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Babies: 9 - 12 Months
Kilts_Kimonos
member
I'm not enjoying being a mom
Kilts_Kimonos
member
There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish that DD wasn't here, but there are also moments in the day where I look in her eyes and melt with love. WTF is wrong with me, I wanted kids so bad and now hate being a mom????. Her crying grates me and makes me irate. I'm constantly asking myself "why can't she just..." but I know she is only 10.5months old and hasn't figured things out yet. I'm sooooooo exhausted, like bone tired, that half my day I lie on the floor with her and she just crawls back and forth over me.
I'm SAHM, my husband (cannot be home: hospital resident) works 100hrs per week. I have no family in the area and our friends SUCK. I can't justify spending $$$ on a babysitter/nanny, and don't trust anyone else with my child. I'm loosing it big time.
I went to a therapist months ago who diagnosed me as depressed but not ppd. Most of my day is good but I'm so stuck on the negative, how nothing is ever easy(showers, peeing, eating, shopping,etc) and what a "pain in the butt" having to lug DD around is. I hate myself. And to frost my fuckingcake I'm turning 30 next week and get to spend the whole day alone with no one but DD.
Thanks for reading, I needed to vent. please tell me I'm not the only one who doesn't like being a mom.
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Re: I'm not enjoying being a mom
Okay, you need some help. By that I mean that you need a break. You can't do everything and enjoy it. Having a baby takes everything out of you and that is extremely hard. And being exhausted makes it much, much harder.
Don't get down on yourself for feeling this way. It sounds to me like your own sanity is 100% justification for finding a babysitter you trust for a few hours a few times a week so you can have some you time. It doesn't matter if you nap, shower, go shopping, what you do but you need some you time.
And, I think, you need to continue with therapy. You have a lot of emotions on your plate, including feeling guilty for how you feel, and you need help with that. You can't do it all yourself and good for you for recognizing this isn't a good situation. Time to talk to your DH about YOUR needs and get them met.
(((hugs)))
There are a lot of people that feel like this...you're not alone. I have my days, too. I think as she gets older, you'll have stages you like and stages you don't. Some people just don't enjoy the baby stage.
Would you feel better if you went back to work? Being a SAHM isn't for everyone.
I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. There are definitely times where I don't love being a mom like I think I should - I honestly think it's just part of being a mom. However, yours does sound a little severe, and if you don't have ppd, you definitely do sound depressed. Have you been to the doctor recently? If not, you should definitely go again - SOON.
I know you said you can't justify spending money on a sitter, but I guarantee it will be well worth it for your sanity to do it once a week. Have a sitter come for a few hours, and you leave the house. Go to a coffee shop, a bookstore, get a pedicure - anything to get you away. It will really help you clear your head. And the best day to do it? Start next week with your birthday! Your DH must work with a lot of people, I bet he can find someone who can give him a good sitter rec!
Hang in there, good luck, and HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY! What day is your birthday? I'll be celebrating mine on the 4th!
Being a mom is really difficult and not many people talk about it IRL. Have you thought about getting out, maybe getting a part time job? I SAH for 6 months and since I have been back at work I have been much more happy and content all around.
I can't imagine not having dh home every evening or a few friends that I get together with a few times a month with our kids. Can you join a moms group? Staying at home and not having family around is very isolating.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
Awwww I'm so sorry. Don't get too down on yourself, I'm sure all Moms feel this way at times. I know I do. What about a Moms club you could join? I'm really shy and don't generally enjoy other peoples company but I joined a Moms club to do playdates every now and then and I've found that it's really helpful. It also helps break up our routine, which is nice.?
Also I think you should hire a babysitter even just once a month and go see a movie, or sit in a park and people watch. Just to get a break from you lo.?
My SIL could have written this post. She went through so much and eventually adopted my nephew when he was 10mo. About 6-8 months later, she was finally diagnosed with PMDD and has been taking an antidepressant since then. She told me 4 days into taking it that she felt worlds better and was able to enjoy her time with him. Might be something to talk to a doctor about.
GL, and happy early birthday! 30 is just a number!
Natalie Kate - October 4, 2011
Blighted ovum, d&c at 9w, July 2012
Blighted ovum, d&c at 10w, September 2013
BFP May 28, EDD February 4, 2015
I'm sorry you are going thru this. I hope that you seek professional help again. You shouldn't have to feel this way. You have a lot going for you but you're not seeing it.
Hi there,
I feel your pain. My husband is also a resident and is never home.
While I do at times have the thoughts of kind of wishing I didn't have kids, they are always passing. It sounds like yours are much more persistent and are really signaling that something else is going on.
I really recommend that you go see a psychiatrist. Hopefully your insurance will have decent mental health coverage (most hospital/residency insurance plans are pretty good). I would look into seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist (or just a psychiatrist that also does therapy). Depression really affects thoughts and perceptions and could definitely explain why you're having the negative feelings/outlook that you do.
I know that it's hard to justify spending the money to get a baby-sitter. Believe me, I know how tight a resident's salary is. However, you're just going to have to do it. I'm sure that if your DD was ill you wouldn't hesitate to spend whatever money it took to fix it. You've got to view yourself the same way. It is really important that you get some time to rest/take care of yourself.
Please don't feel like you're a bad mom, a bad person, a selfish person, or any of the things that you're probably thinking. Depression is a b!tch and it can really mess with your mind and your self perception. Take the approach of asking yourself what you would recommend to a friend or family member and then do that for yourself.
I hope that things get better soon.
It sure sounds like PPD. I'm currently in therapy and on meds for it, as well. No shame in it, I'm just happy that I was able to recognize that I wasn't myself (and looking back, I should have taken the dr advice at 5 wks pp to start the meds).
If you didn't have a baby, it would be classified as depression. But since you gave birth less than a year ago, my therapist would still diagnose it as PPD. The frustration that goes along with motherhood can be normal, but yours seems a bit extreme.
Are you opposed to going on meds? I went through a very tough time for 2.5 weeks, where I had my mother stay with us as well. It took that long for the meds to kick in, but I feel incredibly better now. I'm really happy I did it - I'm finally enjoying being a mommy!
I would say you have PPD. You should really go back to the therapist & possibly see a psychiatrist. Start with your GP & get a physical. Make sure it's nothing physical & go from there.
If it's not PPD than you are obviously suffering from depression.
You also do need a break. I had to go back to work because we need the money. I would of anywway because staying home was not for me. I'm a much happier mom now that I work.
Best of luck to you.
My church offers something called Parent's Day Out. You can sign up for 1 to 3 days a week and it is 6 hours a day. A lot of the parents have talked about how much they enjoy having that time to run errands or to have time to themselves.
A lot of church offer something like this so if you are interested you can maybe check one out.
This is an excellent idea. I also agree w/pp that you should continue your therapy. GL and take care.
Whether it's PPD or depression, you need help. Go to your doctor and let them know what's going on. S/he should be able to point you in the right direction for help and maybe prescribe an antidepressant.
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