave a message or send a text. I think you should let it go.

FloF9 · August 2009

I know your issues with BM in the past anniya - and I'm sure she's a piece of work.

After reading over what BM wrote - it seems like somehow she feels slighted by your DH. It seems that the root of the problem is both her and your DH - they don't know how to communicate. Both of them seem to still have hard feelings, and still push each others buttons. I truly think that she might be a little jealous of you but I don't really sense any hate or vengence towards you. This is good. It almost sounds to me like she could use your help in dealing with DH...but is afraid to ask, or doesn't know how to go about it.

Being a step mother - you are sort of the third wheel in the beginning but at the same time, so is the divorced single parent. They divorced parent sort of is left behind. I feel sad for her - she sounds very lonely.

DREWLILY · August 2009

anniya77:

I sent this email to her last week. I have not heard a reply.

Uh she's probably still reading the email, it's incredibly long! Believe me, I feel ya here, there is a ton of stuff that I would love to say to BM, mostly because she is a biatch and needs to be told off and also mostly because she is traumatizing and hurting SD (because BM is crazy and selfish) and I want her to know.

But you do get a little accusatory towards BM in your emails, and I don't really know your situation, just what you've included in this post, so maybe I'm off base here. But you are telling her how to be a mother to her own kid just because it doesn't quite match up with how you mother him when he's with you. I mean, you're really giving her a book to read about it? IMO, you're stirring the pot and it isn't necessary. Thankfully, she has the sense to end this nonsense by not replying to you.

gosse1km · August 2009

Sorry to say, but I think you were completely in the wrong here. And this is coming from an SM with a crappy BM.

Your whole email, especially the second one, comes off very holier than thou, like you are the better parent, and like you are forcing yourself into her life. The line, "I will be putting a copy of a book I read a few years ago in Evans bag," would really annoy me. Maybe she knows perfectly how to work as a "team" with you and chooses not to. And I agree with the pp that putting in that line about Evan wanting to call you "mom" was shiity. By putting that you could have put your SS in a very bad position. What if your BM had confronted you SS about it, and made him feel horrible for even considering it? In my opinion you broke trust with your SS AND made it seem like you were trying to one up the BM.

All in all, your letter would have pissed me off waaaay more than it would have made me want to work with you. I think you need to quit emailing her and concentrate on your SS. At the end of the day, whether you like it or not, SHE is his mother.

cabbage5215 · August 2009

Okay- I stopped reading about half way down your second email. It was too painful. It seems like BM is trying to be the bigger person by not emailing you back and putting an end to this cycle. I have no idea whay you needed to email her in the first place. Stay out of it! Unless you just enjoy the drama I think you should just knock it off and focus on SS instead of BM. I am a BM but I see both sides of the coin since SO has a DD and a crazy ex.

sprky79 · August 2009

FFS stop e mailing the biomom. Why did you even do it in the first place? You wanted a fight and now you have one. Holy heck. The fighting can take place between your husband and his ex-wife.

And for the love of all things sacred could you not make a federal case out of missing one hour per week so that you can take a parenting class and actually focus on using what you're learning in the class to benefit your stepson?

You aren't coming across as the good one here. She isn't helping, but seriously. Stay out of it. Yes, even if she's talking "about you."

fellesferie · August 2009

It's understandable that you want to reach some kind of understanding with the woman, but I think it's just not going to happen.

No matter what you say or do, you're never going to get what you want from her.. she's never, ever going to read something from you and say "Ohhh, now I get it..."

It's super frustrating, probably for both of you, but I think that you'd be way better off essentially ignoring her and letting your husband deal with things. It's not her job to make you feel included in things.. and really, you aren't as far as she's concerned. That's your husband's job and she's your husband's problem. If I were you, I'd support him, help him, comfort him, but leave it to him.

xmaryrickx · August 2009

Yikes.

Hoenstly, that was ag iant tit for tat session if I have ever seen one. I do better, no I do better.....not really the best way to make "nice" with each other.

I am not sure where this all started, as far as the emails go, or why you even emailed her to start with. To me it does not make sense, I am assuming it was because she was talking about you? Who cares?

J&A2008 · August 2009

ha ha

You've found the silver lining for me of having a totally BSC, worthless parent of a BM: I could care less how she talks to me or what she thinks of me.

I can see in your situation how her disrespect would grate on you. I think you need to find a solution that doesn't include long emails. It's just a waste of time.

I think your DH needs to speak up more when she's undermining the rules in your house. I think you can say something to her when she's being rude to you - I know you don't want to cause a fight or more tension in front of Evan, but maybe you can find a way to say something that is light but gets the point across "hey, that's uncalled for..."

Latest BM drama (REALLY, REALLY LONG)

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