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Those who did IVF (or who have thought about it)
I know a few of you did IVF or are considering it.
Our big sticking point is the possibility of extra embryos. I know the options are:
-freeze indefinitely
-donate to another couple (probably has to be anonymously--we've asked about directing embryos to people we know if we could find someone who wants our embryos and that seems to not be allowed)
-allow the embryos to thaw and be disposed of
-donate to medical research
-allow the embryos to thaw and then put them in me at a time when I am not going to get pregnant (the local clinic does not allow this but potential clinic does)
-keep transferring and hope we don't end up with more than three or four kids
DH and I don't like the disposal/medical research options. I kind of like the let them thaw and put them back in me option because God has the option to allow life to happen if he so chooses. DH says that is the same as pouring them down the sink since they obviously would not implant and lead to a pregnancy.
I have thought about the donating aspect. If we know and have contact with the recipient family, it seems like that might be very hard on all of the involved biological children. They might wonder why some live with one family and some with the other family and why we didn't keep all of our embryos/children. But I would just really want to know that our biological children were okay and whether or not they exist. We also want to make darn sure that our bio children never married each other.
Our current idea is to keep any extra embryos frozen for at least seven years. That will give us plenty of time to be sure that we don't want any more children. It will also mean that there is at least an 8 year age difference in biological siblings so the chances of bio siblings meeting accidentally and marrying/having kids together will be small since most people ultimately reproduce with partners closer in age than that. (I know some people have big age differences, but nearly everyone I know is within 5 years of age of his or her spouse.)
After the seven years have passed, we would donate any extra embryos.
I am aware that there is a good possiblility that we will not have any extra embryos. I just think we need to have this figured out before it happens. I do not want to be another Octomom who transfers a bunch of leftover embryos because I can't bear to part with them.
Thoughts? What would you do? I feel so horrible about this decision. I never thought we would be facing these kinds of decisions.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Those who did IVF (or who have thought about it)
Man, those are hard decisions. And big big hugs for your last BFN, that just royally sucks.
So it looks like you have 6 options right? You said you don't like the disposal or medical research idea. Now you only have 4, so that's a little better.
What does freezing indefinitely entail? Would you have to pay to keep them that way? I think that would kind of be expensive. Also, they'd be sitting there doing nothing.
The keep transferring thing sounds like that would be hard. Like you said you don't want more than 3-4 children. What are the odds that you would end up with more if you keep transferring? I think maybe talk to your clinic/doctor more on that topic and see their opinions.
You seem to be leaning towards donating. I'm assuming because you want to help another couple going through your same situation. As you said though, it's very hard knowing your biological children are safe. I read a magazine article (I think it was Parent's magazine, not sure, I was in a doctor's waiting room) that talked about a couple who did a lot of research. They had an ad through a message board about donating their eggs. They actually did background checks and took lots of info, including the other couple's story, to determine who they thought should get the embryos. One of their requirements was the couple had to live in another state, just to be sure their biological children didn't marry each other. Once they donated the embryos, their only requirement was that if there were any left, that couple had to continue donating in the same fashion. They helped 3 or 4 other couples through this. I know they had a very good lawyer to make it happen though.
Sorry that was long....I know you asked what I would do, and I think I'd donate. To me an embryo is a life, and I don't think I could just dispose of it either. I feel the same way you do about putting them back in you when you can't get pregnant, because God will make what he wants to happen happen. However, it sound like your DH would take a lot of convincing on that.
Good luck to you, and I hope you and your DH can come to a decision that will work for both of you.
Sorry that got ridiculously long.
Thanks for your great response. I didn't think it was ridiculously long. This is a complicated topic and is the main thing that has stopped us from doing IVF.
My understanding is that it is highly unlikely that we would be left with lots and lots of extra embryos. So many are lost during the fertilization, freeze, and thaw process. Realistically, we would be very lucky to get more than one or two children out of one IVF cycle. Many, many people have no embryos left to freeze.
We have been doing gonal-f IUIs and risking having up to five babies since I have had up to five follicles. We would not selectively reduce if that were to happen--our current doctor is aware of that and, since he is an ob gyn, he is the one who would have to manage any pregnancies that result from these IUIs.
From what I understand, it is not that easy to direct who receives donated embryos. It seems that, while there is talk about knowing who embryos go to, in reality (at least in this area) donations end up being anonymous.
Which leaves us at donating after at least seven years in the freezer and hoping for the best.
The alternative is to continue doing IUIs with injectable meds--perhaps for years--and possibly still not have a child. I just don't want to not have a child because we might have extra embryos that we might have difficulty figuring out what to do with.
That was a big issue for me too. And it is the reason we are done having biological kids now, whether we really want to be done or not. Because of our personal beliefs we were committed to all embryos ultimately being given a chance at life by someone. I knew that only 30% of couples will even end up with anything frozen, so the odds are actually very much against it, but we still had to deal with the possibility of having too many.
Here is how my cycles ended up going. I had 14 eggs retrieved and only 7 fertilized normally with ICSI. One arrested (quit growing) right away, we transferred 2 (Rhett and his twin who we lost early on), and one didn't look good enough to freeze. We froze 3. For the FET we initially thawed just one and it lysed (not enough of it survived). We then thawed the last two and got the twins. So out of 14 eggs, 7 fertilized, we have 3 babies. It is one more kid than we initially planned to have, but it is what was meant to be. I can't imagine not having any of the boys and if we had the ability to get pregnant on our own I really would consider having another.
Had things not worked out so perfectly and we did still have more embryos I would have done medicated single embryo transfers until we had one more kid. Beyond that I probably would have done completely natural cycles until we had one more, still transferring them on day 5 but with no estrogen or progesterone. Beyond 5 kids I think we would have ended up donating. That option would have been really hard for me emotionally. Embryo donation is such an amazing gift. I'm just not sure I would have been able to handle it. Basically, we would have had several more kids than we initially intended to avoid donating and we would have donated to avoid disposing of them.
Good luck with your decision on whether to do IVF. I know how hard it is to weigh all of the options, success rates vs. cost, moral/ethical considerations, etc. It is one of the hardest decisions we have had to make as a couple.
Our Blog
Google embryo adoption. Even if your clinic doesn't offer open donation where you'd know the recipient family, other organizations do and even treat it as an adoption where the recipient family has a homestudy and is approved just as they would be if they were adopting a child already born. Once you are certain your family is complete, you can contact an organization that handles embryo adoptions, and if you decide to move forward with that option, you can have the embryos transferred from your clinic to that organization's storage facility.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
We are getting ready to jump into IVF next week so this has end a hot topic at our house. Honestly, we have had a harder time with the 'what do you want done if one of you dies, divorced, etc.' questions. But I think we agreed very early on what options are best for us. If we have any left over we are going to either donate them to another couple (annonimously) or to research. If we have enough we would like to do both. I carry a very rare disease and DH and I feel like it is our responsibility to do anything that we can to help any type of medical research. I have been so blessed as a result of the research that has already been done and for us to have the opportunity to potentially help others is huge. As far as donating to another couple we would want to do it annomimously. I don't really think of it as an adoption type of issue but more of an opportunity to give another couple an opportunity to have what we have been trying for for so long. I have several friends that have used donor sperm and a one that has used donor eggs. The donor eggs she knew the person donating but the sperm did not. Either way it has worked out well for all of the couples. But that is just what is best for us. It is so different for every couple.
It is funny for DH and I to even think about these things right now. Right now it is so hard to imagine even being so blessed to have to make any of these decisions. It is hard for us to wrap our minds around it fully at this point when some days we feel like we might never be parents.
DH refused to consider IVF (due to the cost) so I haven't done too much research on it, but would it be possible to freeze some of your eggs if they get a bunch instead of fertilizing them all? So if you retrieve 30 eggs, only try to fertilize 10 of them (or 5 or whatever) and then freeze the rest. That way, if your first IVF is unsuccessful or you want a second child, you could thaw the eggs and do another cycle but you wouldn't be left with frozen embryos. I'm not sure if that is possible or if a clinic would consider it, but it might be another option.
And I'm with you on the selective reduction... I was terrified that we would end up with sextuplets, but I was more terrified of not having a child at all.
This was certainly the topic in our house this week as well. We are signing consents and trying to figure things out. More than likely we will donate them, if we have any left over. We talked last night about trying to have 2 but if we end up with three that would be fine.
Good luck with whatever you do decide to do!
Married and it feels so good!
Thank you all so much for your thoughts on this topic.
About freezing the eggs unfertilized... that is something that is not routinely done as it is experimental. CCRM (in Colorado) mentions on their website that they can do it. I'm not sure very many other clinics even offer this service.
A huge part of the cost is the egg fertilization procedure. We are not of unlimited means and do have to consider the costs in all of this. It will cost a lot more to fertilize eggs bit by bit rather than all at once since the charge for fertlizing seems to be a cost per batch.